An Epic @llfarms / @blewitt COM Roast For The Ages - Comedy Open Mic Week 39 - Entry 1

When @blewitt nominated me in his awesome COM entry, Teddy KGB's voice from Rounders ran through my head.

"Hee byyeatt me. Strayyght upp."

After laughing at how absurd his sense of humor is, I dropped what I was doing to write this.

I couldn't let him win without a fight.

Oh, and if you were wondering, I dropped a bunch of rare 1960's Barbie clothes & accessories I found freecycling that I was listing for sale, so I actually owe him a big backhanded thanks.

See... I can make fun of myself just like you, Chris.

Anyway, time to dust off my #comedyopenmic tag and round-up some jokes til the cows come home.

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Inspired by true events at SteemFest, this is a post about two fine people I met there, @blewitt (Chris) and @llfarms (Justine). Well, it'll sort of be about them...

I call this post:

Oh hey, guys!

Get your upvotes flags ready!

Side note: I've included easter eggs that they and/or those who know them will probably be able to get. Enjoy the hunt.

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You're now entering the roast. There's no turning back now:

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Background:

These two comedians have become very special b-f-f-f-f-f-f-f's.

Peas to her pod, peanut butter to her jelly, C-Square to her C-Cube.

If you're not familiar with this excessive "b-f" reference, you shouldn't be because I made it up tonight.

It rather accurately means "best friends flaunting feminine figures featuring flannel forever".

Say that three times fast.

Anyway, I get this. They'll get this. Good enough.

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The Drama:

Super pissed that Justine wasn't following him on Steemit by now, and unreasonably jealous that he saw her flirting with another superhero fanatic, Chris burdened with me a mind-blowing secret about SteemFest today that I can't unsee. (The goggles, they do nothing!)

^{Ever consider Wilma from Waldo as a Halloween costume?}

Now, I'd never share this without Chris' expressed written consent, so I won't.

Here it is:

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So, without further ado...

THE SECRET IS REVEALED:

A special SteemFest love child was conceived in Kraków!!

Yes, you heard it here first, COM crew. Not even Cable can go back in time to fix this one.

I don't know how the hell Chris pulled it off. The only thing I can ever think of is that making fun of a fine woman's wardrobe the entire trip is the best way to get her out of it...

...But, apparently not for long:

Let's get right to the point. Chris blew itt.

Science Time:

Based on advanced sonogram technology, doctors have been able to project what their SteemFest child will look like, using only the parameters that they'll have a good hair dresser, and a qualified personal trainer at the age of 18.

Here's the rendering, coincidentally taken after a trip to the convenience store since Mom spilled a jar of her homeopathic calendula infused body butter all over the bathroom:

While it's technically not a sin to mock flannel, apparently their Offspring, aptly named Christine, also followed in their mother's footsteps shown below:

Per Chris' genes, Christine has no shame, and tons of Self-Esteem. However, like Mom, Christine knows that it's important to humbly Keep Em Separated sometimes.

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Reality Check:

Now I know what you all might be thinking...

There's no way Chris could pull this off. There's no way Justine would let her guard down so fast.

But where there's a will, there's a way. The stars may have been aligned in his favor.

Chris is a huge Marvel guy. He has his own store, with thousands of figures, comic books, and rare collectibles. Just look at just part of his personal collection in his garage:

Bless him.

Before SteemFest, he found out that Justine thinks Wonder Woman is the bees' knees, so he made a few subtle changes to his bedroom for his back pocket if the relentless clothing jabs didn't work. Cleverly, only a half-creepy way to impress a Steemit superhero. That's above average for you, Chris.

Thankfully, Chris gave me permission to share the proof:

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Now that we're warmed up, let's get on with profiling their SteemFest love child, which is naturally the fusion of the best of both of their worlds. If you don't know them enough to understand, just roll with it or start following their blogs!

Christine's...

Future closet:

Dog houses:

Friends:

Bat signal trap for @steemcafe at the shop to try to take away competition for Mom:

Following In Momma's horseshoesteps:

Great taste in music:

First kiss:

Source

And, lastly, affinity for macro photography:

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Are you not entertained?!

I hope people got some laughs, especially the two knuckleheads at the heart of this post. Thanks for being great people.

Oh, and if Justine doesn't follow me after this, I'm hanging up the moccs.

Thanks to our sponsors, Conquest Comics, Chris' massive set of SteemFest photos, and Justine's Fuji X-t2.

Nominating @llfarms and @marionbowes to contribute with a COM post at their leisure.

Steem's down, but we don't have to be. Resteems are greatly appreciated so this precious post doesn't get lost.

Thanks for your time,

@steemmatt

Edit: Bonus picture I made in the comments where everyone lives happily ever after: