Back when I was performing more, I got a lot more attention than I do now. Everyone wanted to sit at my table, I never had to start a conversation to be at the center of one. It didn’t matter that my guitar skills were unimpressive, that I was a nobody in the music scene or that I was insecure as hell. I was the guy on the stage and people wanted a piece of that. People called me and sent me messages every day. I always had something going on.

all phones in hand

Sure, it was nice to be respected and acknowledged, but it wasn’t a very fulfilling kind of respect. I remember feeling distinctly that no one really understood my music, and that only a small fraction even appreciated it. The rest was a kind of empty going-through-the-motions. Nobody really knew what they were doing there, they just thought they wanted to see a performance. Most people would talk during the show, I didn’t sing any famous songs and my songs were not recorded yet. Some were messaging on their phones. Some would watch the show through their phone cameras. It was essentially just an excuse to be social. But I was always treated like a big deal, except by those who were a bigger deal. I was an object of social cred. It was essentially all a power game. People like to be next to someone who “matters” and because I spent time on the stage and posed for a few photos, I “mattered”.

Before a show I was asked to write attractive descriptions of my music that would draw people in, and present the organizers with pictures that would impress people. After most shows I felt as if I were a counterfeit product that drew people in with its fluffy advertising. When I spoke between songs, nobody really listened, they were lost in their thoughts, or thinking about who to go home with, or about work the next day, anywhere but the present moment.

Some of the problem was certainly my ability and my own self satisfaction and self condfidence, but I wasn’t looking for massive crowds. My whole motivation behind playing shows was to get over the fear of being on the stage as I worked my music into something I was happier with. Deep inside I was hoping that people would recognize me for what I was, even if that meant not being so special in their eyes. “You have potential, Iooking forward to hearing your album” is what I really wanted to hear, not empty words, just something true.

It was even worse for my friends who were truly famous and more talented musicians than myself. I watched people fawn over them, hang on their every words, beg for pictures and autographs and basically neglect any opportunity of a true human connection with them. Some loved being the star, some hated it, but they were all forced to play the part, and if they didn’t, the best they could hope for was awkward disappointment.

Fame is a symptom of our learned inability to see each other human beings as equals, of our addiction to a power structure. It’s a symbol of our collective disempowerment. It’s part of a myth that says you are capable of something that I am not or that I am capable of something that you are not. It’s an excuse to not level the fuck up, or a distraction that leads us to level up for the wrong reasons. It is centralized attention. It’s an imaginary line between me and you. It was put there by those who realize that dividing us makes us easier to manipulate, easier to sell products to.

Fame is simply a play on our desire for respect and acknowledgement. The pop star, the CEO, the politician, the doctor, the teacher, the leader, the guy on the stage, they often have a near monopoly on respect and acknowledgement and so we gravitate towards them and forfeit our power to them or we try to show off and outdo them. That respect and acknowledgement belongs to all of us, but we need to recognize that and continually strive to embody a better version of ourselves in order to reclaim that misplaced esteem.

Perhaps someone is more talented than you in a specific area or even in multiple areas. Recognize them as a self empowered individual, not as an idol. Recognize yourself in them, and your ability to achieve equally impressive feats. See them as a resource to learn from, rather than an idol to obsess over. Realize that you are capable of far more than you can currently imagine and find respect for yourself so that you can begin to see yourself as an equal.

Read Part 2

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Confessions of the Damaged - a collection of short stories

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