I think I need a budget, but it's so hard to hold back

This happened a few years ago too, and it's been worrying me. I worked for a few months and I managed to save around $300 (the rest, I spent on things I "needed" like clothes, more clothes, and lots of shampoo). I bought a $300 phone. Somebody mugged me 2 months later and I blamed myself because I couldn't buy another phone now.

That's the problem when you have nothing and then you have something. I felt the need to pamper myself because I had been through such hardships before. I wanted to feel the quality that money could bring, and now I had the money to buy a proper phone at last, after years of suffering from the slowest of devices. I couldn't buy anything for myself. I had spent years without buying clothes, without going out in fear of spending too much. So I had the money, I pampered myself, and then I lost it all, and my job wasn't giving me as much money as before, so I didn't have the chance to buy anything anymore.

I lost my chance to save for my future because I didn't have a budget. I blamed myself for 2 years for that. I "punished" myself to scarcity. I wanted to show myself that I could be stingy too, that I didn't have to give away and buy away and immediately release every coin I ever had in my hands. I thought it had worked. And now I have the chance to save, I have a bit of money, and here I am, thinking about using it on a phone, and getting my dad to buy one for my brother, who's been in a similar situation as mine.

I feel like I'm going to lose the phone. It's cheaper than the one I bought before, but not by that much. Am I a spendthrift? I would say I'm not, but I still notice the same pattern as before. I see an increased balance and it doesn't mean "save for a few months or years later", it means "what can I spend it on?". I'm very saddened that this is my mindset. I want to be able to be prosperous, to have a bright future.

One thing that has been saving me so far is that every time I see some income and I don't have anything to spend it on, I power it up to Steem Power. Steem Power can only be released after 3 months of continuous powering down and we're discouraged to do that. I feel like it has been teaching me the power of saving. I must have earned more than that in the past in total, but I spent it all on things that I no longer have, but this year, most of my earnings have gone into Steem Power. And as Steem Power grows, I hold more, and I'm able to do more things on Steem and I have a bigger earning potential.

But I also have liquid funds, and now that I have them, I'm already looking at phones and things to pay. I rented a server too. It's all "investments", but does a phone pay for itself in the long term? It's just a tool for comfort and convenience. And when I have it, I will be so scared of leaving my home with it that I will either hire taxis or leave it here when I go out. What's the point then? Now I doubt every expense I've had in the last few months. I want to save, but I spend as if there were no tomorrow. I guess I'm the result of Venezuela's inflation, where everything you earn, you have to invest it somewhere. Holding Venezuelan currency for a few months means turning what could have been a car into a family trip to a restaurant.

I now look at my home and see all of the unused things. Did we need to buy them? A piano that no one plays, a guitar that no one plays, a few electronic goods we bought to resell but we haven't even touched. So, here I am, without much money, and I see that we spent a lot of money on things we didn't need. I have to question every expense now, but it's hard. I don't know how to budget or to save for my future. I feel like having money is a pit where I fall and only by spending it, I can climb out, in order to have things and nothing to spend. It feels like I'm the misled child of the God of Chaos.