Comedy Open Mic - Round 37 - Winners' post

in comedyopenmic •  9 months ago 

We're continuing with the new format. Let us know if you like it.

Firstly, please look at our logo:


Thank you to @gnarlyanimations for designing our new logo

It is here for two reasons, firstly it's pretty gnarly. Secondly the reason which came first is that it hides who the jester is. As do these words because they will show up on your screen so we're trying not to give it away.

This week's nominations for Court Jester are:

The Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest Court Jester for Round 36:



This is Steemit. People spend a lot of time writing posts, comments and replies. Far more than is healthy. Indeed, any serious Steemian has worked well into the night, on numerous occasions, in the hopes that this time, things will be different (the very definition of 'insanity').

That this time, some bastard whale will happen upon your post, have an epiphany about your brilliance and drop a $250 upvote. That, of course, would set off a feeding frenzy of auto-upvotes, at least 1% of which would be worth more than $0.01. Within a week, half the whales on Steemit would be curating your creations and be begging for an autograph.

This is called delusion and is caused by delirium... which is caused by prolonged sleep-deprivation and general fatigue.

If you're like me, your personality changes when you're sleep deprived. Some people become irritable and short-tempered. Others, like me, become silly. Even stupid. Our IQ's plummet and we begin to giggle. No longer deep-throated, viking-like guffaws ... but honest-to-god little-girl giggling. Giggles turn into grins. Snickering becomes snorts and, before long, you're cackling, chortling, teeheeing and heehawing.

And what is so amusing?

You are.

You see, you've become a comedic genius. And so, you pour yourself a glass of Merlot to celebrate. And, you think to yourself, "God, if people only knew what they were missing out on." And hence, motivated by a generosity of spirit, you decide to share your newfound charisma with the world.

There's a part of your brain, though, trying to waive you off, screaming, "JUST GO TO BED!"

But that's the un-charismatic you: The one who concocts one logical plan after another in an effort to bump your payouts from $4.00 to $40.00. As such schemes unfailingly end up yielding less than a dollar ... and a loss of a half-dozen followers ... the charismatic you would be well within his rights to demand, "What does he know?"

And so, in that spirit, the charismatic me shares with you a few of his finer foibles, plumbed from the depths of delirium and the bottom of a bottle of Merlot.

1. @D-Pend's Poetry ... A Commenting Strategy

I am a poet and so is my good buddy, @d-pend. D-pend is an extraordinarily gifted linguist, in both poetry and prose, but he is famous, or infamous, for writing ... obliquely.

Reading d-pend requires a level of d-ciphering that would impress CIA code-breakers. It's like decrypting the Rosetta Stone ... only harder. But, that's the challenge, and there's a payoff when you're successful. Nevertheless, from time to time, I razz him about it.

d-pend d-picted by the Egyptians - Wikipedia

Regulars on his blog have become accustomed to the friendly torment: Quill and d-pend just bullshitting each other. But sometimes a newcomer drops in (usually a good looking girl), doesn't know the background and, inevitably ... takes his side because he's "sensitive and complicated" while I'm a "bastard and a bully."

Case in point:

https://steemit.com/philosophy/@d-pend/what-is-the-best-way-to-move-forward-when-faced-with-dissension-within-a-community

Comment by taliakerch (64) (on d-pend's post)

it's YOUR style;)
even prose is written in your special manner;)
you're one the few people here whom I can't read without a translator;))
you develop me, thank you;)
Human beings are creatures who need movement forward, constant movement to the top, otherwise, if we stop, it's not just a pause, it can be longlasting stagnation and downgrade.
So, yes, I'm For dissensions if they lead to evolution, changes for better and inner growth.
Agreements often hide absence of a desire to move on and do something, it's better to keep silent and have peace, but in fact, it can be not a peaceful river but a swamp.
btw, is it your photo at last? very nice!
about the point of the post: dissension is really a way of motivation for further development and inner growth.


Well for Heaven's sake ... that bolded line was catnip.


Reply by quillfire (54)

@taliakerch
you're one the few people here whom I can't read without a translator 
You and me both, sister. 
I've spoken English for 50 years as a first language ... and I'm a poet. And yet, I never know what Daniel's talking about. 
But I have, nevertheless, come up with a strategy for leaving great comments on his posts (which are mostly poems). Daniel's all about complexity. He revels in confusing people so badly that they'll need to seek professional counseling. 
USE THAT AGAINST HIM!
Here's a stanza from his most recent poem: 
Reprise of fate and fantasy,
reflections of what cannot be—
elation-knotted tombs of lovers' hands
demanding symphonies be scoured.
 
What the Hell does that mean? 
Now amateurs would throw themselves helplessly against this impenetrable wall of words ... but not you. Like me ... you're now a pro. 
Instead of focusing on words and phrases like, "Elation-knotted tombs" ... you focus on words that he can't contort into Cuneiform-Era Ancient Anglo-Saxon no matter how hard he tries. Look below: 
Reprise of fate and fantasy,
reflections of what cannot
be
elation-knotted tombs of lovers' hands
demanding symphonies be scoured.
 
"Of," "and" "be." 
Now be creative. 
"Oh, @d-pend, I'm awed by your masterful use of prepositions. You know who else used those selfsame prepositions ... Shakespeare!" 
Any comparison to Shakespeare will automatically make ALL poets pee in their pants. 
Now, you turn up the heat. You type the word "prepositions" into Wikipedia and then start copy-pasting words you've never heard of. And then ... you hit him with a word salad of superlatives from which it will take him a week to recover: 


"Your use of adpositions, both prepositional and postpositional, is both unrivaled and unparalleled. The way you use them to express spatial and temporal relations and the marking of semantic roles ... kudos, sir, kudos!  
I think I even detected a hint of circumposition while definitely reveling in your clever deployment of ambiposition, inposition and interposition. You are a linguist extraordinaire."
100% upvote every time. 
Quill


Well ... I thought it was funny (remember what I explained about delirium and Merlot). 

On average, men speak 7,000 words per day. Women, 20,000. To survive such a tsunami of syllables, men learn, at a relatively early age, to filter out 2/3 of what women say. It's all about tone. Some tones you can safely ignore, whiles others rightly set off alarm bells. And, honing such intuition is critical because women, though small, are vindictive.

In any event, Talia was having none of it. Note her tone.


Reply by taliakerch (64)

hmm..

Gentlemen ... every one of you knows what that means. The proverbial 'calm before the storm.' She's gathering herself, like a Hurricane named Bertha about to go verbal.

thank you for "advice". Rather cute.
I respect people with good sense of humour and their own position, but in this very case I can't and I actually don't want to share your mood and this type of irony about Daniel's creativity.

Oh Geese.

Yes, his style is very specific and not anyone can get it, it's not just poetry, but even a real puzzle, both in word choice and sense of poems.

"Not anyone can get it" ... agreed.

But these very peculiarities have made him Unique, his style can be found among hundreds of other poems, and it's his victory. How he has reached such results, it's his own choice and his own right, and actually His own way of thinking and perception of this world.
Neither you, nor me or anybody else can judge him for this. It's He, and His right to be Himself.
Many men - many minds. 
I hope, you agree with me.


Notice all the capitalized "H's" ... as if that bugger was a deity or something. Anyway, you'd think, like I did, that my old buddy, His Highness, would ride to the rescue, right?

"No, no, dear Talia, you misunderstand. Me and Quill ... we're Ol' Mates."

The aforementioned was a hypothetical quote that did not happen. Quite coincidentally, d-pend chose this exact moment in time to "take a hiatus from commenting ... a retreat from rigor, a time for rest and reflection."

Asshole.

So, after a couple of days of dangling in the wind, I decided I'd better try to save myself.


Reply by quillfire (54)

@taliakerch,
You misunderstand my intent. Daniel and I are good friends and we're both poets. Every once in a while, we engage in a little guy trash-talking. It's all just good-natured sport. I guarantee, he won't be offended. To the contrary, when he sees it, he'll probably laugh himself silly. 
I appreciate you sticking up for him, though. 
But remember ... boys will be boys. This is how we bond. (I know, it doesn't make any sense.) 
Quill


Now, sufficiently rested for the rigors of commenting, d-pend returns and ... upvotes all the comments and replies.


Reply by taliakerch (64)

ahh, are you friends??:)) then it's ok;) I like such kind of sarcastic communication, that is how I communicate with my close relatives and friends;)


2. Triangulation, Feathers & Booze

@insideoutlet periodically hosts a contest on her blog called, "What Is It?" She zooms in, takes a picture of 'a part of the whole' and everyone's supposed to guess what 'it' is.

I'd participated in several of these contests and had failed miserably each time. My losing strategy included always guessing 'anemones,' as this was my guess in the first contest, and I didn't want to miss out in case the answer, someday, actually was 'anemones.' 

By the time the contest which is the subject of this commentary rolled around, I'd lost any hope of ever winning, but, as I enjoyed the interaction, I continued to play. Anyway, I clicked on the post in question and ... no images. Depending upon the time of day, this was becoming a regular frustration (it still is) ... and, late in the evening (when I'm fatigued and armed with Merlot) tends to be worst.

Of course, if these images weren't downloading, than neither would others on other blogs. A lesser man would have taken this as a sign, shut down his computer and gone to bed. But I was tired and a half-glass invested.  

Comment by quillfire (54)

@insideoutlet
Beethoven wrote "Ode to Joy" while being stone-cold deaf so the images not downloading ought not hurt my chances of winning a Contest designed to identify a visual image. And, since "seeing the images" in past Contests didn't do me any good, perhaps "not seeing them" will actually help my chances. 
When the world gives you Lemon Zest [the prior contest's answer] ... you make Lemonade. 
So, how will I approach this seemingly daunting task? 
Triangulation. 
As a soldier, we would locate our position on a map by pointing our compass at a landmark, say a mountain top, and then plotting the reverse azimuth (drawing on the map a line with the reverse angle) from the landmark. Do this three times on three different landmarks and you end up with a triangle of intersecting lines. You are somewhere inside the triangle. 
The more reverse azimuths you add, the more you reduce the area where you could be standing. This is actually how GPS works. 
So, how will I apply triangulation to this Contest? 
I'll use my fellow Steemians guesses as "landmarks" and work back towards an object that possesses the common features of all.

BTW, this is what the Contest Prompt looked like:

So, what looks like: 
  1. @viking-ventures' "feather of Galah"
  2. @thekichenfairy's [it was supposed to be 'approximately one' guess/person] "feather," "rag doll hair," "wool," "threat" (presumably "thread"), a tassel from either a "curtain" or a "school hat," "skirt," "messy icing," "buttercream," "ladies hat from the 1960's" ... or a "winter hat" ... or a "whatever hat." And, of course, after last week's debacle, the highly primed and on-all-of-our-minds ... "lemon skin" - or what some people, with a proclivity for the pedantic, call, "Lemon Zest."
  3. @apanamamama's (who, apparently, is a mother living in Panama, if that helps) "flamingo"
  4. @dollarsandsense's "boa"
  5. @bmj's "Donald Trump's latest spray tan; and  
  6. @anutu's "pink make-up brush."
For those of you who played last week ... it would be a bitter pill to swallow if it turned out to be 'sauerkraut,' wouldn't it? 
Presuming that it's not, what? 
All the guesses seem to infer "a something feathery" or "a something made of fibers" and whatever it is, is pinkish in color. 
@thekitchenfairy also mentioned "messy icing" and "buttercream." I'm going to write off these two guesses and simply presume that the aforementioned had had a few drinks and that, by this time, the drinks finally hit her. (Which, given the failure rate of this game, is probably not a bad strategy to consider.) 
And so, given a bit of Googling and deep thinking, I have narrowed it to a single object. I can now say, with great confidence, that it is: 
Lady Gaga in her pajamas.

And ... that's how it's done. Don't feel bad, I was a trained professional.

Quill


This, perhaps unsurprisingly, initiated more than a few Replies. Here's my favorite thread:


Comment by thekitchenfairy (62)

hahaha I WAS drinking my gosh i made typos every where hahah not just on insideoutlet blog other friends' too haha 

Reply by quillfire (54)

@thekitchenfairy,
I WAS drinking
Well cheers to that ... you were my muse. "Behind Every Great Man, There is ... a Drunk Woman!" :-) 
Quill

Reply by lynncoyle1 (60)

hahahaha rule no.1 ... no drinking and commenting. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about; I hope it's just too far back for people to bother scrolling to! This shite is here forever :)

Reply by quillfire (54)

@lynncoyle1
Lynn, you can always claim that your account was hacked. That's my plan. I might even claim that you hacked it. 
You know, if this is not a "drinking game," it ought to be. Indeed, @insideoutlet ... there's a germ of an idea, n'est pas? Encourage your participants to get lit up on Tequila and have them post their best guesses, replete with rationale ... on video! 
TRENDING ... with no bidbots! Cha-ching. And, it would honorable, as it would comply with the Central Premise that: "Content Shall Be Compensated Commensurate With Its Quality." Who wouldn't want to see Lynn slur her words into the sublime? 
"Quill was right!!! It's an anemmy ... a eminy ... YOU KNOW ... an enemy. Not ... AN ENEMY. You know what ... it's also a flower. It's true. Pretty. Hey ... that would have made a good Spelling Bee question. Did you know I used to be a teacher? It's true. Do you think I'm pretty?"

Performance Art ... with sincerity. I'd be willing to sell something substantial just to raise money to power up an upvote. Who needs SMT's when you've got Lynn and a bottle of The Captain?
Quill

Reply by quillfire (54)

@lynncolyle1 & @insideoutlet
That last comment got me thinking.
It's not easy what we do. Coming back, week after week, in the near certain knowledge that, whatever we guess, will be wrong. It takes a certain amount gumption to carry on, to sally forth into the fray, to suffer the slings and arrows of life's outrageous fortune. 
We're the "risk-takers and history-makers." 
Here is a Spec Ad I created for Sagamore Whiskey, a distillery owned by Kevin Plank, the founder of Under Armour. It struck me as being apropos. I say we start a petition to get Plank to sponsor this Contest. He could distribute some free bottles of his fancy-ass rye whiskey as rewards for good, albeit wrong, guesses. 
How say you? 
Quill

Risk-Takers & History-Makers

Are called they fools, they break the rules,
Stay not within the lines,
Defy the gods to beat the odds,
Let not the norms define.

They roll the dice and pay the price,
They double down on fate,
They draw their swords and march towards,
Great battles that await.

And by their blades is history made,
Like noble knights of lore,
The great risk-takers ... and history-makers,
Their spirit ... Sagamore.

Quill

Reply by lynncoyle1 (60)

I'm sorry I'm a little behind on the comments (Captain Obvious here), but as you know, I've been dealing with snakes, geckos, a kitten and one fat cat ... and a little mayo too :) 
"Quill was right!!! It's an anemmy ... a eminy ... YOU KNOW ... an enemy. Not ... AN ENEMY. You know what ... it's also a flower. It's true. Pretty. Hey ... that would have made a good Spelling Bee question. Did you know I used to be a teacher? It's true. Do you think I'm pretty?" 
Now I'm the one LOL'ing :) "Do you think I'm pretty?" just sent me over the edge!! :) Thanks for the laugh Quill! Performance art with sincerity. Count me in! :)

Reply by quillfire (54)

@lynncoyle1
Once I started chuckling at that line ... I couldn't stop ... on and off for hours. BTW, I upvoted your comment, then unvoted, because it bumped it above my Sagamore Whiskey comment. Everything makes more sense as originally ordered. So ... if you want your penny back, make another comment on my whiskey comment ... and it's yours!

Reply by lynncoyle1 (60)

Bribing me with pennies now? Don't you think I'm pretty? :)

Reply by quillfire (54)

@lynncoyle1
Darling ... you're worth at least a nickel. 
Quill


3. If I Were Elected President

It is midterm election season in the US and I guess that's what inspired this next bit of baloney. As you'll see, the whole thing started off on @lynncoyle's blog but then migrated over to @ecoinstant's. 

Comment by quillfire (54)

@ecoinstant Alex, it's funny you should bring up voting as just yesterday I was discussing what I would do first, if elected President. 
From a post by @lynncoyle1 
https://steemit.com/travel/@lynncoyle1/a-fish-monger-and-his-dog-in-playa-del-carmen-0a1a4e5ffa905est

Comment by puravidaville (54)

Yes!!! Love this song. Mrs. @lynncoyle1 you nailed it. Thanks for the random song of delight pumping shiny happiness into our afternoon :). Who doesn’t love R.E.M.?

Reply by @lynncoyle1 (60)

You're most welcome!! And only weirdos, that's who! 😂

Reply by @quillfire (54)

@lynncoyle1
I was just on your Garden of Eden post (Day 8) where I promised to visit a more recent post and upvote a comment to ensure you got your just rewards (it's only $0.01, but it's the thought that counts). 
And so, I arrived at this post looking for a good comment to upvote. I came across this one. And, Lynn ... am I ever glad that I did. 
Given my penchant for politics, people have often asked, "So, what would be the first thing you'd do if elected President?" 
My answer has always been the same: "Assemble the Pacific Fleet and call in a MASSIVE airstrike on wherever Yoko Ono happened to be at the moment." 
After having watched this video, for the first time in my life, I am revising my answer: "I will have the CIA organize a reunion for Happy Shiny People, ensuring that Yoko Ono is a guest performer ... and call in a MASSIVE airstrike.

A MASSIVE Airstrike.

"For those of you inclined to say, "Quill, aren't you being a bit draconian," I advise you to actually watch the aforementioned Happy Shiny People video, and then invest a few more moments of your life, understanding you will never get them back, in the following: 

It has been suggested to me, rather sarcastically, that this is what "real poets" sound like. That Yoko was dramatizing a woman in the throes of orgasmic pleasure. 
I have counter-suggested that if one is ever with a woman who sounds like that in the midst of carnal delight, to call the local priest and have him conduct an exorcism. 
QUILL For President
"I'm taking them out"

Quill

Reply by puravidaville (54)

I have no words for that poem. Apparently, neither did she 🤷🏼♀️ “Quill for Prez”!!!

Reply by quillfire (54)

<>blockquote>@puravidaville, Here's an interesting philosophical question to ponder. Who deserves an ass-kicking more: 
1.) Yoko Ono for delivering that atrocious yowling performance; 
2.) The museum that invited her to make that atrocious yowling performance; or 
3.) The morons in the audience that applauded and cheered following that atrocious yowling performance? 
Mentally taxing, isn't it?
"Art is subjective."
"She's a 'thought leader.'"
"Society needs to contemplate the ineffable."
And people wonder why the Majority don't like the "Culturally Left" ... and why we still need B52's. :-) 
Anyway, here's a favorite bit by Bill Burr that at least demonstrates that I'm not alone in my disdain for stupidity. Enjoy: 
Quill

Reply by puravidaville (54)

Haha… 1. Bill Burr is great! One of my favorite comedians hands down. 2. The morons that watched her performance, let alone paid for it, need a good kick to the groin.


And so, there you have it: Burnout burnished by booze.

If this post makes it to $25.00, I will create another. If it doesn't ... I will still probably create another. 

It's all part of my latest plan.

You guys know the drill. Be verbose ... but articulate.

And remember ...

Go Love A Starving Poet

For God's sake ... they're starving!


The remaining prizes will be announced in the comment under this post. Please laugh generously.

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Round 38 is now under way so remember to put in your entries, upvote our contestants and share the laughs all over steemit and beyond!!

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Excellent results and congratulations to the winners!

Congratulations to the winners! Thank you @comedyopenmic

@comedyopenmic,

This is a wonderful initiative and I am honored by the honor.

And now, I am about to click on the hyperlinks of those Round 37 Winners and go have a good laugh. A great way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Thanks again guys.

Quill

Congratulations to the winners, well done

So....comedyopenmic is Canadian? Asking since there is the logo lol

Where Love lives

Your new follower says, great post .. @comedyopenmic

Congrats to the winners! 😀

Let's ask, what is Steem worth today?

giphy-2.gif

Your posts have been coming across my desk (screen) for some time, and I am just getting around to checking it out in depth. Be forewarned- you have a new contestant ;)

Hi @comedyopenmic!

Your post was upvoted by @steem-ua, new Steem dApp, using UserAuthority for algorithmic post curation!
Your UA account score is currently 5.794 which ranks you at #391 across all Steem accounts.
Your rank has improved 1 places in the last three days (old rank 392).

In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 253 contributions, your post is ranked at #42.

Evaluation of your UA score:
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Feel free to join our @steem-ua Discord server

Congratulations! Your post has been selected as a daily Steemit truffle! It is listed on rank 3 of all contributions awarded today. You can find the TOP DAILY TRUFFLE PICKS HERE.

I upvoted your contribution because to my mind your post is at least 10 SBD worth and should receive 252 votes. It's now up to the lovely Steemit community to make this come true.

I am TrufflePig, an Artificial Intelligence Bot that helps minnows and content curators using Machine Learning. If you are curious how I select content, you can find an explanation here!

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