This post brought tears to my eyes. And I truly believe everything you said. I am going to open myself up to you and possibly the world. I have been trying to express these feelings for a long time but I did not have the words. I guess with the anonymity of the internet and that my family does not use this platform I have the courage to say something.

When I was 6 my male peers began raping and beating me. I believe that this was just done in dominance. I suppose this is because I was different due to my bright red hair. I think society does not like those that differ and will beat that difference into submission .

As my emotional state deteriorated to the point I was no longer able to compensate. I started to shut down emotionally and mentally. I now realize that this is the beginning of my depression as my brain was packing this all up to develop into PTSD much later. As my grades began to plummet as I no longer cared about life living friendship or love my step father began the verbal and physical beating, Causing me to further withdraw.

So l wound up in physically and emotionally abusive hetero relationships and even my first wife was a controlling manipulative person whom became physically violent. Again this is due to my not caring and being conditioned to be a punching bag.

I tried to assert that I was a real man. I boxed. I joined the Army. I became a firefighter and even brought a man back from the dead with my training. But all that did not give me the acceptance and love that I deep down craved.

When I turned 32 that wall that I had built to protect me from all of the pain and abuse started cracking and I was forced to deal with my depression and abuse. After many years of therapy psychiatric care and Love from my current wife. I am starting to trust others and learning to love.

I look forward to your post on masculinity.

Thank you.