Dear Steemit friends,

if you believe in the saying then i would advise 🔥"BURN THE BRIDGES!"🔥 before it's too late, if not i have some interesting insight from research. Do you see these two happy people below, how they laugh with pure joy and communicating via their eyes? That's our ideal we wanna live in and i think there are people who live a happy childhood like below. But reality tells there are many more who don't and i wanna show why we often almost constitute bodily harm just with our language, our words in many everyday situations without noticing it. I will show how that happens and if is there a solution to overcome that learned habit and make life a lot better!

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1. OUR BRAIN

Do you know how a Google search works?

You type in some word or words and hit Enter. In milliseconds Google is looking for suitable results based on your profile and search criteria in a huge library of information, the internet.

How Search Works - by Google

The access of information in your your brain works in a similar way.

Your memories of events in life til to your childhood are saved. All the situations where you experienced the effect of your actions also in conversations with other people, especially your family and friends are saved or indexed.

Your brain has saved huge amounts of such data during your life.

Pictures, smells, tastes, voices, feelings, emotions especially intense events if good or bad are available if you want it or not.

Today if you are in a certain situation in a certain condition you may experience a conscious flashback with your memories if there is some relation to the current situation. Even a event which is years ago can cause such moment! But even if you get not a clear picture of the past your brain is..

..always searching in it's huge library..

..if it get some input by another person through words, gestures or facial expression and other information sources our sensors (eyes, ears, nose, skin, mouth) can receive.

How does your memory work? | Head Squeeze - by BBC Earth Lab

The inner output is a emotion based on our past experiences and the evaluation of the current situation. The result is an emotion, which can be

good 😁

bad 😟

neutral 😐

This technique helps the brain to accelerate massively our decisions and can on the other hand also lead to misconceptions or false behaviour because we decide based on past events mixed with the current situation and the resulting emotion. But the most important thing we must understand first is

All decisions are based on emotions!

Yes! nothing is rational. If you thought a long time about a thing and you had judged the pros and cons then you had just put more emotions in your decision!

Well known companies like Apple, McDonalds, Coca Cola, Harley Davidson are fully aware of the connection between emotion and our purchase decision and can often charge higher prices because they stimulate our emotions in a very positive way!

The long-standing claim that reasons and feeling are separated is simply WRONG as researchers in neurocommunication discovered! Because of that claim it was common sense in the past that if someone did a mistake that we have to tell them what was done wrong and how bad this was. And that was the reason for much frustration, demotivation and anger for both sides.

The second thing we should understand is..

That's our nature!

Researchers in neurocommunication had discovered many interesting aspects which turns some established knowledge upside down! For example if you excessively instruct, patronize and reprimand someone with ..

..negative wording, it releases stress hormons in great amounts and that is damaging the organism!

You can compare the damage done with smoking cigarettes!

For example you know the saying

A problem shared is a problem halved.

WRONG!

it should say

A problem shared is a problem DOUBLED!

Now you may ask, why is that?

When you're are talking about your problems to a trusted person and this person listen very carefully what you're saying then it's 😪 the worst outcome for that person you can ever imagine! 😭 In the future you should be aware what you're are doing with your words.. believe me you get a sense after reading the next sections at least it was a eye-opener for me.

What?! If i tell my friend my problems he can console me and finally we can laugh about that together..

Sadly, that's not true in the most cases because the following happens.. You tell your problems and instantly the brain of your friend begins to relate to his bad experiences in life NOT TO YOURS.

You're crazy?!

..maybe

😜 😵

Even if this not enough.. the next thing we must understand is

Also the deepest sympathy with others is created by our own experiences not experiences by others.

Just if you can relate to the situation of someone with your own experience you can feel his anger, pain, rage, hate, grief, despair and also happyness, friendship, love, joy. But..

..you must have experienced it by yourself in any degree..

..else you cannot feel what your friend says.. and that would be good in that situation! 😁

..because..

..the brain connects to the experiences and your friend remembers of similar situations he was in and see the pictures. Maybe you hit some very bad experience which immediately sets her/him in a very bad emotional state because the memory came back for the first time and was a trauma for her/him. In some situations that can lead to a dispute because the triggered negative emotions are simply too big. Now you should ask yourself:

Should i do such things to her/him?

Even if you are in a very bad emotional state because something horrible happened you should think first how you could handle the situation by yourself in favor of your friend or spouse. Even if you feel..

..I need someone to talk about my problems.. think at least if it's really necessary?

And now you can imagine what she/he feels if you trigger the bad emotions in her/him. She/he feels now also bad and maybe you can cry together.. and have

a double bad feeling, NOT HALVED!

Because you awakened bad memories in the other person which have nothing to do with your current state! You spread it like a virus if you sneezed on someone.

That's how our brain works! And we cannot change our nature tomorrow. We should accept it as reality. But what i wanna say is not that you accept it as fatal fate.. NO! see it as chance, because now you know how your brain process information from outside and also that others you may influence do the same and are controlled by their emotions!

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2. WORDS MATTER

The importance of self-talk!

How we talk to ourselves influences massively our outcome in life!

That are big words, but it's true. Think of the following: If you're on a travel in a foreign country, in a foreign city. You drive through the suburbs and your goal is to visit a good friend. After a hour of driving you realize that you drive in the wrong direction and even not knowing where you are now. Now you have several options to talk to yourself:

1. you blame others, the city and the whole world for your fault, what idiots are responsible for the traffic routing and brought you that mess!

2. you stop your car on the side stripes and look for passers-by which you can ask for the right way

1. you continue your travel without any concerns just saying to yourself "I don't give a f ' ' ' ! All ways lead to rome."
   
2. you give up, stop your car, get out and lay you on the ground just die.. ok stop, that makes no sense 😁 and is very improbable
   

Removing Negative Self Talk | Abria Joseph | TEDxYouth@NIST - by TEDx Talks

The first option is lead by pure negativity. If you talk in such a manner with yourself it's like you pull yourself down like a sea anchor because you steal any hope from yourself. You decline the responsibility for your actions. You're are blocked in your thinking, because the anger shuts downs major parts of your brain to find a solution. It's a real downer and influences massively our subconscious mind which is responsible that our heart beats all the time. You influence directly your inner power with your thoughts and words.

The second option is a pure solution oriented approach. You know you're responsible for all your actions. The thoughts before acting (stop the car) are inner talk to yourself. People who do have a positive inner mindset. Even if they are in almost hopeless situations they look for the solution and even if they eventually die they try everything before that happens and that improves their chances to survive massively.

Successful People Are Solution Oriented by Brian Tracy

The third option is also positive but may lead to some delays because the person is simply not interested to think about a better solution than just driving in the wrong direction. However it's better than blaming yourself and just move on to change something.

The fourth option should only happen if you're in a very depressive condition i don't think so.

Getting stuck in the negatives (and how to get unstuck) | Alison Ledgerwood | TEDxUCDavis - by TEDx Talks

If you constantly looking for a solution while thinking and talking to yourself or others you eventually find the solution. The other one is just a hopeless case damned to failing. This is simple truth.

Ok, but what has my inner talk todo with talking to others?

Simply if you have a bad mindset you transfer that also with your language and what researchers discovered about bad talking is interesting. Even well educated people from good social backgrounds or families are full of negativity in our society which is often based on learned behaviour over many years beginning in the childhood. It's a mass phenomenon and cultivated as normal behaviour. The causes are manyfold but here a few examples:

• media like TV with mostly negative news about catastrophies, accidents, deaths, hurricanes and so on
• bad spirit at working places because of the mindset of management
• uncount prohibitions with the word "no" in your childhood by your parents
• parents or people constantly talking about their problems if you're around

The result is often a learned negative sentiment and vocabulary which blocks also a positive language.

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3. HOW TO GET POSITIVE?

If we try to express something positively after that treadmill of negativity we must first step out of our comfort zone (see one of my prior posts) we say things like that:

..we wanna praise someone and say

before 😟	after 😁
Not bad!	That's good!

Before we choose a double negation form "not" + "bad" Is that not funny? To express something positive we negate things twice to get in the end something positive? 😄 It's like you take a glass and turn it upside down and do that again to be able to fill in some water..

Think about.. did you use similar words?

If yes i can tell you it's normal. I'm just a regular guy and sometimes i cought me doing that. If not just be happy! As i realized that for the first time i thought, omg you did that also for many years without noticing it.

Ask yourself which words you use regularly and if it's positive 😁 or negative 😟?

It's ridiculous because we make it so complicated and also spread that negativity with such wording among other people! If you think you are in sales or you have a team or you live with your family and always talking in a such negative manner.. What do you think will happen?.. That's easy either you remain alone or you transfer your negativity to others and they spread it further. That's exactly the case in our society. It happens every day and everywhere.

Want more examples for negative language or double negation? Here they are:

..someone asking you for help and we say..

before 😟	after 😁
No problem!	We'll do that!

Before we use two negative words "no" and "problem" and after we say it straightforward in a positive manner!

How many times you heard "No!" as kid?

Many of us very often i'm sure. And each new "No" is just frustrating because we heard it so many times. Our subconscious mind takes it whether we want or not. If you're in sales and you use that vocabulary then you should immediately..

..learn a NEW! much more POSITIVE language..

another example.. you wanna express that you can do everything

before 😟	after 😁
Nothing is impossible!	Everything is possible!

Before a double negation, after with pure enthusiam and positive energy! Yeah!

I'm sure you got it.

If you compare in each case the two options, which one is more positive? Which one FEELS more positive? Because in the end it's all about EMOTION. I think that's a easy decision.

You have a strong influence on emotion of other people..

..just with your words..

Therefore you should avoid the following words whenever possible and replace them with positive ones:

before 😟	after 😁
"problem"	"challenge"
"your fault"	"let's do it this way"
"no"	"possibly"
"nothing"	"something"
"hate"	"would love"
"too expensive"	"should cost"
"not bad"	"good"

..and there are many more you should avoid whenever possible. You cannot avoid them every time but..

.. we use negative words too often inflationary..

💣 It's like you bomb your receiver into the ground! 💥

Researchers of neurocommunication revealed another interesting fact

The 90:10 principle of the perception of negative wording

That simply means if 90% of a talk is positive and just 10% negative then our receiver reacts with 90% of his attention to this 10% of negative words! If you're in sales you'll be fast out of business because you'll destroy any customer relationship.

How is that? Interesting and maybe shocking truth!

And many of us talk not just 10% in a bad manner, often it's much more coupled with blaming others, talking about bad news from media, complaining, moaning, griping, and so on.

The researchers also discovered that ..

..divorces are much more often in relationships which are signed by negative talks or mindset.

It simply destroys slowly any relationship because if you're use negative words or thoughts then you set yourself into a negativity and you pull others down like a sea anchor.. if they are not fast enough to run away from you!

You can also think of a balance, on one side are all positive statements and on the other the negative ones. The big issue here is just if you talk positive to someone you put many small weights on one side, but if you do just one negative statement which affronts your receiver or link their brain to a bad memory than a huge weight is falling on the other side and can pull the whole balance down. It's possible that a talk is interrupted immediately due one bad statement.

Therefore..

Always choose your words wisely and positive!

whether your're in sales our talking to your friend, spouse, collegue. Every word counts and you decide in what relationship you'll live in!

👍 I hope you enjoyed the read. I wish you the best! 👍

inspired by literature:

• "Emotion Selling", Bittner, Schwarz
• "The Psychology of Selling", Brian Tracy
• "Thinking Big", Brian Tracy

👍 If you like the read please follow me and vote me up! 👍 Thank you! 👍

see also my other posts

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