Social Anxiety, Old Baggage Resurfacing
I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately. I haven't been feeling myself.
I am going on vacation in four days! Unfortunately and very unexpectedly waves of anxious fluttering sweeps from my belly to my brain at unexpected moments.
My shoulders are so tight I feel like they might snap. I've had terribly upset stomach and cant seem to digest food properly.
I am a complete mess.
Breathe, breathe, breathe! I remind myself.
I am heading out on a trip across the country, a wedding of my darling niece whom I adore. This sort of thing should be exciting (and it is) but I am being tortured with anxiety, tension, stomach problems. I used to be a traveller and explorer. What's happened to me? The thought of airports, security, cramped planes, traffic, schedules, restaurants and crowds has me sweating and nauseated.
https://pixabay.com/en/lego-figurines-toys-crowd-many-1044891/
I've learned what it's like to live without tension and anxiety.
Living out here on the homestead has changed me or maybe I should say released me from so much tensions that I used to carry. I spent decades with tight knots in my shoulders that no amount of breathing and stretching or massage could ease. I feel all of that tension creeping back as I make preparations for this trip.
This life I have chosen is different. The tension is gone. I can breathe. I can breathe!
I can stretch my arms to the sky and absorb beautiful clean air. The wind kisses my skin and even on the coldest of days, it is beautiful here. Every view is one of beauty and perfection. There is not mad rush, car pool and deadline schedule to adhere to. I don't need to polish myself up and launch myself out into busy traffic.
Out here I feel beautiful without even thinking about it. Hair wild and uncombed, ragged cut off shorts and a t-shirt that's older than my son. My legs might be shaved ...or not and there is inevitably dirt under my nails. Around the bright lights of a city I feel tatty and worn. I feel insecure. I am a misfit who is anxiously digging out my old war paint and nice clothing so I can masquerade as someone who belongs.
Out here I can move slowly and soak in the magic happening around me. There is no one pressuring me to meet countless unreasonable, unnecessary deadlines. Instead I take the time to drink in the sight of the beads of dew on the leaves, the changing colours of the landscape and the intoxicating scent of nature. Instead of traffic lights, horns, sirens and phones I listen to musical harmonies of the owl hooting in the distance, the grasshoppers chirping, the frogs croaking & the bees buzzing. There isn't much wanting in my life and I am hesitant to leave the spiritual and emotional comforts of home.
Tuning in
I only realized what was ailing me today. I've speculated if it was something I ate, if our water was contaminated and all kinds of external factors. Today the reasons for my tension became so clear. I'm going back into the belly of the beast. The machine I've so happily escaped. I've never really reconciled these feelings or dug deep into them. When you repress things they have a way of making themselves knows at such inconvenient times!
Self Healing - figuring it out.
I've been doing breathing exercises and slowly the knots that have formed in my guts and shoulders are uncoiling. The fluttering still washes over me but I'm starting to gain a small measure of control over the situation.
I think of all the things I have to enjoy on this trip. A beautiful wedding and quality time with my son whom I've missed so much. It will be beautiful. I've got a diffuser going with calming lavender, heck I've even dabbed it on my pulse points and temples. I've been sipping calming tea freshly made from wild flowers I've collected. I've been taking fire cider with honey. I've spent time working in the garden and listening to lovely music. I keep breathing deeply especially when I notice I've been holding my breath. This thing has a tight grip on me though. I can't quite shake it.
I've unearthed something forgotten about myself. This has reminded me that there are still things I have not fixed, things that I am carrying along with me that need not be on this journey.
I won't fix this overnight, I know that. I need to be able to get in the truck, drive 140km to the airport and get on that plane without being ailed with stomach cramps and dizziness. From there I'll do my best to work on the rest.
I welcome advice and thoughts.
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Im gping to DM you. This is EXACTLY how I feel at the moment... anxiety wise, that is. And the comfort of home is profound, a safety nest in nature. I feel for you. It will be so nice to see your boy though. Xx
Thank you! ♥
I can so relate to this feeling. As much as I wanted to do the road trip in July, only a single day, it was a tense and unrelaxed time. And I slept for a whole day afterwards! I have been living, just as you described, right down to the uncombed hair and raggedy clothes (are we mirror images???), for the best part of 20 years.
I could not take the stress of living outside, it was literally making me more and more ill. Since retreating to the homestead I've slowly regained health. I sometimes think I want to go out, see people and do things, but mostly, it quickly passes.
If I do decide to go, it takes a lot of planning ahead, because I know I will pay for the stress afterwards. Sometimes, like a favorite niece's wedding, the trade off is worth it. :))
💚
So sorry that you can relate to this - it's not a nice feeling. I am appreciating that by having these feelings resurface I can look at them more and work on the root cause. :)
Oh my how this describes me:
I'm actually really looking forward to my own upcoming trip across country--the part of it where I can run around and explore on my own time. But I'm stressing about the day of the ceremony. What will I wear, are my current clothes acceptable or do I go shopping? should I buy at least some mascara?! and what the heck am I going to do with my hair?!?! It feels crazy when I write it down but I don't give a hoot what I look like around here. My family thinks I'm beautiful and that's good enough and it should be all that matters. But I too feel some creeping insecurity I haven't felt in years! So all I have is commiseration and hugs...and the mentality that if people are judgy, well that's their problem.
It does seem silly to have these small insecurities take so much space all of a sudden ...but I think that's the deal. When we haven't addressed things they'll keep finding ways to bubble to the surface. Hugs to you my beautiful friend.