Comedy Open Mic Round #37 The Twelve Pubs of Christmas

It is that time of year again when the date is set for the twelve pubs of christmas. This event has overtaken St Patricks day as the best day of the year in Ireland. The date is set just before christmas usually around the 21st and 22nd so that people are finished up in work for the holidays or have flown home from whereever they have been living. There is a reason why it is not held later also. One doesn't like any missing people on Christmas eve or Christmas day.
The rules of twelve pubs have been evolving over the years. The general rule is everyone has to wear a christmas jumper. The next rule is that you spend a half an hour in each pub and drink at least 1 alcoholic drink. More than 1 is very brave. There is a natural leader or captain of each group. He or she is the timekeeper that makes sure we are keeping to the schedule and obeying the other rules. In one pub you MUST do a shot of some poison or other. The objective of 12 pubs of Christmas is to get to the 12th pub. The photo above was taken at the first pub in Clonmel Ireland. There were 35 of us. Il give you 1 guess on who the Santa was....... Correct.
If you reach the 12th pub there is a sensation of
bragging right for a year. Social standing in Irish males is all based on the pub they reached the year before.
What's Trevor like as a person?
He only reached the 5th pub. Not reliable

Over the years there has been more rules added to the list to spice things up a bit. These rules make things a lot more interesting. Let us now take a look at our rules for each pub in 2017.

Pub 1. Team Bonding. No phones allowed. Anyone seen using a phone will get a shot of sambuca off the Captain.
Pub 2. You cannot touch your own drink which means someone has to help you.
Pub 3. You must sit down but not on an iteam of furniture.
Pub 4. You must speak in a foreign accent.
Pub 5. The silent pub. Noone is allowed speak. Even when ordering.This is great in a pub that is dead quiet.
Pub 6. Hug a Stranger. If you don't get a stranger to hug you then there is a shot of whiskey going your way.
Pub 7. The barman’s name is Guinness. ie Can I have a pint of Bud please Guinness? If the barman serves you a Guinness and a bud, you have to drink them.
Pub 8. Drink in the toilet pub. Hard with 35 people especially 11 girls.
Pub 9. Change shoes with another group member. Nothing like a pair of PVC boots on a 27 year old fly half.
Pub 10. Nearly there now. This is the shots pub. Everyone has a shot. This clears the weak hands.
Pub 11. Anyone swears then there is a shot of vodka to consume.
Pub 12. You have made it. Now drink your 12th drink in peace.

Out of the 35 that started last year , 8 brave soldiers made it to pub twelve. Some with the girls boots still on. Now when I say made it, they were there in spirit. It takes a well seasoned drinker to do 11 pints and 1 shot over the course of 6 hours. If you don't believe me , try it. The next day we normally ring around and make sure everyone is still alive and functioning properly. There were 4 on the missing list which is not bad for 38 people drinking themselves into all kinds of trouble.
Jason one of the scruffy Cork lads on the trail was nowhere to be found so we were a bit concerned. We put up a missing person poster of him on social media when noone knew of his whereabouts. He was found shortly after.

But there were 3 cringy embarrassing stories that year that pub the 12 pubs of christmas 2017 up on a pedetal for years to come. I still cringe in embarrassment at the 3 of these. These 3 stories are all true by the way and the answer is yes I do have some weird freaks as friends.

Maria (the blonde girl on the left of title photo) who started kissing a guy in pub 8. Maria woke up in the guys house only to walk downstairs to see his mother and father making breakfast for them. The fear was strong in Maria as she nibbled at the beautiful bacon his mother served up with a cross look on her face while the guys father was grinning like a chesire cat that his son got the ride!

A close second was John with a very similar set of circumstances to Maria. He actually took a girl home to his family home and while they were getting down to it , he for some reason decided to pour milk all over her. It was the closest liquid to hand he claimed. The girl was covered in milk in the family living room and his mother came down to see what the racket was. That was another quiet breakfast table the next morning.

But the winner and most embarrassing story was Robbie (back row 1st on right). Robbie is as mad as a bag of monkeys. He was just home from Austrailia. Irish mammy's are very close to their sons and as soon as he got home she was making a fuss but he dropped the bags and told his mammy that he will be back later as twelve pubs was calling. Now miraculously Robbie lasted the twelve pubs and carried on to the nightclub. Robbie was the worse for wear out of anyone I have ever seen in my life. He lasted until the nightclub was closing and then went to the toilet. I walked out of the club as the bouncers were rounding up the last of us but there was no sign of Robbie. So the nightclub closed and I just thought Robbie had slipped out and went home. Robbie woke up in the toilets of the nightclub an hour later and had to get out the window which set off the burgular alarm. That is not the end of this story however. Robbie's mother was letting out the dog for his morning widdle. She looked into her son's room but there was no sign of him. She left the dog out and pottered around worried. She then opened the curtains and what she saw will be etched in her retinas for the rest of her life. There was Robbie in the front garden on his knees. Head face down in the grass. Arse up in the air, jocks around his ankles and shit all over him. The families labrador who was left out minutes before for his morning pee was now licking Robbie's behind cleaning up his brown runny mess. His mother quickly hunted the dog away woke him up and ran the shower.
Look at the state of ya she said to him.
His sister who was out with us told us the whole story and Joan her mother wasn't in the better of it.
These 3 fallen hero's will be guests of honour at this years 12 pubs and there has been jumpers already made for each of them.

When I moved to Germany I was eager to bring the franchise to Essen. I lived in the neighbouring city of Dortmund at the time and a quick 20 minute train journey got me to the Irish bar in Ruttensheid Essen. One of the lads didn't really get the whole set up. Any excuse for a German to dress in drag.

Anyway I had hit down in Germany in September and soon realised that the German ale is alot stronger than our stuff in Ireland. So I was very disappointed on the 6th pub to realise that if I was to have another drink I would proberly die. So I swiftly made my exit to the train station to get the connection back to Dortmund. It was only 21:30 so trains were still running every 20 minutes. The train I usually got was the Dusseldorf to Hamm train. Essen and Dortmund were on route. I hopped on the train, snuggled into my wool jacket and kept my weekly rail card out on the table.

At 10:30 the next morning I woke up coming into Dusseldorf main station after been asleep the entire night going back and forth to Hamm. I reckon I arrived in Hamm around 6 times since boarding the train. My ticket was out so I was legal in the eyes of the German train attendants so they just let me sleep. The rocking had me in a deep sleep and I woke up as fresh as a daisy. I took a tour around Dusseldorf on the hop on and hop off and arrived back the irish pub Essen for 2pm.

I was so disappointed of my performance that I organised a twelve pubs of Easter. If we can celebrate the birth of Jesus then in my mind we can honour his death as well. 12 pubs of Easter in Frankfurt was a complete success and we didn't lose anyone. I made it to the 12th also.

I would like to nominate @balticbadger @dollarsandsense
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