Liquid Strength ~ Drop in the Ocean: Commemorate

in dropintheocean •  3 months ago  (edited)

As I weave my hand through the bath water I close the tap. It feels just right, a bit on the warm side but not scalding. I would hate to have one of my rare hot water baths be marked by burning ass cheeks. I let out an audible sigh of relief as I lower myself into the water. "Perfect."

This is not so much a bath to get clean as a treat, there is no rush and although it is quite cold due to winter the water will still be nice for a good while. For longer than I require at the very least. There has been thought with me today, a thought I have been looping. I catch myself doing this at times, fixated on something.

"I have nothing," and by extension, I would almost say I am nothing. I can't seem to do that though. I can't seem to think I have nothing and have that mean I am nothing. They are worlds apart so I am fine with "I have nothing."

Over and over my mind plays the same monotonous tune, waiting for me to join. "Mmm," I go below the water the pressure and warmth washing over me, "Soothing... " I think. I have a stupid grin as I think the word. Are there not better ones I could have used? Did I choose soothing because I am in pain? "There is something else, " I think to deliberately shift my thoughts, guide it but not control. "Surreal..." Yes, that is close. It is surreal how under the water I am more aware of myself.

My heart rate, and breathing. My thoughts seem to be louder and flowing with intent. I think of how I came to be here, at first I acknowledge that it is a simple case of getting undressed and into the bath. "Pftt," I chide myself. I know what I mean. "I have nothing..."

On an ethical, moral and all around good guy level. I kinda like myself. I like how I don't care too much, or have unfun drama. I do not like how I don't stand up for myself and even less for others. I do not like that I was stupid to believe that after school holidays with Mom she would not leave again. I don't like that if something did not affect me I ignored it, leaving my sibling deal with her own shit. I don't like that I blamed her for having us be taken away because she got hidings.

I never did thank her for that. "I have nothing," fucking pity party if you ask me. "I HAVE NOTHING!" Ok, ok I will try. I don't like that I reach a level and give up. "No..." What then? The water feels amazing, I raise up and lean back my mind feels clear, as much as it will ever be. I stare at the broken tile opposite me, "There is always one, isn't there."

I have gone through all the times I can recall, times that I see as a failure. This has to be true since I have only accomplished or acquired the little I have on the backs of others. I can't imagine another me, me under other circumstances. For now "I have nothing," is just a reminder.

Sinking down to the bottom of the bath, the water still warm enough to enjoy. I think back, ignoring a rising feeling inside, an urge to prove myself to myself. No, right now I must just remember. "I have nothing."

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I don't think noone ever has nothing. Life is trying. Life is a challenge. It's not always fair. Kids don't choose the circumstances they get thrown into. Sometimes adults are stupid and selfish. But without all the disappointment, the fear, and the constant fighting it kinda moulds us to who we become. Cynical as it may be. It's kinda perfect. We have our wit, we have ourselves, we have out fight and most of all we have our freedom!

P. S. If you pee in the bath water it will stay warmer for longer!

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Agreed, I could be far less than what I am. Not even comparing though and purely criticising myself I don't think it is bad to think in those terms. the word was, commemorate and to do that may be thinking that I have nothing then reflecting on the past, times of growth and experience I commemorate those times for getting me where I am. Hence the reason I can't think "I am nothing" without my mind throwing a hissy fit. Negative reinforcement maybe? "I have nothing..." but acknowledging everything I might just push harder.

Very clichè :) Yip that is why I make sure to hydrate before taking a bath haha.

My nigga got curied!! Noice!!!

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Oh that amount of pee you have to produce!

If you good at producing a minimal amount of piping hot pee it will do as well. Adding some jalapeños to your water usually does the trick!!

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Didn't realize everyone had that same broken tile

Something in common I guess, next time at a bar I might see if I can use it as an ice breaker. So Chika you know that broken tile in your bathroom... now that I say it that just sounds creepy as hell haha.


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Hmmnnnnnnn.....??? does sound kind of creepy...@penderis

:) Creepy is part of my charm.

You do.
You have that broken tile.
I love your (sinister) fictions. :)
Congrats on Curie vote!

Thanx. I have THE broken tile Muhahahaha.

Hi penderis,

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  ·  2 months ago (edited)

Very insteresting introspective exercise.
I smiled at the image of a broken tile in the bathroom. I did not have tiles in the bathroom I grew up with, but I used to look for shapes on the cement floor or the walls. They were part of the internal monologues and like the ideas in my head those shapes changed in time.
Your piece allows us to see clearly, naturally how we justify and reinforce certain ideas about ourselves and others.
Sometimes I shake my head at people's comments regarding justice or the lack of it, which they mitigate somehow with the idea that bad people, really evil people, are tormented by guilt and even if we do not see it (which ruins the whole thing for me) they get punishment in the form of constant self-recrimination.
In my view that is rarely the case, and that would explain the ubiquitousness of evil.

Thanx, yes the patterns or shapes and focal points we choose can act as triggers or just something to wander our eyes along as your mind ponders.

Mmm... I really really don't like the idea of punishment by guilt lol that is quite pathetic. Simply if you can dish it out then you will just need to nut and not complain when your ass gets hanged. Sadly they are over compensating for evils of the past by now attempting no evil. Well none that we see. So justice is being a bit of a goody two shoes.

I don't have that broken tile :)

I was surprised to see that it's a fiction writing. Your story sounds like you were telling us about your feelings. It's realistic..

When I take a bath I don't think too much. I just try not to fall asleep as I'm afraid of drowning :D

Thank you for sharing and have a lovely day!

It is fiction to the extent of the scene, a mix of real feelings and fictional placing which I guess allows me to look at it from the outside. Mmmm maybe not fiction? Life can feel like fiction at times.

Haha, shame maybe a bath pillow would help unless you sleep face down. I actually use the time to read and recently found audio books but wrangling the damn headphones to not get wet is such a pain. Too damn stressful, definitely not how soaking should be.

Hahaha, I have never thought about a bath pillow! That is a great idea.. I am usually taking a bath only a few times in a year but this would definitely make this experience more comfortable..

Oh, I agree.. this is why I usually get bored as I don't take anything with me :D but what about listening to the audio books without the headset?

Did I choose soothing because I am in pain - Such a thought, it stuck with me. I like the usage of - "weave my hand through the bath water", "burning ass cheeks"
hi hi , nice write up :)

congrats on that curie mate :)

Thank you. Yip I actually gave that weave some thought and still am not sure if it is the right word but does roll off the tongue quite nicely.

Yeah quite nicely and sounds very stylish and fashionable kinda usage of word :p

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