Haunted by Dreams
'ello Steemians,
I'm going to apologise if this is getting in the realm of too personal during this deep reflection kind of post but I need to get it out. -Offers a glass of wine to anyone that would listen-
I'm not sure how common it is to remember our dreams for the average person or how easy it is to wield our dreams to our will. More often than not I tend not to remember my dreams and the ones I do remember often leaves me disturbed and haunted. It wasn't always the case, I remember back in my adolescence the dreams were happier, pleasant realities of what could be.
Now I'm an adult, feels like I just finished my bachelor's degree though in reality it's already been a year since then. Soon to start another academic journey for my Masters. I have been enduring the struggles of working full-time and haven't had significant a relationship for eleven years now? Suppose... I've been married to my work all this time. I would certainly admit there is no shortage of stresses.
I have heard dreams are a consolidation of memories and our experiences as we go through our day and it's a way of reviewing and storing them into long term memories. Every now and then we may dream of past memories. Revisiting some of my memories from past loved ones it’s sad, but I've heard our brain is revisiting these memories because while living them they brought happiness. During these rough times my subconscious as it were wants me to be happy. And supposedly from what I heard, these past loved ones were a bystander of that happiness. Maybe my subconscious wants me to find love and be happy. However, it's all bittersweet. Sometimes I wish I could forget these memories and not open up old wounds.
I'm still tortured by the dreams I still have of my first love, grade school sweethearts. Going away for college put a strain on our relationship and was like a wedge with how difficult it was for the both of us. Eventually we split up. So many of my fondest memories and much of my personal development was during grade school with that one relationship. Now I dream of what could have been and where they are right now in their life, their family that once had close ties to you, the new challenges they're taking on in their life. Long ago, thanks to social media it's sad to see soo many going on in their life. Time certainly doesn't wait for no one. I can't help but feel so stagnant while being so busy. Trying to reconnect with those from my past, it sounds wonderful. But so many can hardly spare the time to make meaningful connections. Maybe, myself included to some degree. Sometimes the past feels like a trap like a vicious angler. I want to forget it so bad, yet I want to throw away a future to relish it again.
Image from wehearit.com
Other nightmares I have might be from my regular weekly stresses and struggles. I don't know if it's common to many with full time jobs to have anxiety and sometimes nausea the eve before starting a new week back at work. Going through a mental checklist of tasks for the week that was left undone, what events to prepare for, what threats that can go wrong and mess up everything for the client. Being liable for so much and maybe the only one during the shift that has a chance to solve the issue. I could imagine these stresses leading to nightmares of zombie apocalypses that you can't seem to wake up from and a terror possibly in every corner.
Trailer from the game Alien Isolation, similar atmosphere to my terrors.
Or being in the middle of nuclear threat and you're the last remaining hope to stop an all out war ending our way of life. Again and again being in a scenario that you can potentially survive but one slip up it becomes an impossible scenario. Maybe it's my self doubt, people putting faith in me to rise to the occasion and I'm afraid of losing it all.
I really don't know what I have to do break this habit. I'm afraid it won't get easier and life will continue to bury me alive. Maybe I have to change my environment and meet new people but it hardly seems feasible. I wish I was more of a free spirit but instead I feel shackled in responsibility and a scale too much in one side to ever balance out.
Thank you for staying with me~~
Around your age I remember having two jobs plus the Masters projects and courses. Life was... dense, seemed complicated and yet I was full of energy and I could tackle anything. Enjoy your age, don't take life too seriously all the time!
I know it is cliché, but I wish I were 10-15 years younger but with the experience of today.
How were you able to stay full of energy, what was your routine to feel so confident?
I feel like I'm starting from the bottom and building myself up again. From finding out I had cancer to beating it. Making sure the monster can't get a foothold in my body again. Being in bed recovering was hard on the mind, so many thoughts hitting me when I'm vunerable. But I'm glad the worst part is over. Trying to tackle life again but with baby steps.
It really would be magical if we could go back with what we know. We'd all have paper wallets of Bitcoin ^.~
Ah, so sorry, I jumped to conclusions in my comment, didn't know of your health issues history... Thought you are just young and overwhelmed of the usual stuff in life.
That is the only thing we can do. And try to protect yourself of those bad thoughts. I'm not an expert, but there are the so-called anchors we can build in our minds to hold on to when we feel overwhelmed.
No worries, young people can get cancer too. No such thing as too old or too young with health. It's the cards we're dealt and try to play the best hand we can.
I still appreciate all you have to say @gadrian ^~^
Yeah, I know... I have my own set of health issues (some since birth, others struck later on when I was at the university). But when I read about your issues or hear about the problems others have, I feel ashamed I sometimes complain about mine, which aren't (when kept under control) life-threatening.
-hugs-
Health issues can be consuming. I'm sorry they creeped up on you too. Hopefully our monsters can be kept at Bay and not affect us seriously again. I take comfort of being surrounded by good people. It helps look past all the bad stuff. Would be better to spend more time with more good people in person.
As a sort of an expert when it comes to dreams I want to touch up on that first. Dreams are more than just memory consolidation, it's also one of the most direct ways our body and subconscious mind has to communicate with us. Sometimes it can be a bit too symbolic. Stress and life challenges can manifest as nightmares. I do have frequent nightmares, but as a lucid dreamer I can sometimes influence the dreams depending on my level of lucidity.
I don't know what's it like to have a full-time job with salary, but I have been doing freelance almost full-time with no holidays. It can get stressful. It can be troubling when there is no salary. Every bit of work earns you money, but every moment you don't do anything you don't earn anything. As a full-time freelancer breaks comes at a cost and a competitive environment where you are not always guaranteed work. When I was studying I had stopped work for months because I knew my limits and knew I couldn't do both at once. Nowadays, I try to expand my knowledge by studying without accumulating official certifications and degrees. That way I get to learn and lessen the pressure. Some people perform better with pressure, but not me.
Having health issues can be troubling. People go through hardships and losses in their own way may it be cancer, break up, loved one passing away etc. I have my fair share of health issue that are potentially life-threatening, but I am happy that I'm in a stable relationship through it all even if my significant other has passed away. Our relationship has always been beyond physical so I can say I'm lucky in that it still continues. I can no longer see or touch her, but she's always there. Sometimes I can hear her thoughts and she comes to me in my dreams. For the moment I settled for that and try to make the best of it.
I know I can improve my life if I take the steps, but I lack the motivated to do things and choose to stay stagnant. Maybe you can take the steps to improve yours even if it starts off slow.
I feel like I'm starting from the bottom and building myself up again. It's that way. Every day. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is uncertain. Every day is starting over again. Every day a precious gift. Take a deep breathe in the morning, say a word of thanks and be grateful for the chance to climb the ladder of life again and again.
For further reading see the book entitled:
"Hope for the flowers"
https://archive.org/stream/HOPEFORTHEFLOWERS/HOPE%20FOR%20THE%20FLOWERS_djvu.txt
Definitely humbling words to remember and not take for granted. Thank you for sharing the book @spozone I'll certainly check it out during my evening readings.
It's a cute read with illustrations... That might not be the best source. I think you can find a PDF of it for free. I'm lazy