Comedy Open Mic Round #16 - Train Wankers.

in comedyopenmic •  7 months ago

Dudes and dudettes,

I spend a good portion of my life on passenger trains. Commuting for about 2 hours each day on them allows me to take in the ambience that you can only find on a rickety old Great Northern 12 carriage pile of shite. My daily trip from Downham Market to Cambridge and back is often fraught with dangerous looks, bad body odour and noisy wankers (in the adjective sense, not verb - that would be plain wrong). Here's a rundown of what I find amusing on these marvellous journeys into the unknown.....

  • The stander-upper
    We are still twenty minutes from the next stop and these weirdos decide that they want to make me get out of my seat in order for them to stand up next to the door."I'm getting off at the next stop too", I say to them, but that comment normally garners a facial response akin to, "Get outta my way motherfucker cos I want to stand by the door for 20 minutes for no reason at all". What is it with these people? Just sit down and get up when we arrive. It's not a race down the platform.

Free image of man on phone on train not available

  • The phone talker
    So auntie Doris is coming to stay this weekend eh? And you had to phone someone to tell them that while you were on the train, where you are guaranteed to lose signal and have possibly the most frustrating phonecall you have had in recent times. "Hold on, we are going into a tunnel, I might lose signal". Well if you don't shut up then I might just shove that phone into a tunnel of my own where I'm sure there is no signal. Watch out, the faeces train is coming. Poop poop!

Might as well be typing on this

  • The keyboard basher
    I work in an office. A pretty big office. There are lots and lots of people typing, but there is not one single person there who can type as loudly as the tosspot on the train. He types on his Microsoft Surface, bashing the keys to within an inch of their small, square, plastic lives. I'm quite surprised he hasn't caused his fingers a mischief, to be honest.

  • The "I'm too important for us both to sit here" wanker
    So most of the seats on the train are being used except for the one that Mr Important has placed his bag on. It's like you have taken a shit on his chest when you ask him, "Could you move your bag so I can grab a seat". The look you get from him is like nothing you have ever witnessed before. The sheer anger that is boiling inside of him due to having to put his bag on his lap would put Gordon Ramsey to shame. Not only that, once the arsehole has moved his bag, he proceeds to spread his legs so wide as to take up one and a half seats so you end up perched on the edge of yours. It's almost like he is pretending he has a massive cock and is incapable of closing his legs. In fact, the biggest cock around here is him.

  • The stinky food eater
    Not so long ago I was sat next to a lady on the train. She was quite unassuming, but it turned out she had really bad train etiquette. This is one of the weirdest things I have witnessed. She reached into her bag and pulled out a spoon and a tub of peanut butter. She then proceeded to spoon the aforementioned stinky-as-shit product into her mouth. A few spoonfuls later, the spoon and peanut butter went back into her bag, only to appear for an encore 5 minutes later. Maybe she was up the duff and had some kind of craving for peanuts, I'm not sure. In any case, the train carriage absolutely stank the whole way home.

  • The fare dodger
    These guys are funny. They spend most of their time on the train in the toilets or scouring the carriage for conductors. You can see them sweating because they haven't been able to afford the £3.50 to get to Kings Lynn as they spent it last night on a can of Special Brew or two. I've seen them jump off trains, obviously not at their intended destinations and then run up the platform to get on a different carriage so as to avoid being caught by the ticket checker. These people are scumbags and probably deserve a good beating.

  • The "no room for my bike" cyclist.
    Please note, I am an ex-"full-size bike on the train" annoying son-of-a-bitch. There is nothing worse than having a full-size bike and trying to get it on a completely jam-packed train. In fact, I've been bollocked a number of times and told that I can't get one which ended up with me cycling the 38 miles home. I once gave a lady in a skirt a temporary tattoo with my bike. I'm not sure that the "chain on the calf" was exactly what she wanted, but hey, I thought it looked really cool. If I was ever to get myself a tattoo, I think a bike chain on the calf would be my ink of choice.

  • The "I have to walk the whole train to find a solitary seat" weirdo
    Sometimes I'll sit there in the morning, watching "Antisocial Jim", wandering up and down multiple carriages in search of the ultimate prize... the double empty seat. Yes, this pointless exercise is all in aid of finding a seat where they don't have to sit next to someone. Not sure exactly why they do this, as, by the time they get to the next station, someone else has sat next to them anyway.

  • The "I'm so deaf that everyone can hear my music"
    Back in the 80's (yes I'm old enough), Sony created the "Walkman". Some people called this the "Personal Stereo", but it appears that the modern day personal stereo is far from personal. I am really not interested in hearing a shit tinny version of whatever it is you are listening to on Spotify, especially if it's Justin Beiber. Why not either get some proper headphones that don't leak your "ripping beatz" into the aural receptors of every Tom, Dick and Harry within a 20m radius, or turn the fecking thing down a bit? I guess it's a vicious circle, the deafer you get from your cheap ear-buds, the louder you have your tunez.

  • The "I don't even need no 'effin headphones" cock
    And then there's the absolute cockwomble who goes that one stage further and does away completely with any kind of personal music and just pops his phone on full whack with his chavvy buddies and subject the whole of the carriage to a barrage of shit tunes. Quite often a gentleman of an older persuasion will pipe up and say "Excuse me jolly youths, would you mind so much as to reduce the volume of your music", to which the usual reply is, "Fuck off grandad".

  • The, "I'm going to allow my luggage to roll all over the place"
    This kind of person was witnessed by myself recently. She had an enormous wheeled suitcase that she wouldn't put in the baggage rack and insisted on holding onto it. One single lapse of concentration though and the thing rolled off down the aisle like that food trolley in the aeroplane scene of "The Day After Tomorrow". It's a pity that it didn't bash into one of the loud music cocks from above. Suitcases as weapons sound like a good idea!

Thanks for reading another one of my attempts at observational bollocks

I would like to nominate the ever avoiding @misterakpan (again, come on brother, sort it out) and also, well why not, @LLFarms.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it


Images from pixabay

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Goes without saying, these are why i avoid trains.
Quick solution, torch the train when you alight

Welcome to Comedy Open Mic. Happy to have you here!

😯 oh, I’m not funny though! Lol... I’ll do my best.

Also, this makes me glad I live in the middle of nowhere and do not have to deal with public transportation... but peanut butter is a stinky food? Huh, never thought of it as stinky 😂

Damn, that's a lot of people to hate.

Hence I guess the ever increasing rise in cunts


These posts all fit together in a magical puzzle of wisdom and humor that only you can see... or is it just a world of cunts you see?


Magical cunts


Caring Understanding Nineties Types

This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

Ahh shit. I think I may have been both The keyboard basher & The "no room for my bike" cyclist, on more than one occasion. Things are different up north though, we also have the 'I'm going to throw my chips round the train passenger' and the 'I'm such a chav I'm gonna grope my girlfriend in front of you on a sunday morning at 11am passenger'. My favorite tho, I was guilty of this not long ago, is the 'I haven't slept yet coming back from a rave and swigging vodka at 6 am passenger' Me and my friend were universally hated by all the commuters that day ;-)

Thanks for posting something really funny and something I relate with everyday.

I think you covered them all.

Here is one more from the other side of the Atlantic:

I really liked your write-up! Should edit it down a little shorter if it's an actual stand-up bit but it's a funny read! Wish that I could see some pictures of these actual people!

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On the passenger train, in addition to a lot of strange body odor, there are also many farts that make us faint,
Ha ha thank you for sharing laughter

hahaha this is awesome; so funny! I used to take a bus in Vancouver, Canada and it's the same shite, different view here too :) One early morning (about 5am), this lady as usual, decided to share her sausage rolls with her friends (they all were loud chewers and talked the whole time while eating), but this particular time they reacted a bit differently, and the stink was a bit different too. Turns out she only had money for "smokes", so she substituted a can of tuna instead of sausage in her oh-so-disgusting rolls. 5 am!!

i have rode on a few rush hour trains and tube journeys at peak hours while in England. The tight packed crowd in various forms of holding on to things. and the silence. to be so close to so many people not talking crammed in the same tin can. wow...and if you try to say something....all eyes of disdain on you.... breaking the painful reality of their coffee sweat daily grind.
i enjoyed your observations @markangeltrueman

You'd love the trains in China! So many train wankers here!

Blaring music out of one of those little portable speakers (or even worse straight from a phone) is one of the most annoying things that people can do in public. In a train is bad enough. When this happens outside in nature it makes me die inside.

Congratulations @markangeltrueman, was in @comedyopenmic's top 10 list this week. We hope to see more of your work.

A thouroughly enjoyable read, and relatable, on all levels. Here in melbourne, on the metro commute trains, it's a thing to stand in the doorway, regardless of how many stops away you are going, regardless of how many empty seats there are, regardless of how much carriage space there is inbetween the doors.
So, when getting on, or off the train, you have to squeeze through a clump of wankers, go get to a seat, or get off.
What's even more priceless, is the look you get from these wankers, as you push your way through them.

The fare dodgers are who annoy me ... especially the Paris Metro ... I'm at Gare du Nord .. .and I watch like 15 people jump turnstiles within 30 minutes ... yet the ticket checkers do nothing because they are afraid of getting beat up.