Comedy Open Mic Round 39 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER (Entry #2) : Part 74 - There Were Safeguards?

Take a good long look at this picture. Study it. Examine every detail. In other words KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Yes that's right we've been infiltrated by a terrorist group bent on our destruction. "Oh but they're only children" some politically correct gonad will say. That's one word for them I suppose, but are they really human? My guess is no. I emerged fully formed from my mother without the need for any unsavory activities . As soon as I was born I went out looking for work. That's how I remember it anyway and that's what counts. These vile creatures, their protectors insist on calling children, are bent on your destruction. Oh yeah. There's absolutely no doubt they are psychopathic little bastards. How do I know this you may ask. Well I was reading about Gaz Coombes of the group Supergrass. That might stir the memories of a couple of people because you know someone who knows someone a bit mental who bought their albums. It's okay, there's nothing you can do for them. They have really bad musical taste, move on. That's beside the point. I couldn't give a fuck about Coombes or Supergrass. It was the story that piqued my interest. His daughter had broken his leg so he had to cancel a concert. That rang a bell with me. I did a bit of digging. Guess what? Children have got form for being violent. Sheryl Crow almost lost an eye to her children playing tennis. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey had his testicles crushed by his daughter. Tina Fey's two year old attempted to strangle her when she couldn't get what she wanted. Do you see what I mean? These are only celebrities who've suffered at the hands of children. How long do you think it will be before they start on real people who actually matter? Right now in a house near you parents are being physically abused by their children. I say we have to shut down maternity hospitals immediately. That's where they make them. It's where I bought mine. I was a fool. They were doing 3 for ten dollars, I stupidly thought it was a bargain. Luckily I stored them in my locked basement. Wake up people before it's too late. You have been warned.

(The copyright for this image is the property of University of Washington.)

To Jake it happened like this. On entering the shack he found the others seated around the table. There was a special chair for him. Different to all the other chairs, only he didn't know that. They all looked incredibly glum, only Pip managed to give him a tight smile. Knowing that she herself was about to undergo the third degree. Regarding what had occurred between Margaret and Doxy. Up to that point he was with the program. They were going to examine all the information and come up with a wonderful plan. There was even a lovely steaming cup of coffee, Daisy would make him tea if he preferred. Nothing happened. Later he discovered that nothing had happened for a long time. One moment he was seated at the table with the three of them. The next they were all standing up. Daisy had changed from her dress into some tight fitting pants. Grundel had his mechanized legs on. Pip was looking at him curiously. As Jake's head jerked around in all directions, Grundel spoke.

"We should be off. Are you ready Jake?"
"Yes." It came out of his mouth. But he hadn't thought it. "No... What the fuck just happened?"
Oh God. Now they were all smiling at him. That didn't bode well.
"Your memory of all that took place, has been wiped. Well it's been hidden. That's more exact. With the help of Hermes we were able to remove all traces of our meeting." The half man explained.
"Oh thanks Hermes." Jake exclaimed. "You turncoat."
"Hey don't blame me. All you've got is a blank space in your memory. I've got great big holes in my data storage. I don't know what happened either."
That mollified Jake faintly.
"That's a point. Where do you store all this data?"
"That doesn't matter now." Hermes insisted. "Trust me you really don't want to know. It'll only make you worry."
"Fine, as in exactly the opposite of fine. And I'm not going down that blind alley again not after homosexual. Let's stick a pin in that and get back to why it was necessary to fillet my brain."
"Because during our discussion information was revealed that you shouldn't know yet." Grundel expounded. "Daisy and I have communed with Angelique. She said you'd be willing and you were. It was necessary for you to know certain things you mustn't know, in order for us to formulate a strategy. That done we needed to remove that information. Now if we'd been back in my office we could have carefully expunged only the classified material. That wasn't possible with the rig I'd minifactured with some help from Daisy and Angelique. Now as I warned you before the operation, there may be some side effects."
"Fan-bloody-tastic. Like what?"
Grundel shrugged.
"I've no idea. I've never done anything like that before. I wouldn't have dared to, the consequences could be life altering to say the least. So far everything seems to be working as normal. It's hard to say though. Given that I don't know what normal is for you. I don't understand why you're so concerned. You underwent the process voluntarily."
"Well maybe that's one of the side effects." Jake took a swig from his cold coffee. "How much of my life have I lost?"
"Not that much, and hardly any of your brain function either. I can't be precise. I didn't have the equipment to measure. Nothing vital I imagine. You seem to be okay to me. How do you feel?"
That took the biscuit. Ate it and then spat wet crumbs all over his clean shirt.
"Incredibly pissed off. Nothing is ever straight forward in this place." This was getting him nowhere good. He had to calm down. Jake took a deep breath and released it slowly. "I take it we came up with a plan then?"
The artificial man was still beaming. Daisy and Pip were talking quietly, casting an amused glance at Jake every so often.
"Oh yes and under the circumstances it's an excellent one."
Having expected a bit more exposition there Jake was back into questioning mode in a big way.
"And the plan was?" He expounded.
"We can't tell you that. It would reveal information you shouldn't know yet which could alter an already destabilized time strand. I can reveal that it's mostly going to be you. That's nice for you isn't it? Getting into some of that action and adventure you so crave."
"I don't remember ever being that eager, but it could be brain damage. I've never craved action and adventure. It always hurts. I'm a coward. Only where pain and danger are concerned. Still a coward. Am I at least allowed to know what I'm doing next?"
Daisy hugged Pip then looked up at him.
"You will be going back to the Bristol dome with Pip and Grundel. I will be staying here doing what I do best."
"That makes sense I suppose. The whole reclusive hermit thing you've got going on."
"What makes you think I'm a hermit? I get people coming by almost every day. The citizens of Port Bristol don't trust the Consensus manufactured medibots, so there's a waiting list for their own robotic medics."
"And I'm back down the rabbit hole. Dragging my ass hither and yon with absolutely no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. Come on then let's get moving shall we. It's a bloody long walk back to the dome."
"No problem." Pip replied. "I'll get us into the transit system then we can take the train. They're every five minutes heading into Bristol. Should be there in under half an hour. I'll catch you later Daisy."

The trio said their goodbyes to their host and headed out back. Bloody typical. Jake had entered the shack early in the morning. It was now pitch dark. Loosing 8 hours, he'd only have pissed away wasn't that bad. It was the principle. Or something analogous to that. While he was out here, he took the opportunity to gaze at that faint silver arc in the sky. No matter what he was going to get there. Pip did her thing with the firewave, which brought up the service elevator. It was cramped inside. Thankfully this access was to the station itself. The transit line branched here with the main one going to Plymouth. The smaller spur went direct to Falmouth. There were many other stations that were only used by maintenance mechanoids where you could make one of the shuttles stop for you. With the right hacking tools. Not having to jump out into a sex booth was an unexpected bonus. He could tell by the slight curl to Pip's lips that she was thinking about him rolling about in all that DNA.

The shuttle stopped shortly after they exited the service elevator. The three of them boarded it. In a few minutes they'd be back top side again. Damn it was quick. Faster than sound apparently. Of course at the other end they had to clamber through the innards of the place. Then another lift to the surface. With all that had happened, Jake couldn't be sure it was the same one he and Pip had used before. The first time they'd headed into the settlement. This time they made for the dome. Getting drenched on the way. They'd forgotten that this was a rain night. It only ever rained at night in this latitude. It was a far more efficient use of water as it had time to soak in and less evaporated. It was another explanation Jake accepted at face value. Damn he was such a credulous jerk. At least the downpour was warm. All he could do was follow along, so when they reached the outer limit of the dome he wasn't that surprised to find it was nowhere near the entrance.

"We must part company here. I'll head back to my office to do my bit. You and Pip can make yourselves comfortable in the outer zone."
"Whoa hold on." Jake interjected. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Have you forgotten that my memory was wiped. I don't know anything about this plan."
"That's alright." The half man half machine stated. "Pip knows all the necessary details."
"God damn. If I knew which one of you came up with this plan... I'd give them such a stare. You'd better believe it. It would be a look you'd need to lie down to recover from."
Grundel and Pip were staring at him. It looked like pity. He hoped he was mistaken.
"The vast majority of the plan is your work Jake. You were the one who came up with it. The rest of us are merely assisting you."
The bottom dropped out of Jake's already precarious world.
"Aw fuck. My plan? I'm well and truly screwed. There is no way this can end well. I couldn't plan a long piss."
"Yeah. That's what I thought." Pip added. "Only it's quite good really. Considering."
He looked her up and down. Maybe there was a chance to forestall this approaching debacle. He could certainly delay it.
"Oh look." He acted disappointed. Full method. "Pip hasn't got a wrist device. She can't get in. Tell you what Grundel. We'll wait here in the rain, while you fetch her one."
The next three words out of Grundel's mouth made Jake want to throttle him.
"There's no need. Your device is illicit. It doesn't have the standard safe guards."
There were safeguards? One's he apparently didn't have.
"Brilliant. You've no idea how happy that makes me. The only reason I'm not dancing with joy is that I can't dance. Otherwise I'd be dancing up a storm. Singing in the rain? Let's all sing... Aw shit you've no idea how funny that really is. Hermes is laughing."
"No I'm not. Only they can't hear me anymore. Not without Daisy's magic."
"Not now Hermes." Jake had forgotten that would happen as well. "He's laughing so much I can barely understand him. Oh balls. So what's the drill with this wrist thing? Which buttons do I press?"
Pip grabbed his arm and twisted it so his wrist was towards her.
"It's easy. You just have to press this and then this."
All done before he could see exactly which icons she'd touched.
"How come you get an instruction manual and I don't." Jake complained sulkily.
"Because. Now hold my hand."
"Why?"
"Well if you don't I'll slam into the shield of the dome."
"I'm still struggling to see why that's a bad thing. I could do with a bit of light relief. Some physical comedy would be just the ticket right now. Have you washed your hands? I hope they're not sticky. Where's Grundel?" He only then noticed his absence.
"Back in his office. Not dicking about over nothing. Looks like you and me get to be bunk mates for a while. Good thing I know you're only joking."
"Not joking, thinking aloud. Don't know about you but I'm starving. Let me show you my bijou residence. I suppose I should check on my boys. See what they've been up to while I've been gone. Walk this way."
"No thanks. I'd look like a complete tool."
"Let me do all the humor Pip."
"Why?"
"Yours is funnier and I'm definitely not playing the straight man in this double act."

I would like to nominate @albertvhons and @hyperbole for the next round.