A.N.Y. Questions... GO AWAY! Can't you see I'm trying to avoid you? (Question #5)

Question #5: Do you deliberately avoid anyone? Why?

A NEW YEAR (A.N.Y.), a new way question series:

On January first, I posted our first article in this series explaining a new way to approach New Year's resolutions. Each day we will explore a different question that challenges us to understand ourselves better. The format will be as follows: I will post the previous day's question with my answer followed by the next day's question for contemplation.

Here is my answer: Wow, after some serious contemplation on this question, it's safe to say I could be the poster child for avoidance. It has been my go-to strategy for dealing with difficult people and situations in my life. The first person I consciously avoided was my mother. Our relationship was so estranged that I eloped with my first husband and she didn’t find out until she saw the ring on my hand during a visit five months later. Our relationship was a tumultuous one; we spent a total of almost 5 years apart with no contact due to three separate altercations. I’m glad to say that those days are behind us. My mother and I have done some serious heart work in the last couple years and can now call each other friends. I attribute that healing to a few different modalities but especially the work I have done around the Law of Attraction and using the Emotional Freedom Technique.

I don’t have such a happy ending with my dad due to his violent paranoia and schizophrenia but I am feeling some peace. After I moved out, my contact with him was very sparse and our visits were extremely awkward. I made a decided choice to cut him out of my life when he had another one of his mental episodes; this time it included my two young boys. My mother and I had had a conversation about the possibility of my being molested in my early years and since my relationship with him was completely broken I didn’t rule him out. I couldn’t remember the incident, but I exhibited all the behaviors of someone who could have experienced that trauma. Well she decided to tell him our conversation and my dad lost it. He came over to my house and when I tried to explain what the conversation was about he marched down to the back bedroom where I had placed my two boys and started yelling at them. He terrified them when he threatened, to their faces, that he was going to take them away from their mother because, in his mind, I was a liar. I had put up with enough of those episodes in my youth and I told him quite plainly to leave my life and to never talk to me again. Eight years went by before he re-entered my life so he totally missed my boys, his only grandchildren, growing up. My feelings aren't resolved around my choice for I still hear the two angels on my shoulders talking; the red guy telling me that I was justified with cutting him out and the white guy telling me to show compassion for he is a broken, lonely old man. The red guy won out; we stayed away.

The absence was broken three years ago when he had reached out to his divorced wife of over 25 years, my mother, and wanted contact with us again. We were very shocked to receive the phone call and decided that maybe my dad had changed. Unfortunately that was not the case. He had hired a third party guardian to take care of his affairs and through a series of events he was quarantined in a hospital due to his unstable mental state. The only reason he had contacted us was to try and change his current situation for we were family; not sure what his ex-wife could do but with me being his daughter I could have, in his mind, provided some assistance. There wasn’t anything I could do to change the situation and it became readily apparent that he didn’t contact me to try and create a relationship; his motives were completely self-serving so there hasn't been any contact with him since that last visit. My mother has gone repeatedly to visit with him and it has helped her to heal the many wounds in her heart for my dad has mellowed considerably and has apologized for his abuse towards her. My boys have been to see him a couple times in the last year but the visits aren’t all that stimulating for my dad is now suffering the later stages of dementia. If he is not forgetting his teeth, he is forgetting his hearing aid and can’t participate in the conversations. The man I knew is deteriorating and at times he doesn’t even know who they are. I am still unresolved as to whether I will go and see him the next time I go back home. It is leaning more towards my going for it would bring some closure for me but I’m not making any promises. I have come to a good place in my life; I have looked at the pain his presence created and am still working through whatever comes up. I can now talk about those times openly and without anxiety or tears; peace is coming and to me, that is a complete victory. I have seven months to decide whether or not I need to take it any further and go see him.

There have been others that I have been avoiding and those are my extended family. I perceived myself to be the black sheep and never felt accepted or that I belonged. Recently with my introspection brought about from my study of the Law of Attraction, I came to realize that I held them all in a reality that was caused by the madness of my dad. That realization caused me to take a new look at them all differently and it dawned on me that I didn’t really know them. We have a family reunion this summer and I’m actually entertaining the idea of going. The last time I was with most of them was at a family funeral three years ago. Back then, I still had the same narrow warped perception of them so our interactions were still stunted and awkward. It should be interesting to see what the dynamics of this reunion will be now that I have my new perspective. I shall have to keep you all posted.

What about avoidance in public situations? I feel sometimes like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde when it comes to being in public. In one situation, I will look down on my phone when someone approaches me on the sidewalk or when I'm sitting in a waiting room or riding an elevator. In another, when I do feel confident, I do the exact opposite by smiling at the person walking by or I strike up a conversation with the nearest person to me. Why the polar approach? Is it a reflection of my inner feelings or is it a response to my environment? I tend to think that it has to do with my emotional state at the moment but I would love to hear your take on it.

And the hits just keep on rolling for my use of avoidance doesn't stop there; I have also used the silent treatment as a means of control in my romantic relationships as well. I would avoid any contact in a dramatic way with my significant other as a way to convey my message of displeasure; even if it took a full day or days. I would show them how much I was upset and they would have to come crawling back to me; that was the plan anyways. That didn't always give me the results I wanted so I started to look at my behavior. My first response is still the silent treatment when I have a strong emotional response but I am learning to handle that reaction better. I try to now take some time out for myself to get my thoughts straight and then later approach my hubby calmly to try and work it out. Let's just say it's still a work in progress but at least the periods of the silent treatment are lessening.

Wow, was this question ever an eye opener for me! Did this response resonate with you? I would love to hear your take on the question and how it impacted you. Please post your thoughts below.

Tomorrow's question:
Does life seem futile and hopeless to you? Response posted tomorrow.

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