How emotions have influenced my obesity

maritagrabowski (52)in #english • 6 years ago

"Why I am the only one not seen? I am always ignored and no one ever takes me seriously anyway. Why is it always me?"

I squat on the unmade bed, with the black and white striped bed linen, the sun shines through the large window and lights up the room while I cry my soul out of my body. One sobbing follows the next, tears running down my cheeks in creeks, leaving small damp stains on my bed linen. I don't care about that. I curse between the tears and keep asking myself "Why always me".

With tears in my eyes I go to the cupboard, grab the small chocolate bar and then take the bag of chips, too. I bought them a few days ago for the party on the weekend. I sit down again on my striped bed linen, calm myself for a moment and start eating.

I notice for a short moment how chewing makes me calmer and breathe deeply. Think briefly about the past situation and start sobbing again. And then the chocolate follows, because it tastes so good and I don't know how, but it helps me and gives me the feeling of not being completely lost.

15 minutes later, it's all gone. I eaten the bag of chips, the chocolate is in my belly and some gummy bears I have been eaten, too.

Although all is eaten, the sadness and anger is still in me and by belly is full tu burst.

Picture: Marita Grabowski www.maritagrabowski.de

The story isn't a reality situation and yet I have experienced it thousands of times in my life. Countless times I sat on the bed or on the bathroom floor and cried my soul out of my body. Countless times I saw how people didn't treat me the way I deserved. Countless times I was gripped by deep sadness, because life did not give me what I was entitled to, I thougt.

Often I felt left alone, because no one understood me. But the chocolate bar, the chips and also the leftovers of dinner made me feel like someone else again. Food and the associated feeling in my full stomach gave me comfort, love and affection.

And the food didn't care if I was really miserable or if I just needed a hug that nobody gave me. Food gave me the feeling that I was a little bit valuable and let me see the light in the tunnel for a short moment.

At least for one tiny moment.

These short moments where chewing calmed me down and the food comforted me, were quickly over. They left me back with my pain. And now I feeled guilty, ashamed and I'm annoyed about that I didn't have enough discipline to stop myself eating.

Picture: Marita Grabowski www.maritagrabowski.de

This was my life.

That's what my life looked like for years and I couldn't do anything about it. The urge to eat when I felt bad was so strong that I had no chance to work against it.

Every diet failed. Every time I wanted to change my diet, my emotional hunger was the point where I gave up at the latest. Because, even in less dramatic situations, I was hungry. As soon as I felt somehow unjustly treated or overtaxed, understretched, left alone or what ever felt like, food was there for me.

At the age of 28 I was in the three-digit weight range and only when I saw the Christmas pictures at the beginning of 2012 did I realize how much I let myself go.

At that time it was clear: I'll lose weight! But I'm not going on a special diet.

In the next few weeks and months I devoured books and courses like never before and I found out that my biggest problem is not the food for the main meals, it is the unconscious food which should comfort me and give me love.

These were the first calories I could definitely save without having to starve or forego anything. So I started to work on my ravenous hunger and emotional hunger. I questioned, affirmed, tried hundreds of different things. And that wasn't always easy, because many things didn't work directly. Often lacked pieces of the puzzle to make the methods effective. So I developed several strategies that helped me to become more and more aware of my emotional hunger and to change my eating habits in the next step.

Picture: Marita Grabowski www.maritagrabowski.de