Death Thoughts Daily

Lying in bed, last night, I started to have a panic attack...my chest tightened, my breathing became laborious.

I was thinking about death, of course.

This happens to me for about 15-30 seconds, several times a day.

Usually, they are fleeting snips, uncatchable , like
———imagining the impact of a car wreck (would there be pain, or would it be instant black?)
———years of suffering through cancer (definitely pain, but maybe someone to hold your hand)
———a space toilet falling from the sky (instant, unknowable fate)
———nuclear disaster (hoping for instantaneous, but awareness of the struggles of not dying)
———choking on a hotdog (like, holy shit, this actually happened to someone I knew—what was going through their mind?)

As I said, these are usually quick, flashing thoughts—sometimes lifetimes of information distilled into little micro-universes in my mind.

Last night was not much different—

What happens when a person dies in their sleep?
———Do they know they are dying?
———Would it be “better” to know you are going?
———What are a person’s last thoughts? (Who cares about what they say, really?)

I really hope I wake up.

Thantophobia is the perverse fear of death—phobia style. I would like to think I don’t qualify for this label, but these intrusive panic inducing thoughts make me question my sanity, at times.

Everybody dies, it is an inescapable fact. The only unknowns in that equation are How and When.

Don’t even get me started on the “after.”