My Experience With Ecstasy
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My long-term followers will likely know by now that I am somewhat of a poster-boy for wasted potential. By age 14, everyone knew I was a genius-- none more so than I. Yet by age 17, thanks to the frequent abuse of A-class drugs, my once-exceptional brain was left semi-functional at best.
I can actually remember the very day my ingenuity left me. It came after a fortnight of taking ecstasy pills every night, with me taking 13 and a half Mitsubishi Turbos(very potent pills) on the final night.
The next afternoon, I literally woke up dumb. It was quite possibly the worst moment of my life. The second I opened my eyes, I knew that I wasn't Scott anymore. At least, not the Scott I once was. I can even recall that my vision was dulled, and the colours less vibrant than they had been before. Writing this now, it doesn't seem like a scientific possibility, so I wonder if this memory has been morphed due to my long held belief that this was the day I became less. A reduction of brightness to one's vision certainly sounds more like a symbolic representation of a loss of intelligence than a biological one, but this is the way I recall it, and the point is, I knew something had changed for the worst upstairs.
Do you know that feeling, when you have something on the tip of your tongue, or even just out of reach in your mind?
Before that afternoon, I had seldom experienced that feeling before. But I can recall the frustration I felt throughout that day as I experienced it over and over.
Nearly 15 years later, I still suffer this hiccup in cognitive function on a daily basis, and it's probably why I have not gone a single day without thinking about ecstasy in well over a decade. Every time my memory betrays me, or when I lose sight of my thoughts only to struggle for a while to recapture them before giving up, I think about ecstasy and what it has cost me.
Lately things have been different, however. I do not know if it is because I have finally forgiven myself for squandering such a great gift, or perhaps simply because I recognise I have other ones that I can still use to make a difference, but when I reflect on my relationship with ecstasy recently, I am able to look past the price I paid and focus on the product I paid for.
When I do this, it is hard for me to be angry at ecstasy, or even at myself for abusing it, because what this drug can provide a human with is nothing short of magical.
They call it the love drug, and I require no explanation as to why. However, the love you feel for others when under the influence of this drug is not like any other you have felt before.
Love, in my experience, is never without conditions. That is not to say that, if you break this rule then I will not love you any more. Emotions simply do not operate that way. But it is to say that, I will only love the parts of you that I accept, and I will hope the rest of you changes to something that I personally approve of.
This is not what you feel for others while on ecstasy.
The best description on the effects of ecstasy that I could give, would be to say that;
We are taught Evolutionary theory at school so that we will look upon each other as adversaries. We learn insecurity from the media and advertisement so that we might buy more things to make us feel better about ourselves. Society teaches us that we should only be friends with those who have branded their self with the same labels.
For these reasons, as well as many others, the modern environment leads us to spend our lives erecting barriers between one another. Ecstasy tears those barriers down. The resulting feeling is one of supreme connectivity to your fellow man. Euphoria is the word used to describe this feeling, but I would refer to it as unconditional acceptance.
When this feeling takes over, you are able to both love and accept those around you. Not for who they are, but because they are. The innate understanding that everyone is as worthy of love and respect as anyone else in this world becomes apparent, and the instinct to judge others for their actions is suppressed. Negative characteristics become nothing more than unique identifying traits. Past grudges are interpreted as bonding experiences, providing only more reason to love. Feelings of competitiveness and the very concept of "survival of the fittest" escape you, and all that remains is the knowledge that we are all bound to one another on a level that need not be understood, only accepted.
Yes. Magical is a fitting adjective for the feeling that ecstasy can provide one with. I have heard it said that if everyone were to take ecstasy for one day, the world would be saved. I couldn't argue against the theory. However, I do not wish to mislead anyone. This state of unconditional acceptance is not a constant when under the influence of ecstasy. The effects can also be unsettling, especially if you are with others who are not on the drug.
This is a feeling that can emerge when in the right conditions, and can disappear in millisecond if those conditions change for the worse. So please don't consider this a suggestion for you to do ecstasy. But, don't interpret this as a warning not to either.
If you are reading this, then I expect that you are old enough and capable enough to make your own decisions. Perhaps my experience with this drug can help you make a wiser one.
The price I paid for love-- real love -- was a heavy one. But what else is to be expected when you abuse a substance as much as I abused this one? If you are going to do pills, MDMA, or any other drug for that matter- practice moderation. For you may find yourself regretting the consequences of over-indulgence even decades later-- regardless of how profound those experiences may have been.
Okay bro I'm ready, I had to get dressed:
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Awww shit I'm too late again. Great post though. :)
Lol. I wouldn't be surprised if that was really you.
I remember those blanks in my brain. Years of staying away from Ectstacy and improving my diet helped my brain immensely. I never did as much E as you. Bill Romanowoski also speaks of how his brain has healed through nutrition after year of head bows in the NFL
Thank you for the advice and for the sentiment that inspired you to share it, but there's no need. For me, I have found that meditation and prolonged fasting is the best way to heal- and nutrition I have been working on for a while.. I will be there soon.
Keep it up!
Wow , Just Wow and the end more Wow some hardcore porno. lol followed
MDMA and MDA can be an amazing adventure but I have always heard that abuse can cause brain damage, really good information here to a someone whos new to the topic
Coming from an alternative religious meditative experiences mindset...
I do not find ecstasy or cannabis to be good roads to getting there.
In every case that I have seen, the drugs always are a hindrance in going forward and getting to those locals (in the mental and emotional realms) on your own.
However, I do know that many people would never have gotten past step one except for the assistance of drugs like ecstasy or cannabis.
Now, getting back your mental processing.
Ecstasy is said to open up your right brain, but this may not be true, it may shut down your left brain.
The right brain sees everything as connected.
Everything out there is literally a part of you. It is beautiful, loveable, truly connected. There is no separation.
The left brain sees everything as disconnected.
This is why scientists take everything apart. We need to find out how an atom works, lets smash it into its pieces so we can study it.
So, you damaged your brain. Either killing off part of the left brain, or killing the connections between the left and right hemispheres.
Now, you will have to heal that. Meditation is not the answer, but meditation is the start of the answer.
I will offer you a worthy response when I am able to, but first I need clarification on something.
It sounds as though you are suggesting that we all ought to attempt to get to where you are at. That being an alternative religious meditative mindset.
I am sure I must be misinterpreting that, so can you clarify where you mean when you say "to getting there."
An apropos word would be nirvana. But most english speakers do not know what that means. They also think that is the goal of meditation.
Nirvana makes all of your ecstasy trips seem like... the difference between being in a kiddy pool and being in the ocean.
Most drugs have a mind (focus) altering property. And, you can achieve the same results from meditation. But, with meditation, you are in control. You can go there when you want to, you can come back when you need to. You can even get to the state where, in your words, you love all your friends, and you are also aware that they are not in a state to reflect that love, or deal with it.
One of my mentors talked of LSD as a train ride through Buddha land.
But, with meditative practice, you get to walk in Buddha land, not just a controlled trip.
However, there are many people who... are really stuck in this 3D world. These people don't even have a feeling of a thought about there really being something more out there. For these people, taking the train ride through Buddha land gets them to where they KNOW that there is something more out there, and can go seek it.
But, what I have seen with cannabis is that, they get addicted to the crutch. They think the crutch is the walking. And so, getting them off the crutch is often difficult. Even worse, after they are off, they still have this grey fog that permeates their aura, that they have to go and clear/repair.
Okay, I understand what you mean now. I was unaware of the word nirvana too, as I am not religious in the slightest.
You will be happy to know I first started meditating almost a decade ago. I have made great progress with my healing, but I am unsure if I will ever fully repair my brain. But, prolonged fasting certainly seems to be more effective to me than any other thing I have tried.
I am well aware of the powers of meditation. I have written before of how my deepest meditation sessions felt very similar to taking psychedelic drugs. I am not sure I agree with you on the cannabis, however. I believe the plant to exist for this very reason- to aide us on our journey within- as well as many other things.
i feel you bro
A little gay... but thanks. ;D
hehe
Thank you, Scott, for this very vulnerable look into who you were and are. I'm in somewhat of a state of sympathetic shock, barely able to imagine the pain of losing such a gift in such a short time.
A friend of mine spoke of similar struggles after having brain surgery to eliminate a tumor.
Thank you for sharing so openly.
😄😇😄
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Thanks for the kind words. I am sorry to hear about your friend, and if he has suffered brain damage you should ask him to do some research into meditation and its ability to heal and regenerate the brain. This is what I used and it had a marked improvement on my memory, and really just my well-being as a whole.
Thanks for the suggestions for my friend. However, he has since passed away. I mentioned him simply to convey to you that I had some pre-existing understanding and empathy for something like what you've gone through. ;)
I'll surely keep the meditation in mind for future reference, Thanks! :D
Well, that is shit. You have my condolences. But, I think for him it was likely different. I brought this on myself, where as I suspect he did not. From such a perspective it would seem that I was deserving of my trauma, where as he would not have been.
Either way I appreciate the sentiment.
Thanks for this post.
My brother uses drugs alot and it changed his life in a downward spiral. I tried to stand by him as much as I could and was almost giving up on him.
This text gave me some extra power to not let him go.
Thanks alot!
Hey @driesba - we provide free addiction/recovery courses to anyone here on Steemit. That includes your brother. We have courses on alcohol, opioids, smoking and a 30 day drug and alcohol course. Totally free for anyone here.
I think this is what you need, mate.
https://steemit.com/addiction/@son-of-satire/we-are-all-addicts
Don't give up on him yet.
I believe you're right. And that's the most accurate description I've ever read of the influence. I once saw someone close to me as cotton candy when on MDMA. It's great but moderation is essential. 13 and a half... That sounds like a scary LOT.
Well I hope you didn't try to eat them.. lol.
Yes, I am with you. I was only a kid so I will use that as an excuse for my stupidity. It's been quite some time since I did any A-class drugs, or even had any alcohol. But I am not done just yet. Ayahuasca is something I have to try, and will be doing so next year. They say it can have dramatic effects on you, so I will be interested to note the differences in my writing before and after the experience.
Oh wow. That sounds Amazing. When you resort to intoxicants with an eye for experimentation and learning, I believe leaves you less venerable to falling victim to them. Just my point of view.
LSD is that one drug for me that I absolutely have to try and note its effects on my art also. Have you experienced that one? If yes then I'd love to hear you describe it.
I agree. Though I find it interesting that so far on, and with me not staying in contact with many of the friends who I overindulged with, I have learned that many of them are on similar paths-- for lack of a better phrase. Perhaps the intent is not as important as we think, and the physical effects of these drugs are mind-expanding regardless of the purposefulness they are taken with. But I would definitely agree that one can get a lot more out of the experience when consciously making the effort to do so.
While I have done LSD, it was not nearly as many times and so I doubt I would be able to articulate it as eloquently as with pills. I also had very contradictory experiences. I suspect you already know that it is a far more powerful psychedelic and so your trips will be really intense and on occasion difficult to discern from reality. It sounds odd to say but I also felt as though I was thinking in shapes. As if that was a language, but I understood it. My body has also felt as if it were a hologram on LSD, as if I didn't actually exist. Yet conversely, another time I could feel every part of me, from the blood being pumped in my vessels to my organs and brain at work. I really did not that shit.
Have you considered doing DMT instead of LSD first? As it is a far shorter trip with relatively similar effects, and is often used non-recreationally for the purpose you speak of.
Well perhaps one should be conscious of the possible risks involved... but isn't the opposite kind of like the whole idea? Like explore your boundaries and thresholds, even if that might scare you?
I spent the 90s doing E and what it did for me was turn a painfully shy wallflower who couldn't leave the house into a confident social butterfly, on E or off it. But it was White Doves and Shamrocks we were necking and you wouldn't need to do more than 1 or 2 of those boys to dance 'til dawn.
I remember being up north in Belfast, Armagh and Derry; religion, nationality, none of it mattered, all dancing together to the same beat.
Those were the days!
Shamrocks is rather fitting. The white doves even made it to where I was at. I did far too many of those too. I have been buzzing off my but many a time on one or even half a pill. The only reason I ended up doing so much is because I was doing them every night for a while and my tolerance was growing exponentially.
Then again, it could also just have been greed. Perhaps if I had only done 5 I would still have felt something, but when I didn't feel anything even after smoking some weed to bring me up, I would take another one or two, so chances are I heavily over did it that night.
And yes, the dancing.. Lol. I think Ali G says it best;