The grass is greener on the other side! A dating dilemma…
I don't know if this is a problem with Steemians but it certainly is a problem in Montreal
Today I had a chat with one of my male friends about dating and the difficulties we are facing to find a decent relationship.
Since I come from a conservative Muslim background, my experience with dating is still in its infantry as I only started 3 years ago. During that time, I felt that arranged marriage (as happens in my country), although may not be a good solution, was easier than dating. The reason that arranged marriage is easier because the 2 people involved in that arrangement don’t have a lot of choice, especially for women. So they, kind of, accept their situation and try to make the best out of it or just live it because they are expected to do that despite any problems or incompatibility.
I admit that, when I was dating, I was evaluating the guys I met according to “whether I see myself married to this man or not!”. Last year, I met an interesting person but after the relationship ended I realized that I was dating him with the mindset of an arranged marriage. To give you an idea of what that means, I will explain how arranged marriage work back in my city. Usually the man's female relatives (mother, sisters, nieces…etc) look for single prospective women either through friends or in parties. When they find one or more, they make arrangements to get their picture (with or without the knowledge of the girl involved) and showing it to the man of interest. This man then chooses the most interesting person for him and send the family to ask for her hand with a picture of him. In some occasions, this girl may have more than one suitor at one time. Hence, with the family approval, she will choose one of them. Once the pair is formed, they start a process of knowing each other (while each living in their parents’) with the expectation of marriage once they get acquainted enough. This period lasts few months to a year, depending on the family rules and usually the couple are not allowed to have intimacy. Break ups and divorce are strongly frown upon, and if a woman does choose to divorce she will be branded as “inadequate for marriage” for the rest of her life. Hence, from the beginning, most women feel obliged to accept the person they chose even if they were not compatible. In my case, although I was against this outdated approach, the process of reading through multiple profiles and finally meeting a person that I felt some connection with made me super anxious because, unconsciously, I obliged myself to commit to marry that person instead of letting the relationship run its natural course. This, of course, stressed the whole relationship until it blew up in my face!
However, if I subtract myself from the dating world since I know very little about how to actually date, I still find it strange that many people, who are supposedly familiar with dating, are not able to find partners despite the large number of available singles (males or females). I could be wrong, but including my friends (males and females) I often saw some familiar faces in all of the different dating sites I tried (Match, eHarmoney, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, etc). I also heard many men/women complaining that they were not successful in finding partners even after few years on these websites.
Now my question is, Why is it so hard to find a suitable partner (man or woman) among those available nowadays? In my opinion, it is possible that:
There are people who use such sites in an unsuitable matter which decreases the trust that would be otherwise given to another respectable/honest person. Therefore, we become prone to think of any new person we meet as “The candidate is guilty until proven innocent” instead of “The candidate is innocent until proven guilty”,
The disappointments that some people face during/after the process of meeting several candidates added to the fact that we become pickier as we become older increases our pickiness. With time, our list of criteria becomes crowded as every criterion that was at the bottom of the list migrates to the top of the list.
“The grass is always greener on the other side” effect. The large number of singles on both sides may cause some people to think that there is no need to continue with one person (even if that person was a good match) since it is possible to find a better catch if they look a bit more! In old times (at least in the American movies I used to watch), people then put more effort into winning each others trust and appreciation which makes the relationship more valuable and worth saving if some misunderstanding arise. Nowadays, some people prefer to just quit and go find another person rather than putting a little bit of effort to build the relationship.
Having said all of that, I am not against leaving a relationship that doesn’t work (after trying and failing to work it out). I am also pro finding the perfect partner if available. However, is there really a person that fits perfectly with all our criteria? Even the identical twins that are raised in the same environment end up having different personality traits and different ways of thinking. How is it possible for different people to be perfectly matched then? add to that they may be different genders? I think the word “different” answers these questions perfectly and it would be unfair for anyone to expect or demand otherwise from another. I have to add that I am not advocating that we have to change ourselves to fit someone else, but if that change will make us grow into better us then why not do it for ourselves? Why don’t we try to find a common ground of acceptance, understanding and respect while keeping our individuality at its best? Obviously, I (and I think many people) can’t stay/work a relationship with someone that is extremely different or have multiple traits that are considered a “no-no”.
In general, I think that a successful relationship should follow the Venn diagram where the couple would have and should accept both their similarities and differences. Having differences is a healthy thing in a relationship and we should respect the quality time/activities we or our partner want to spend alone or with friends. Because this will be our time to recuperate our passion and decrease our boredom of being with the same person for a large chunk of our lives. This way our joy will increase when we connect with our partners to share similar activities and desires. The percentage of similarities shared is certainly different between people, however, with some patient and understanding we could increase these similarities if we wish. How? Wouldn’t be nice to try new things with your partner and discover similarities that neither of you knew existed?
I hope that everyone will find their Venn diagram soul-mate and share their happiness for ever after.
Sincerely,
The leaping Koala 🙂
I think you could use some more paragraphs in your writing; it's pretty hard to read.
You express a lot of ideas, and do not digest it enough for the reader. It is also hard to follow if you are writing from the perspective of the man or woman whom is involved in an arranged marriage or is dating.
First, consider the notion of Marriage in general; is it outdated? Is it mostly religious and antiquated in and of itself, expecting 2 people will remain devoted to each other their entire lives?
That said, it is possible to meet someone you like, enjoy, and may even fall in love with; but are they suitable for long term commitment? Will they support you as an equal? Are they trust worthy?
So many considerations; so it's a journey, and it depends on 2 people's values as well. Sometimes I think it's more realistic to expect you will not be with the same person your entire life, and try to enjoy the one you are with today, and try to have a family with someone you consider very solid and sensitive to your needs.
Hi Surfyogi, Thank you for the suggestion. I will work on it. I am sorry to make things hard to read/understand. Will try my best next time ;)
The biggest problem for people is commitment. An example: Restaurants in London found out that their customers don't want a lot of choices. This gives them the feeling of missing out on something. And i think that people on dating sites behave similar. They don't commit to each other, thinking there could be someone better or who fits more. I just think love without commitment doesnt work. I think arranged marriage is a very old tradition, where a lot of clans or tribes fought against each other. The inidivuum was not so important and an arranged marriage would guarantee peace and strengthen families, tribes or even Kingdoms.
Thank you for your comment steemboys :)
Steemit loves you Stacy!
![](https://steemitimages.com/0x0/https://media.giphy.com/media/QbkL9WuorOlgI/giphy.gif)
nice one ;)
Great read. Im looking to write my first article based on relationships and this was quite inspiring! :)
Thank you! Glad to hear it helps :)
good post , truly correct. one shouldnt look in their partner similarities because each person is different to the other, but rather try to work out their relationship and learn to love what the other does creating more things that they both can enjoy and understanding each others flaws and trying to perfect it.
I agree. Thank you for the comment :)
I can certainly relate to whatever you've said in this article. I belong to a very similar background (conservative Muslim family in Lahore). The caste system, family etc. make it hard for us to actually find the right one. You've written it beautifully. Regarding the dating thing, I agree. People do use the websites of such sort just to explore what's out there rather than finding what's waiting for them. Quitting a relationship that's not working for you is fair by all means. But you're right, making it to work and giving it a try is a crucial part. You got to give it a try before you give up. Every relationship requires an effort. Good article!
Thank you for your comment and support. Wish you luck in finding the one if not with you yet ;)
I finally have. Not through dating sites though. Lol.
Happy to hear and good luck :D
Thanks, buddy.
I agree with you @theleapingkoala! keep going!
Thank you for the support :)
Hey @theleapingkoala , would love to offer to come onto my podcast sometime.
It is all about entrepreneurs; what you are doing, believe in and what difference you are making in the world.
Here is the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5CpCNPna6p95oJfKPew0N3ZT0k-khdgg
It is audio only over skype. Does this sound of interest to you?
I agree with you @theleapingkoala..... As I have same kind of family background (a conservative muslim family in Bangladesh). Well I have seen many arranged marriage very closely and my opinion is that doesn't works well all the time... Many people just have to marry a complete stranger only because they have no other option as the family chooses one "suitable" groom/bride and forces them to marry only their choosen one... It's very horrible in some regions of Asia, even resulting the turn of events into "Honor Killing"...
Besides that, many people have to remain in marriage just because of family pressure, even if they dont want to be with each other. That's the main reason of the sustainability of arranged marriage.
And about the dating thing, the main factor is no one wants to put their 100% efforts in to relationship except for 10% true lovers.
And the worst part of it, is the total dating thing has become so much casual and emotionless ( thanks to society, retarded people and crapy apps like Tinder).
Now a days, people goes on a "date" with 7 different person on the 7 nights on a week and even some people hook up with those strangers (considering Tinder and other crapy apps) !!!!! Now tell me, where the fuck is love and commitment??????????????!!!!!!!
Sorry for using harsh words but It's the reality.... Situations like this pisses me off. Because commitment is the uppermost priority for me.
Hi Shahriar, Thank you for the comment and I agree with you about both subject. I have yet to see a couple who are happy after arranged marriage. Unfortunately, so far the number is ZERO.
For the dating part, it seems that people like us who come from conservative backgrounds keep some of their values close to heart. For example, commitment, loyalty, honesty, and trying to work the relationship until all options are exhausted. I think Freedom in the west and probably Europe too, made people take things for granted and sex became more and more a trade. Unfortunately I have had miserable experience with someone who is rejecting me mainly because I come from a conservative background. Having said that, I hope you will find the person that suits you. Just please don't carry negativity and bitterness about the situation with you. It will only ruin your chances of finding a good person.
Good luck :)
Wow you have same moral values as me !!!! it's good to see there is a person just like me on steemit and she is not afraid to show her believes and values to the world even if they call it back dated!!!!!! it takes a lot of courage..... I would definitely like to know that person closely!!!!
I am just wondering, can we be friends???
if yes, add me on facebook, https://www.facebook.com/shariar.sharu
I hope this is not so straight forward...
Hi Shahriar,
Thank you. Unfortunately I am avoiding facebook and other internet socializing platforms since I have problems with my family about my current life choices. So I am not that courageous always. We can be friends on steemit. You can also visit my website (theleapingkoala.ca) if you wish.
or kik or something?
or you can add me up on steemit chat ig...
tho I respect your decision about social media...