As I weave my hand through the bath water I close the tap. It feels just right, a bit on the warm side but not scalding. I would hate to have one of my rare hot water baths be marked by burning ass cheeks. I let out an audible sigh of relief as I lower myself into the water. "Perfect."
This is not so much a bath to get clean as a treat, there is no rush and although it is quite cold due to winter the water will still be nice for a good while. For longer than I require at the very least. There has been thought with me today, a thought I have been looping. I catch myself doing this at times, fixated on something.
"I have nothing," and by extension, I would almost say I am nothing. I can't seem to do that though. I can't seem to think I have nothing and have that mean I am nothing. They are worlds apart so I am fine with "I have nothing."
Over and over my mind plays the same monotonous tune, waiting for me to join. "Mmm," I go below the water the pressure and warmth washing over me, "Soothing... " I think. I have a stupid grin as I think the word. Are there not better ones I could have used? Did I choose soothing because I am in pain? "There is something else, " I think to deliberately shift my thoughts, guide it but not control. "Surreal..." Yes, that is close. It is surreal how under the water I am more aware of myself.
My heart rate, and breathing. My thoughts seem to be louder and flowing with intent. I think of how I came to be here, at first I acknowledge that it is a simple case of getting undressed and into the bath. "Pftt," I chide myself. I know what I mean. "I have nothing..."
On an ethical, moral and all around good guy level. I kinda like myself. I like how I don't care too much, or have unfun drama. I do not like how I don't stand up for myself and even less for others. I do not like that I was stupid to believe that after school holidays with Mom she would not leave again. I don't like that if something did not affect me I ignored it, leaving my sibling deal with her own shit. I don't like that I blamed her for having us be taken away because she got hidings.
I never did thank her for that. "I have nothing," fucking pity party if you ask me. "I HAVE NOTHING!" Ok, ok I will try. I don't like that I reach a level and give up. "No..." What then? The water feels amazing, I raise up and lean back my mind feels clear, as much as it will ever be. I stare at the broken tile opposite me, "There is always one, isn't there."
I have gone through all the times I can recall, times that I see as a failure. This has to be true since I have only accomplished or acquired the little I have on the backs of others. I can't imagine another me, me under other circumstances. For now "I have nothing," is just a reminder.
Sinking down to the bottom of the bath, the water still warm enough to enjoy. I think back, ignoring a rising feeling inside, an urge to prove myself to myself. No, right now I must just remember. "I have nothing."
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