12 Rules for Life (Jordan B. Peterson) - Rule 3

Rule 3 – Make Friends With People Who Want The Best For You

Sometimes when choosing friends, if a person has low self worth, or if they refuse to take responsibility for their own situations, they will become friends with someone similar to the type of person with whom they had troubles with in the past. They may not believe that they deserve to look for anyone better.

There are other reasons why people choose friends who aren't good for them, one being that they want to rescue someone. It could be that the wannabe rescuer is too agreeable or naive, or it could be that they are vain and narcissistic. Not all people in bad situations are victims, and some are merely exploiting a willing helper.

Maybe you want to help someone because you are a kind, generous person and you think it's the right thing to do. Or maybe, you just want the attention of being compassionate and good-willed. Maybe you even want to make yourself seem virtuous by positioning yourself alongside someone in a bad position. Assume first that you are doing the easiest thing, and not the most difficult.

Before helping someone, it's necessary to work out why they are in trouble in the first place. It's likely that given the difficulty of the upward trajectory, the individual has rejected it, rather than become the noble victim of unjust circumstances and exploitation. It's much easier to raise a person out of a ditch than a chasm. Some chasms are deep, and there's not much remaining of the person once they reach the bottom. Waiting until it's clear that the person is willing to be helped, that they want to improve, is the best approach.

If you have a friend whose friendship you would not recommend to others, why have their friendship yourself? You should be choosing friends whose lives would be improved if they saw your own circumstances improving, you are not morally obliged to support someone who is making the world a worse place. It's a good thing, not a selfish thing, to choose people who are good for you.

Surround yourself with people in support of your choice to take the upward path, they will encourage the good that you do and punish the bad. They will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness.

People who are not aiming up will do the opposite. When you dare aspire up, you reveal the promise of the future and the inadequacy of the present. This can disturb people, bringing to them an inner feeling that their own cynicism and immobility is unjustifiable.

It's not an easy thing to surround yourself with good healthy people instead of bad unhealthy people. Strength and daring are required to stand up near the ideal of a good, healthy person. Have some humility, and some courage. Use your judgement, and protect yourself against too-uncritical compassion and pity.

Make friends with people who want the best for you.