This Morning Depression Came Knocking
So, this morning I found myself at a too familiar place. A place that I don’t like to visit. A place that sort of just creeps up on me. I found myself depressed. Now for those of you that don’t know anything about depression let me just inform you that it’s not something that you can easily just “snap yourself” out of. Everyone has their own expressions or opinions about what it feels like, for me it just feels like I’m heavy. It feels like no matter what I do it’s difficult and all I want to do is nothing at all. This of course leads to feeling even more useless and because of the type of person I am, that really doesn’t sit well with me. I’m also stubborn and have never really appreciated being controlled by anything or anyone.
I should be on medication so that the ups and downs don’t hit me so hard. Problem is I just can’t bring myself to take them. I hated the way the pills made me feel. Sure, at times the feeling of being numb is a welcomed relief, but I just couldn’t handle the feeling that my mind was being controlled and changed artificially. I don’t want to have to go through my life feeling numb. Granted this is a very sensitive topic for me. I grew up with a mother who has battled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for years. In fact, in order for her to just get through the day she has a box with at least twenty different pills that she swallows each day. One for the anxiety, one so that she can sleep, one so that she can function, one so that she….. Each feeling and side effect is managed by taking more pills. I just didn’t want that for myself. I honestly don’t have anything against people who choose that option, I just couldn’t.
So, what do I do then? Well I allow myself to feel the way that I am feeling and I search high and low for something that can help pick me up a bit again. I think about what could be the reason and I pick it apart bit by bit and try to rationalize what it is that I am feeling. I also try to manage it by making sure I am supplementing with the correct vitamins and minerals, but that’s a post for another day. The other thing I like to do is try and find something uplifting, inspiring, happy, funny, sad or profound to read. I like to look to others for inspiration and grounding. Today I came across this quote and it really helped me pull myself up and feel a little less heavy and bit lighter. So, I thought I’d share it here so that it can maybe help someone else:
“When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued.” – Julia Margaret Cameron
It helped me realize that I have lost my focus and stumbled back into a place where I’m allowing my worth to be decided by others. Now that I have uncovered this I can focus on getting back on track. I can focus on the fact that my worth is determined by me.
Thank you for reading and remember to keep smiling 😄
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Somehow... "upvoting" this post felt wrong, as it almost represented that I was supporting what you are feeling and - naturally I do not!
Depression, anxiety and all of the above mentioned... run rife in my family. I know I have mild depression issues... and although I take natural calmatives and mood enhancers, I REFUSE point blank to even consider chemicals... as I have seen what this has done to my one brother who suffers from severe depression....
so... for me.. wine lol - I know this is not a solution, and on days when I do over indulge I am left feeling worse than ever - and I am probably LEAST equipped to deal with that because if my natural tendencies... but that's me... and it helps me to some degree to not hate myself and my life so much.
I know you will understand that it is not that you actually hate your life and your circumstances... it is merely the pit which you are dragged into.
I am very pleased to see that you too, despite how you are/have been feeling - retain a positive outlook....
That @jusipassetti.... will take you a lot further than you think hon.
MUCH love to you!!!! and SUPER SIZED HUGS!!!!
This was just such an amazing comment to read @jaynie and I appreciate your kind and honest words immensely. Yes it can be tough and trust me I've turned to quite few bottles of vodka in my time. And yes sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't but heck whatever.
Big hugs back and again thank you for being you. Your posts help me in more ways than you could ever know.
Any time hon!!! ANY TIME!!!! And I mean that.... unless of course I am having an off day too... in which case, we can just either ignore one another or have a vodka and a wine together... hehehehe ;)
Haha yes that sounds like a good plan.
It's true... upvoting this post somehow feels 'wrong.' But @jusipassetti imma do it anyway to show you my support. Hang in there all right <3 Hugs... We'll be here for you.
Best, Debs
Thank you @deborism. I truly appreciate the support.
I really enjoyed reading your article, thank you for being so open with your depression with us here in the community. Depression is something that almost everyone struggles with so you're not alone. I would advise that do your best to tackle that illness head on opposed to relying on pills. Years ago my mom struggled as well and like your mom, she was reliant on different medications to get her through the day, it controlled her life =/ Thankfully she was able to get off the medication and now she is happy. God bless you and I hope things get better. If you ever need to talk about anything I'm here :)
Beautifully said @nick.visco!
Thank you very much @nick.visco. I definetly believe that the pills just make it worse. I am very happy to hear that your mother was able to wean herself off, sadly my mom won't. I appreciate your support.
I know what that pit you can fall into feels like. And I know it's a different experience for everyone but it's definitely never a great one. I've felt that heaviness, and not wanting to do anything because it just seem SO hard. But those are only thoughts that will pass away, it's temporary. And you will get through that!
Not sure if you can in any way relate to this quote or if I'm any help. Just know that you're not alone and the sky will clear up :) If you need anyone to talk I'm here to listen.
Thank you very much for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it and this quote is so true. We can cloud our minds with negative self talk so easily. I will remember this analogy going forward.
First, I'd like to send a big, squishy virtual hug to you. Darling, you are beautiful and a lovely soul and just hold on to these words for a while. Say, 'I love myself' and 'I am happy' a few times and just fake a smile. C'mon do it and now very slowly bring your attention to the present moment. Each time your mind wanders off in thought, return it to the present by using your breath or the mantra I told you. Please do it consistently and you'll feel better. This is what I do every time I feel depression taking over me and it helps me. Love and light.
Thank you so much for the hug and the advice @sharoonyasir. I will definetly keep this in mind and practice.
I feel this. I'm on a really low dose of anti psychotics and anti-depressants. I feel fine, happy and able to control my life but as soon as I come off them I start to feel the all too familiar knot of anxiety in my stomach. I hate it :/
I'd love to be pill free like you though! I hate having to take my daily concoction of pills!
That's something positive to take away from this - that I'm wishing I was more like you! I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear, because there's me trying to decide your worth for you, but I expect that you're an awesomely inspiring individual.
I expect if you look back and think of all the people you've touched in a positive way -- you'd have a heart full of awesomeness :)
I have been deeply moved and touched by everyone's words of encouragement. It amazes me how supportive this community is and I have never experienced this level of support in my day to day life with people I've known my whole life.
We all need to find what works for us and it sounds like you have so don't sell yourself short for it.
Thank you for your honesty and support. I really appreciate it and I will have all these words of encouragement to look back on when ever I need to.
Hi @raymondspeaks, please consider meditation as it is an awesome tool which will eventually heal you totally. I am a depression survivor, wrote a post on this subject in response to dear @jusipassetti's post. @ericvancewalton wrote an excellent little book on meditation called The Perfect Pause, he also is a depression survivor!
Go well and please try meditation, I survived because of that.
Oh dear jusi, I travelled this road many years ago. Also could not understand it as I'm always the one to see the silver lining in any situation. I went the chemical route, it was about 3 years after my brother's suicide, I know now that's what drove him to it!
So I was lucky the doc found the correct medication for me, but when they stopped manufacturing this particular unique antidepressant, I refused to go on another type.
I learned transcendental meditation, the best gift ever, but you can learn any other technique of meditation, google different methods, dr Oz has a very good method which I found online a while back! Want to do a post on meditation still, but I urge you to consider it, only 15 min a day is enough and you will start healing. @ericvancewalton has written an excellent little book on the amazing benefits of meditation.
You are approaching this correctly, will be out of that dark pit one day soon, and don't listen to people telling you to 'snap' out of it, they simply do not understand this. You take care and remember you can talk to me anytime if you're feeling lost :)
Thank you very much for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it and appreciate your honesty and openness in the reply above. I will definetly look into meditation. I've always battled to quiet my mind so I'm sure the meditation will help.
I am all-too-familiar with feelings like that, as well as anxiety. I will definitely be interested in reading your post about vitamins/minerals and depression! I wish the BEST OF LUCK to you in getting back on track! 😊
Thanks for the hugs @thekittygirl I really appreciate it.
I think most people have been where you are at some point in their lives. The only way out of this is by focusing on that which you do have and being very aware of your thoughts. Think positive thoughts, and when you feel you're slipping into the negative, distract yourself by admiring something beautiful, patting your dog or cat, and get your thoughts back to the positive and most importantly always be grateful for what you do have. You have to become very aware of thoughts, because our thoughts turn into beliefs and this creates our reality. So change your thoughts and your reality will also change. I wish you well and hope to see you back here very soon with with a new found enthusiasm for life and new inspiration. Love to to always!
Thank you @claudiaz for the love and support. I truly appreciate it and I'm always trying to be mindful of my thoughts as I know they can be so powerful.
Ditto to everything @jaynie said!
Well, almost everything - I've done the medication merry-go-round a few times for my anxiety/depression, and in fact I'm in the process of coming off the latest chemical attempt (after 6 months and 30 pounds of weight gain... * sigh * ).
Have you ever seen this video before?
"I had a black dog, his name was depression"
I think you have the, "I also learned that being emotionally genuine and authentic to those who are close to you, can be an absolute game changer." part nailed down!
Sending you oodles of "good focus" juju, and know that there are so many of us here who know what you're going through, and are only a click away if you need us!
This is how I'm picturing you right now...
via GIPHY
Oh, and since my VP is ridiculously teeny... tip!
omg!!! what an amazing VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn't it? A friend and fellow black dog owner sent me the link ages ago, and it blew me away.
Oh, and when I went searching for the link, I found this, and almost cried from laughing so hard...
http://www.robot-hugs.com/depression-the-comic/
waahahahahahaha!!!! That made my morning @traciyork LOL! Apologies for the delayed reaction... I have been SOOOOOO bad at getting back to my comments the last few days... suppose I will have to go to the naughty corner lol
Yeppers, you totally should - and make sure you bring a juice box with you, in case you get thirsty in the naughty corner...LOL
via GIPHY
hahahaha you know it!!! ;)
Ah thank you @traciyork and I just love the penguin me. I appreciate the support and am humbled by how supportive our community is. I will definetly check out the video as I haven't seen it yet. Best of luck with coming off the meds, I'm sure it can be tough.
Thanks in return, @jusipassetti. Yeah, coming off is no picnic, but I've done this a few times over the past dozen or so years, so I know what to expect.
The friend who sent me the link to the video ages ago, also sent me this (same person who did the comic I just shared with @jaynie above). I love this perspective, and it helps me be kinder to myself -
http://www.robot-hugs.com/helpful-advice/
Very good perspective. People can be cruel and just don't get it. I often find myself thinking, "sure thanks like I haven't tried that already," when they offer advice that is similar to the above.