Dudes and dudettes,
I spend a good portion of my life on passenger trains. Commuting for about 2 hours each day on them allows me to take in the ambience that you can only find on a rickety old Great Northern 12 carriage pile of shite. My daily trip from Downham Market to Cambridge and back is often fraught with dangerous looks, bad body odour and noisy wankers (in the adjective sense, not verb - that would be plain wrong). Here's a rundown of what I find amusing on these marvellous journeys into the unknown.....
- The stander-upper
We are still twenty minutes from the next stop and these weirdos decide that they want to make me get out of my seat in order for them to stand up next to the door."I'm getting off at the next stop too", I say to them, but that comment normally garners a facial response akin to, "Get outta my way motherfucker cos I want to stand by the door for 20 minutes for no reason at all". What is it with these people? Just sit down and get up when we arrive. It's not a race down the platform.
- The phone talker
So auntie Doris is coming to stay this weekend eh? And you had to phone someone to tell them that while you were on the train, where you are guaranteed to lose signal and have possibly the most frustrating phonecall you have had in recent times. "Hold on, we are going into a tunnel, I might lose signal". Well if you don't shut up then I might just shove that phone into a tunnel of my own where I'm sure there is no signal. Watch out, the faeces train is coming. Poop poop!
The keyboard basher
I work in an office. A pretty big office. There are lots and lots of people typing, but there is not one single person there who can type as loudly as the tosspot on the train. He types on his Microsoft Surface, bashing the keys to within an inch of their small, square, plastic lives. I'm quite surprised he hasn't caused his fingers a mischief, to be honest.
The "I'm too important for us both to sit here" wanker
So most of the seats on the train are being used except for the one that Mr Important has placed his bag on. It's like you have taken a shit on his chest when you ask him, "Could you move your bag so I can grab a seat". The look you get from him is like nothing you have ever witnessed before. The sheer anger that is boiling inside of him due to having to put his bag on his lap would put Gordon Ramsey to shame. Not only that, once the arsehole has moved his bag, he proceeds to spread his legs so wide as to take up one and a half seats so you end up perched on the edge of yours. It's almost like he is pretending he has a massive cock and is incapable of closing his legs. In fact, the biggest cock around here is him.
- The stinky food eater
Not so long ago I was sat next to a lady on the train. She was quite unassuming, but it turned out she had really bad train etiquette. This is one of the weirdest things I have witnessed. She reached into her bag and pulled out a spoon and a tub of peanut butter. She then proceeded to spoon the aforementioned stinky-as-shit product into her mouth. A few spoonfuls later, the spoon and peanut butter went back into her bag, only to appear for an encore 5 minutes later. Maybe she was up the duff and had some kind of craving for peanuts, I'm not sure. In any case, the train carriage absolutely stank the whole way home.
- The fare dodger
These guys are funny. They spend most of their time on the train in the toilets or scouring the carriage for conductors. You can see them sweating because they haven't been able to afford the £3.50 to get to Kings Lynn as they spent it last night on a can of Special Brew or two. I've seen them jump off trains, obviously not at their intended destinations and then run up the platform to get on a different carriage so as to avoid being caught by the ticket checker. These people are scumbags and probably deserve a good beating.
The "no room for my bike" cyclist.
Please note, I am an ex-"full-size bike on the train" annoying son-of-a-bitch. There is nothing worse than having a full-size bike and trying to get it on a completely jam-packed train. In fact, I've been bollocked a number of times and told that I can't get one which ended up with me cycling the 38 miles home. I once gave a lady in a skirt a temporary tattoo with my bike. I'm not sure that the "chain on the calf" was exactly what she wanted, but hey, I thought it looked really cool. If I was ever to get myself a tattoo, I think a bike chain on the calf would be my ink of choice.
The "I have to walk the whole train to find a solitary seat" weirdo
Sometimes I'll sit there in the morning, watching "Antisocial Jim", wandering up and down multiple carriages in search of the ultimate prize... the double empty seat. Yes, this pointless exercise is all in aid of finding a seat where they don't have to sit next to someone. Not sure exactly why they do this, as, by the time they get to the next station, someone else has sat next to them anyway.
The "I'm so deaf that everyone can hear my music"
Back in the 80's (yes I'm old enough), Sony created the "Walkman". Some people called this the "Personal Stereo", but it appears that the modern day personal stereo is far from personal. I am really not interested in hearing a shit tinny version of whatever it is you are listening to on Spotify, especially if it's Justin Beiber. Why not either get some proper headphones that don't leak your "ripping beatz" into the aural receptors of every Tom, Dick and Harry within a 20m radius, or turn the fecking thing down a bit? I guess it's a vicious circle, the deafer you get from your cheap ear-buds, the louder you have your tunez.
The "I don't even need no 'effin headphones" cock
And then there's the absolute cockwomble who goes that one stage further and does away completely with any kind of personal music and just pops his phone on full whack with his chavvy buddies and subject the whole of the carriage to a barrage of shit tunes. Quite often a gentleman of an older persuasion will pipe up and say "Excuse me jolly youths, would you mind so much as to reduce the volume of your music", to which the usual reply is, "Fuck off grandad".
The, "I'm going to allow my luggage to roll all over the place"
This kind of person was witnessed by myself recently. She had an enormous wheeled suitcase that she wouldn't put in the baggage rack and insisted on holding onto it. One single lapse of concentration though and the thing rolled off down the aisle like that food trolley in the aeroplane scene of "The Day After Tomorrow". It's a pity that it didn't bash into one of the loud music cocks from above. Suitcases as weapons sound like a good idea!
Thanks for reading another one of my attempts at observational bollocks
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it
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