(IJCH) "The Perfect Couple? Uh-Hum, Yeah Right..." (Sardonic Humor)
(IJCH) "The Perfect Couple? Uh-Hum, Yeah Right..." (Sardonic Humor)
IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (meaning: My warped, personal opinions and musings)
From the Author:
Salutations.
I am JaiChai.
And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.
Background
Time: ~1:00pm
Place: Public Setting (Restaurant)
Context: Girlfriend with a Spoiled Attitude
Current Situation: My Filipina girlfriend and I were having lunch - a very, very quiet lunch - at a restaurant.
The reason for her silence?
My last remark about her latest request.
All I said was, "Your childish behavior - pouting because I refuse to immediately buy you another new cellphone, is beginning to get on my nerves."
In my mind, I was simply stating facts. But of course, my girlfriend didn't agree and (IMHO) was acting like a spoiled little child.
Then...
"The Perfect Couple" shows up (and the woman of the couple happens to be my girlfriend's best friend!).
Chronological Age Vs. Emotional Maturity
In spite of making generous allowances for cultural differences (i.e., the common disparity between a Filipina's chronological age vs. her emotional maturity), I was thoroughly fed up with my girlfriend's petulant, childlike behavior.
Believe me, there can be a huge disparity between how old they are and the level of maturity they display.
Most foreigners learn quickly that no matter what age a Filipina may be, she can act like a spoiled pre-teenager at the drop of a hat; and for reasons that only the Creator of the universe can understand.
Additionally, Filipinas have their own brand of the "Silent Treatment".
It's a kind of a "Mega-Immature Silent Treatment on Steroids" and can occur at anytime, anyplace and for any reason - and I mean ANY REASON at all!
They are experts at passive aggressive behavior and unfair power plays; purposefully hiding the reason from the one person (usually the Filipina's partner) that she deems responsible for her inner grief.
How fair is that?
Then for added effect, the silence is accompanied by the exaggeration or omission of normal daily duties and responsibilities - burnt or no dinner, growing piles of dirty laundry, changing the normal location of the offender's personal items, etc.
Operation Starfish
Sex is normally withheld.
But if it does happen, the foreign partner can expect "Operation Starfish", a sexual experience devoid of any feelings, responses, or reactions from the Filipina.
"Spread Eagle" and motionless, she looks and acts like a dead, desiccated starfish.
For days, the silent Filipina's actions, facial expressions, and body language convey hatred and/or disgust. Taken to the extreme, the Filipina can make the offending partner go nuts in no time!
In Tagalog this is called "Mag Tampo" or just "Tampo".
It's quite an amusing and confusing spectacle to see - as long as you're not on the receiving end of the Tampo Filipina.
What does a Tampo Filipina act and look like?
Well, the closest thing I can come up with is this:
Picture a sweet little brown, sexy woman who has suddenly morphed into a silent, head-spinning, green-goo-drooling anti-Christ that makes you truly believe that she wouldn't love anything better than to eat your sautéed liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!
Enter "The Perfect Couple" (Oh Boy)
Just when I was at my wits end and was ready to light into my girlfriend - public place or not - her friend and her friend's husband entered the restaurant, spotted us, waved and headed towards our table.
Oh Boy! Here comes "Mr. and Mrs. Perfect".
Shit! First this stupid argument with my girlfriend and now this?
I don't know if I can handle all this damn fun in a single day!
The couple's public banal blabber and goo-goo eyes stretches the limits of my patience and politeness. I mean, they're always touching each other and kissing - for no apparent reason except to irritate people like me!
Try as I might, I still couldn't mentally force our lunch dishes to arrive immediately.
And then it happened.
Damnit!
Of course, my girlfriend invites them to sit at our table.
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
Friendly Chit-Chat
I was tortured by the couple's monologue about things I couldn't care less about for the next 15 minutes.
And my girlfriend would kick my ankle under the table whenever I looked bored - or upon hearing more trivial nonsense, I rolled my eyes (which was about every 1 1/2 minutes).
Thank God our meals arrived.
And in spite of my girlfriend's insistence for them to stay at our table, the couple declined, saying, "We'll just let you two love birds have some privacy."
I shot them a fake smile that sincerely made my face hurt; earning me another sharp blow to my already bruised ankle.
Changing The Subject
As predicted, my girlfriend's habitual "deflection is the best defense", diversionary strategy was immediately deployed.
And I was so worn down by all the afternoon bullshit that I just remained silent and ate my food - while my girlfriend commenced to berate my "atrocious etiquette" towards the couple.
She always talks about how "perfect" they are - practically deifying both of them.
If I had recorded and transcribed her description of the couple, I could probably send it to the Pope as an authentic testimony for their canonizations!
"Are you even listening to me?" she said, with that "or else" tone in her voice.
"Oh give me a break! He's a self-righteous prick and she's a narcissistic bitch. Hell, they probably eat puppies for breakfast," I said, knowing full well that I'd probably pay dearly later.
"That's such a nasty thing to say about such nice people!"
"Oh you can't be serious! They want everyone to believe that they actually ride pristine unicorns, breathe in pure joy and fart rainbows! They're fuckin' hypocrites!"
"You're just jealous."
"Yeah right. And shaking a plate of jello doesn't look like a fat hooker on a cold night?!"
I didn't believe a word she said and vowed to prove it!
Meet Mr. Pessimist
It was then that the stubborn, annoying little man permanently lurking in the deep recesses of my mind called "Mr. Pessimist" decided to make an appearance.
He was now on a mission and refused to be ignored!
I could clearly hear him saying:
"Come on now. Unless they're on the short list for Sainthood, there's no way anyone's life is THAT PERFECT.
Seriously? A 'Perfect Relationship' between a mid-life crisis English teacher and an Ex-Street Girl?
Go head. Come on, you know you wan'na.
Do it! Vet them. Vet them good! Make them bark, bark like dogs! Besides, no one will ever know what you're up to except you and me, buddy."
And I have to admit, Mr. Pessimist's arguments appeared perfectly sound to me.
The End Result
Results after two solid days of digging?
What ugly "I never would've expected them to..."?
What shocking skeletons were in their closets?
What twisted rituals did they perform in ceremonial robes and various livestock?
What secret fetishes were discovered?
In three words: Zip, Nada, Nothing!
That's right, not so much as an unpaid parking ticket!
Damnit!
I need a drink! But any recreational drug will do at this point...
By JaiChai
(This is a revised version of: https://steemit.com/funny/@jaichai/mr-pessimist-and-the-perfect-couple)
Parting Shot
Thanks for stopping by.
About the Author
Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.
In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he performed high altitude, free-fall parachute jumps and hazardous diving ops in deep, open ocean water.
After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.
Since then, he's been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).
He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.
If you enjoyed my post, kindly: Upvote, Follow, Comment and Resteem.
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