The Curse of Obligation

in dropintheocean •  2 months ago

Have you ever met someone that had difficulty saying no? The person you could always turn to for help. The person that would get themselves in a bad situation if it meant helping someone else. The person that, for some reason, felt obligated to help anyone that asked but could never seem to find a way to help themselves or didn’t have the ability to ask someone for help.

Years of this behaviour takes its toll on someone, in many ways … emotionally, financially and it leads people to think it's okay to take advantage of the situation. The more you do for someone, the more they expect and when you have trouble saying no, just imagine where that can lead.

I know this because I am that person and I don’t know why I have had this problem my whole life. I've fought hard to change and I’m doing better than I was. There are now only two people in my life that have their fangs stuck in and completely drain me and yet I find it difficult to sever those ties. Why do I feel obligated to these people?

This is definitely something about myself that I don’t really understand. I can think logically about it and realize that these people are no good for me and yet when they call… I feel obligated to answer. Knowing this about yourself is enough to drive you bat-shit crazy. Is it a matter of my mind versus my heart? I haven’t figured that out yet.

It becomes a vicious cycle though. So-called friends, calling needing a helping hand. You help. You don’t hear from them for a while. You call and text, get no response. See their name ringing your phone, you pick up… they need help again. On and on it goes, the revolving door you’ve allowed until you need help and reluctantly make a call to the person you’ve helped only to get “I’m sorry, I can’t help you” and then you realize that you are on your own and take the steps necessary to erase that person from your life.

Relationships are a balance of give and take. If one person in that equation feels as though they give more that the other, over time, that could lead to resentment and eventually the loss of that person. For me personally, I don’t give hints and I don’t want to talk about it; I feel as an adult that maybe you should know better. Therefor, I just disappear. This may not be the best way to deal with these situations but it’s the only way I know.

I don’t usually seek out new relationships and most times if I find myself getting close to someone I put on the breaks and hit the reverse button and nip that shit in the bud. I lock myself in my bubble and I am happy there. It’s peaceful and quiet and necessary for my sanity. One day I will be rid of the vultures that are left, it will just take me getting to that breaking point and then I guess I will just poof disappear and ignore the constant sense of obligation that I feel.

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This has been my Drop in the Ocean post about Obligation for the awesome BuddyUP community.
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For me personally, I don’t give hints and I don’t want to talk about it; I feel as an adult that maybe you should know better. Therefor, I just disappear. This may not be the best way to deal with these situations but it’s the only way I know.

I have a similar approach with those I feel should 'know me by now'. Feel ya Doll.🤗

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Stole my comment :( haha.

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Thanks @enginewitty. It's good to know I'm not the only one like this. I'm just too old for all of that. I read this saying once... "Don't waste your time on someone who wouldn't waste their time on you."
I love that and live by it. It's all about give and take. Thanks hunnie 🤗

I have always been that person, still struggle to say no, even if sometimes I felt used I never did help expecting anything in return though it is frustrating to see how people get more than what they should. Just recently started to say no, small things, though most of the time I still jump in and do.

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I know what you mean, I never expected anything in return... except in times of need but I learned my lesson quickly to not expect even then. I guess it is our burden to live with. I've learned to say no, but still with certain people it's extremely hard. Thanks for reading @yidneth ... it's been amazing to see that in most things I am not alone.

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Yes, I wish it were as easy to say no as some people can shamelessly ask... it's in our nature I guess... I'm still learning... and most times I know I'll find myself not strong enough to do it :) I guess. But it's a fact that people tend to take advantage of generosity... :/ I would not like to lose my naiveness but maybe I'm reaching that point where I am aware it's a must. I must not carry always the extra weight of others and drown but help others to reach shore.

My mother was similar. She would help everyone, she gave her all to anyone.

It helped her to practice saying No! with a friend. The friend would ask for a normally acceptable favor and my mom would say no. She got comfortable saying no.

There is also a joy in yes, but a sense of obligation makes any yes uncomfortable.

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I'm glad your mom found a way to deal with it. I think for me it was not only the sense of obligation but also seeing how fast people would take advantage of that.

Thank you @tawasi, I appreciate the comment and may have to try what your mom did if I continue to struggle.

I think part of that is also the mom/nurture thing.

We just can't help ourselves, we are biologically programmed to take care of others and then it just plain hurts when those others can't be bothered when we suddenly are in need.

I definitely live in a bubble too and I like it here! Very peaceful.
XXXOOO
~T

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Yeah @tamala you're right. The mom/nurture thing is a curse.

There's nothing like the bubble...I have wine and other good things there!! Lol
🖤🖤🖤

Relationships are a balance of give and take. If one person in that equation feels as though they give more that the other, over time, that could lead to resentment and eventually the loss of that person.

I would say I am at this point, but getting rid of the person is proving difficult :)

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It's never easy getting rid of someone @penderis ... especially if you've put a ton of time and energy into that person. You'll find a sense of relief as soon as the deed is done though.

Oh yes, I am quite familiar with this ... it was hard for me to learn to say "no" sometimes ... still feel bad in case I decide for a "no" to protect me in a way ... but sometimes there is no other choice ... oh I know this stuff very ver well ...

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Hey @anutu ... this seems to me difficult for more people than I realized. It's kinda nice knowing that I have this in common with so many others. It seems easier to deal with when you know you're not alone.

I still feel bad when I have to say no too in certain situations... but it's been quite liberating in others.

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Exactly ... so true @monchhichi23 agree 100%. There was a time when I thought, yes ... I can handle it ... yes, no problem ... I can say no ... whooooohoooo ... but then the next "curse of obligation" arose and again I felt so much trapped ... again ... I think it' a long process ...

It's good to know, that it's difficult for more people I thought of. I mean not good at all ... but at least I feel not so much alone with this challenge now :)