Dear Therapy Thursday,

 
My question concerns a long and complicated story about my sister and I who have never gotten along. The short version is that she believed that my 12 year old kid did something shitty to her 12 year old kid on purpose, and her kid caused a big stink about it at school. I went to the school to talk to the principal and found out that most of her (my niece) story wasn’t true.
In the meantime, my sister had sent a bunch of really mean messages to my daughter. She was ugly and hostile, and tried to intimidate her to contact her right away. My daughter ignored her demands, but it really shook her. She knows her aunt doesn’t like her and has now actively been aggressive towards her, instead of her usual passive-aggressive style. There’s something wrong with her. Her head is fucked up.
I’m done fucking with this asshole, and I’m done forcing my family to keep her in their lives. I don’t care that she’s my sister anymore. I’ve stopped contacting her, but it’s just a matter of time before our lives intersect again.
I’m afraid one of those times I will say all of the horrible things I have never said because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m afraid when I open my mouth and all that hatefulness will come out, and I will become the person I have always been afraid of.
How can I plan for the day I won’t be able to hold my tongue, and should I get a lawyer now, or wait until then?

Many Thanks,
No Family Picnic

Dear Picnic,

Well you’re in quite a pickle, aren’t you? (Thanks for sharing it, by the way!)

On the one hand, you have assessed that you want to cut someone out of your life, but by sad happenstance, they are closely related to you! Not ideal.

Here’s my reaction first: Good for you.

(image source)

Good for you for going right in and finding out the truth, instead of listening to either of the children. The truth is usually somewhere between the stories.

Good for you for modelling appropriate reactions to inappropriate behaviours. The fastest way to ensure a bad behaviour continues is to give it some more attention.

Good for you for choosing your growing, impressionable child, over your (unmedicated?) sister. Respect to elders doesn’t mean shit here. Sista was way out of line. She should have talked to you about her suspicions, and she should NOT have contacted your child, her family member, in such a disrespectful way.

My advice to you:
When it comes to your sister, blood isn’t thicker than water.

You know what is? The bonds you share with people who SHOW UP in life. Not the ones that SHOW UP when the gifts are being handed out, but the ones that continue to show up when the party is over, and the mess needs cleaning. The best thing to do to improve success in life is to start removing the parts that are UNPRODUCTIVE. Relationships are a symbiotic entity and one that requires both parties to be present, available, and open-minded. Things evolve, and we must do the same. People who add no value to your life, people who create stress for you, and people who do not see the fingerprint of their own creation standing in front of them, should NOT be invited into the inner sanctum of ‘family’, whether they were born there or not.

Your sister lost integrity as a person by acting out in such a way towards your child. In that moment, she lost her entitlement as a family member, if it ever existed. One thing that may help you in your likely future encounter is to remember that she is someone who isn’t well, and you will not be helping by contributing further. It will do you no good to start a fight, or allow your emotions to give you that satisfying physical assault you wish you had doled out when it first happened.
No, my friend, your best course of action is no action at all. Whatever occasion brings you to the same place can exist with no animosity on your part. Although probably unpleasant, you can co-exist, or at least communicate through another party if necessary. No one wants to linger around someone who has no use for them. She will likely keep her interactions to a minimum. If she starts a family battle, you can shut it down with your unwillingness to engage any further. You can transfer all the guilt, anger and frustration to the garbage, and agree to waste no more of your precious time and energy on your potential future reaction. Sometimes the greatest way to say something is to say nothing at all.

Respectfully,
Mrs. Birdman

Dear Picnic,

It sounds like your sister is a cunt, and I don't mean it in the friendly way that the Aussies say it.

I mostly agree with my wife, except for on Justin Timberlake songs and the whole "being quiet" thing.

Don't get me wrong, JT seems really cool and funny, and handsome AF, but Sexy Back was a way better song.

I think that you should start fucking with her on the DL. Here are a few things you'll need to get before you go on your spree.

1. Some throwaway email addresses. Three is fine.

2. Is there still Facebook? Use those emails to open fake accounts.

3. Find some trustworthy friends that live near her. If you don't have any, find some Russians. Those fuckers get shit done AND keep their mouths shut. Actually just go straight for the Russians. (There are human feces involved; you don't want your friends there.)
   

When you are ready, you need to think about what your sister's dreams were growing up. I'm sure that if she is as bitter as she sounds, she isn't living her dream life. Once you have it narrowed down to the dreamiest of dreams you need to make a fake Facebook account of an international company that is just starting out in whatever her passion is and have them promote it to people in her specific area.

Then you make some accounts for a couple of keeners that are also trying for the job. Use them to start building up excitement in the local area until your sister pops in there. Use the two fakes to get her into a competitive spirit.

That's when you private message her and tell her that an associate is in the area for a couple of weeks and could stop by to deliver some free product and an info package.

This is where the Russians come in. When she gives her address, you send them over and have them pelt her with human shit while calmly saying that she isn't {insert company name here} worthy and will never fulfill her dreams. Don't worry about details, they know what they're doing.

The nice thing about using Russians is that they mostly look alike and can blend in.

They are also experts in sourcing things that the average person might find difficult, like untraceable feces. (Who even knew that was a thing?)

There's a chance that this won't work, and in that case, you can get the Russians to egg her house every couple of weeks or so. They'll do it . Those industrious bastards are always looking for work.

Birdman

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