Diary Entry: Mental Breakdown

I don't know how I should feel right now. Is my life good or is it bad? Am I happy with myself and all those crossroads I'm encountering? People I surround myself with? Is it really enough just to never feel depressed?

F*ck, I want more.

I want to see summer when others see winter. I want to write in the middle of a day, not just when I have time, but don't have energy or lack imagination. I want money to work for me, not otherwise. I want to be as independent as I can be from this organically formed, though severely broken system of humanity's employment in which I'm also stuck. But that's not the worst. What scares me the most is that there are so many people that don't share my beliefs. People who think their precious and irretrievable time is worth the barter. And I call it irretrievable because I can't be 20 years old again. Not me, not you. I can only grow older and die someday. Is it enough? Do I really want to consciously gyrate in this endless routine where I am the only one who feels scammed of life itself? Do I really want this when almost everything, EVERYTHING is possible in this universe?

I'm capable of doing more. I can see that. But I'm moving too slow. I must be faster. I must do more that I do now. And I must hurry up. Otherwise I will lose my mind. I know I can because the fact remains - everything is possible. And if I feel like I'm on the edge already, unlike most people I consider it a serious sign that I should do something differently. And that's not a joke! Maybe for some losing your mind seems a bit funny and over the top, that's probably because they lack wit. They simply CAN'T lose their minds, but I can. I can and that's why I don't want to.

Though I'm in this situation not by coincidence. There's a reason I feel like a shark who just smelled blood. That's what motivated me to count my time. Sometimes demand and absurdity of life won't even leave you enough time to take care of your sickness and that makes it even more absurd.

I want to live.

I want to live an interesting life. Do I know what I need to do in order to achieve it? Do I have all the necessary tools for it? I have everything. That's why I'm already going crazy. I feel like I've sat on the same chair for 25 years just looking at medium rare steak with fork in my hand without being able to open my mouth. Somewhere in Portugal, by the ocean.

Can I hurry up? That's the question. I have to think about it very hard because there's so many possibilities I can take and discover even more possibilities. As I already said twice, everything is possible. Especially when you can lose your mind.

So I will be back. Sooner or later, but I will.

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