Comedy Open Mic Round #17 (Humour In Dysfunction... Run For Your Life)

Image by George Desipris from Pexels CC0

It is 10:15 pm, and you are reading in a class in school. Two hours until the power will be switched off, five hours till you give yourself a sleep break, and seven hours till you go back to the hostel to get prepared for school.

You are tired of the tasteless gum in your mouth, but it is all you have to keep you awake through the night’s reading, and so you are stuck with it or it is stuck on you. Either way is true.

You feel the urge to pee and you ignore it, not because you don’t need the break, but because you are reminded of the herculean task it is just to pee; first you have to unplug your rechargeable lamp from where it is plugged, then you have to whisper to your friend about your condition, hopefully she is also pressed, then you both go downstairs, flashing the light downwards in a way that it will not attract ‘them’, but it will still show you if there is a snake on the way, then you both look for a hidden corner to pull down your protective trouser and hurry through your easing process, then you try not to run as you hurry back upstairs to safety, locking the class door again.

No, that’s too much stress just to pee. It has to wait.

But nature must have its way, so you feel the urge again, this time harder.

You get up, and get your rechargeable lamp, and turn to where your friend (this is where the story changes) is supposed to be reading, but she is sleeping. Her face is so peaceful that it reminds you of your puppy back home, so you decide to brave the dark alone.

You get downstairs and flash the light the right way, hurrying up with your business as you murmur your mantra, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in You”, repeatedly.

You are almost back into the building, when someone speaks, “Sister, please kindly flash the light this way for me to see.”

A male voice.

The fear from the unexpected voice is disappears as you realize that if it were ‘them’, you would have received a slap by now, and they wouldn’t have used ‘please’ for anything.

But then you wonder what the man was doing in the dark, and so you flash the light his way, partly because he said please, and partly because you are curious.

You get to see why curiosity killed the cat.

For the next second, you can’t believe your eyes. Your brain and your eyes argue about what is before you, but your eyes win, and your brain gives your legs an order for flight.

As you run back to the class, you realize that on a normal day, you would have laughed, but at this instant, there is nothing funny about a naked man bending at his waist, holding his butt cheeks apart, and showing you his butthole.

Nothing funny.

Breathing heavily, you relate your experience to the others in the class whose heart had flown to the heavens at the thought that you ran back because of ‘them’.

You erratic heart slowly calms down as they laugh at you, and then you see the humour in the story, but you ask, ‘Why?’

Why was a grown man showing me his butthole, why?

‘Them’ (First Year)

The way you know that they are active is by seeing incomplete, or unexplainable wears on the walkway; one leg of a pair of shoes, which tells you that the owner decided that life or other belongings was better than the shoe or you see a scarf which tells you that it was dropped while the owner was in top speed, running towards safety.

'Them'

Your first experience of 'them'... You are in a tutorial class being taught by a senior student who tells you and other classmates that he has the secret to excelling in school. Of course you believe him; you are in your first year. Besides his dancing eyes humour you when you cease to understand what he says, but you were taught not to laugh at albinos. So you keep a straight face.

Then you hear the gunshot.

You look at the direction it came from and decide to leave the class, but the tutor speaks, “Calm down, it’s nothing. We have to finish this topic.”

The last thing on your mind is the molecular structure of sugars. You just want to get out. A few students leave, but you sit down, and listen until another shot is heard. This time you notice that the eyes of the tutor are more erratic, and he has brought out a handkerchief to wipe off sweat.

You read between the lines, made more obvious by your astigmatic eyes.

By the time the third shot is heard, you are walking towards the hostel, your friend in tow.

You take a longer route to avoid the battle, with sprinting in between the journey, as the crowd leads. You and your friend decide to rest and eat some fruits for hydration. You had just taken a bite when another gunshot is heard. Without thinking, you run in the opposite direction. You are about forty feet from the cashew tree when you remember that you left your friend still plucking.

You turn to find her also look back, shouting, “Joy, where are you?”

“Ada, see me here,” you shout back. I am at the front,”

You laugh at the surprise on her face when she turns to see you.

The thing is, you weigh about two hundred pounds, whereas Ada weighs about a hundred and twenty. Somehow, she had expected that you’d be behind, because of your weight. If only she knew that your weight ran ahead of you, and you had to meet up with it.

Well you both get to the hostel, safe.

That day Ada learned never to underestimate you.

This was in your first year.

'Them' (Fourth Year)

You are done with school. You have defended your thesis, you have finished your exams, your bags are packed to tell the godforsaken school goodbye, but you have to wait, because your supervisor is not yet available to collect the hardcopy of your written thesis.

Most of the students have gone home, making the remaining few prone to attacks from ‘them’, so it became a case of the hunter and the hunted as ‘they’ observed, during the day, who was still in the environment and available for attack.

So even though you had no exam to study for, you still go to ‘read’ in the school, through the night, lest you get a visit from them in your room.

Until one day, luck runs out on you. The school authority decides that only the medical students would be allowed to read in the school, as they had their professional exams coming up. The rest of you were done and should go home.

The problem is that you were told this at the gate of the school, and you have to walk through the darkness back to your hostel, which is off the campus. As you approach the part of greatest danger, you switch off your lamp, and think of what to do.

Anything could happen in the dark.

You could be robbed, you could be raped, you could be killed, or the three could happen one after the other.

You wait a while at the hostel gate, wondering what to do, then… eureka!

You reasoned that if someone was waiting in ambush for an unsuspecting victim - you - and saw someone - still you - running as though being chased, the natural reaction would be one of fear, wonder or both, and before the person recovers, you would have gotten to your destination.

So once again, you decide to run.

On your marks! Set! Go!

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You run with all your might, you weight going before you, as usual, and you murmur again, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in you.”

You spend the rest of the night hoping they don’t visit you.

They don’t.

The End?

Few days later, you pack your bags and leave thanking God for surviving the school.

Few weeks later, the results are out and you realize that you have to go back for an extra year. What follows the pain of failure is the realization that you will be doing another year of running… Oh no!

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This was written for the Comedy Open Mic Contest, as I was nominated by @warpedpoetic. I, in turn, nominate @chinyerevivian and @seesladen to join the fun.

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Djoi Writes