“Knock, Knock”

You ever been on a crowded escalator with a bunch of people in front and behind you and there’s just as many people on the other escalator going the opposite direction, you look down at the platform where there’s a line of people waiting to enter the thing, some looking like they got down syndrome, others like they need a shower and whatever other crude judgments you can quickly assess and then it finally clicks: “all these idiots think they’re smarter than me?!”

_Pixabay

I hate it when the public toilet air hand dryers suck, blow, whatever and they don’t have a paper towel option to dry my hands. Or when there is a paper towel option but it’s empty. Or when the air hand dryer is way too close to the urinal and dude’s pissing at it. Who thought it was a good idea to put the only hand dryer a foot away from the pisser? Even the urinals have more distance between them than some of these hand dryers that suck, blow, whatever.

Ever wonder who’s doing some of the pissing in these urinals, fellas? I’m not the only who’s spotted pubes the length of an edamame in the bowl of these frikkin things—no way! Who’s pissing in these things, livestock?? We’ve all seen them, I never even knew they could get that long. Do Sasquatch piss in these things on the weekends or what?

You ever had a magazine or pamphlet in your hand and, while reading it, you use your thumb and index finger to zoom in on it like you do your phone? What about a public place like a dinner menu at a restaurant or the diagnosis at the counter of the auto repair joint, ever tried to zoom in on one of those? Yeah, me either.

I used to have a phone that misspelled phone all the time, “phoBe,” stupid phoNe. I don’t think a phone can be trusted if it can’t spell phoNe. Or maybe autocorrect isn’t who we think it is.

You know you’re getting old when the only concerts you’ll go to anymore are the ones with seats. Or, when you hurt back going to bed—not by waking up or sleeping on it wrong, just by laying down and you throw your whole back out and now you can’t lay down or get up. Good lucking with the Z’s.

Next time you’re at a medical facility and they ask you if you’re allergic to any medications, say weed. Everyone in the office gets a good laugh out of it when you tell them “it makes my eyes red, see” and point to your eyes.

You know you’re stoned when you load the bowl and forget to hit it but don’t realize you forgot to hit it until you return to the pipe like ‘hmm.. 🤔 I guess I never hit it?’ That’s super-stoned. Super—that reminds me...

Retirement home, a bunch of old timers—both women and men who can hardly take care of themselves anymore. Some have more severe dementia than others. Little old lady is wandering up and down the halls flashing everyone she sees, each time she lifts her dress, her eyes light up and she gets a huge smile on her face as she announces “super kitty!” Flashes someone, “super kitty!” Flash someone else, “super kitty!!” The next old man minding his business, trying to read the sports page upside down and backwards, up goes her dress again, she’s within inches of him and, a big huge smile as she announces loud and clear, “super kitty!!” Old man says “I’ll take the soup!!!! Gimme the soooouup!”

I don’t wait around too long for people when I go people watching because if there’s nothing to look at fairly quickly, I know I’m the one being watched.

You ever have a problem buying the same toilet paper twice? It seems like they change the quilted print every week or something. Every time I go down that aisle it’s a dilemma, sometimes I didn’t mind the paper so much, sometimes I didn’t appreciate it whatsoever but it doesn’t matter because I can never seem to buy the same one twice.

You know you’re addicted to your phone when you have to pee really bad so you rush home, fight the keys to get in the house while trying not to piss yourself. You rush inside, pants are unbuttoned by the time the front door closes behind you and you take off in a rush toward the toilet but stop by the wall charger to plug in your phone.

Or when you let your car insurance lapse but your phone still works—unlimited text, data, the whole bundle. Or how many of you have phone insurance but no health insurance? You know you’re addicted to your phone when you pay a monthly premium for phone repairs and your own repairs aren’t in the budget.

Or you used a mobile app on your phone to schedule a haircut and, when you walk inside, you’re greeted by the girl at the front counter, “hello, did you call in?” Your response, “no, I used my phone.”

How about when losing your wallet is the better option if you had to part with either your wallet or your phone? Or the screen time feature terrifies you and you have it disabled right now (not mine, though, nah...), you might be addicted to your phone.

Autocorrect can be a real prick sometimes, too, A-i my A-hole. Sometimes I think there’s a group of kids back there earning extra credit points or something showing off their hacking abilities like “placebo.” My phone typed placebo once when I meant to say place—that looks really weird. “Eh, meet me at that new dinner placebo on the corner of Fiction and Brown Me” when what you meant to say is “Eh, meet me at the new dinner place on the corner of Fraction and Browning.”

I recently overheard my wife telling a girlfriend of hers about a new book she needs to read, keep in mind, both of these women are college educated and, they’re both English professors, true #story. Pura told her friend “it’s part of a trilogy” to which her friend asked, “how many is there?” Pura said “tri-trilogy, there’s three.” Her friend said “guess I don’t know the lingo.”

What do you say to the person working at the smoothie shop when you order a smoothie and they ask “do you want anything to drink with that?”

My wife FaceTimed her mother the other day. I heard the iPad ring, you know how the FaceTime ring is different than the actual ring-ring. Her mom answered the phone, they’re face to face and I can hear the whole conversation because it’s FaceTime. My wife’s happy her mother answered the phone and, across the computer speakers my wife says, “hi, good morning!” Her mom said, “hi. Am I on speaker?”

My wife says some funny things sometimes. What makes it extra funny is she’s Summa Cum Laude at San Francisco University which means she graduated and earned her four year degree with a grade point average of 3.9865—yup, she did that! Can you believe she married me?! Not sure what they’re teaching in the Bay Area. 🤔 She hates it when I brag about her like that but 3.9865 is my favorite number now—period. As I was saying.. She says some #funny things sometimes and I hope she doesn’t mind if I share a couple of them with you.

I don’t watch hockey and that’s probably why I think this next one is extra funny and, if you don’t think it’s funny, I must not have explained it thoroughly. Ok, so the Chicago Blackhawks are a professional hockey team in Chicago, USA. We’re at a crowded bar in Las Vegas and I jokingly laughed “Blackhawks” out loud a few times and realized how funny it sounded like “uh.. nobody thought about that, nobody said ‘Black.Hawks’ out loud or what?!” But my wife didn’t get it. I’m saying “Blackhawks” amongst this loud, drunken, Las Vegas crowd and, with each “Blackhawk” my voice raises an octave. Black... Hawks....” “get it, Black?” ...”Hawks?” And she’s repeating it back to me, “Black... Hawks” and her voice is raising octaves as well but she doesn’t get it. You can imagine who sounded like an idiot trying to explain himself on that one. Black... never mind. We didn’t draw attention to ourselves or anything.

We were on my buddy Thyle’s boat shortly before we left the states, last year, it was probably around October or November. He’s got a nice fishing boat, the kind with a cabin down below, a sink, head, it’s a nice ocean boat. We were trolling through the harbor and he told us how “last week there was a shark attack right here.” Ok, that’s insane, really, because you rarely ever hear about shark attacks in California but rather than ask “is everyone ok?” Or, “what kind of shark was it?” Both very reasonable responses to that statement in my opinion. My knock-out of a wife who’s without a doubt the hottest chick in the whole harbor that day or, any day, the same one who maintained that 3.9865 for four years at a major University in San Francisco I was telling you about says “a human shark attack?”

Ok, I got one more and then I’m out of here, thanks for stickin around, I hope you got a few laughs—one more, ready?!

Screw’em if they don’t swallow—wait! That didn’t come out right—and, neither did that. That was the wrong one, that one might not go over well on this platform—forget I said that. Ok, this is the last one.

I’m commuting home from work one day, this is probably four or five years ago with my cousin, Jaru. I’m receiving an incoming phone call from a number I don’t recognize. I answered, “hello?” Dude on the other line is saying “let me talk to Susan, look, I know she’s there, don’t tell me she isn’t, just put her on the phone!” I’m trying to tell the guy, “Eh, you got the wrong number.” He doesn’t believe me and keeps going on about how he just wants to talk to Susan and he’ll be quick and yata yata yata. I told him again, “you got the wrong number” and hung up the phone. My phone rings again—same number, my cousin, another witty mind says, “oh you gotta F with him now.” :light bulb:

I answered my phone again, “Yooo??” Same dude on the other end, this time he’s pissed talking about I better not hang up on him and I better put Susan on the phone because he knows where I live and Bla Bla Bla a bunch of nonsense—poor’fa king guy. “Look, I tried to be nice the first time, stop calling me, Susan’s getting it on with my cousin in the other room right now and I’m next!” :click:

Tuesday
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