Mr. Pessimist and The Perfect Couple

From the Author:

Salutations.

I am JaiChai.

And if I haven't had the pleasure to make your acquaintance, it's always nice to meet a fellow Steemian.

Public Setting. Girlfriend with an Attitude.

My Filipina girlfriend and I were having lunch - a very, very quiet lunch - at a restaurant the other day.

The reason for the silence was because we were quareling over her childish attitude.

In spite of making generous allowances for cultural differences (i.e., the common disparity between a Filipina's chronological age vs. her emotional maturity), I was thoroughly fed up with my girlfriend's petulant, childlike behavior.

More often than not, there can be a huge disparity between chronological age and the emotional maturity of Filipinas.

Most foreigners learn quickly that no matter what age a Filipina may be, she can act like a spoiled pre-teen at the drop of a hat; and for reasons that only the Creator of the universe can understand.

Additionally, Filipinas have their own brand of the "Silent Treatment". It's a kind of a "Mega-Immature Silent Treatment on Steroids" and can occur at anytime, anyplace and for any reason - and I mean ANY REASON at all!

They are experts at passive aggressive behavior and unfair power plays; purposefully hiding the reason from the one person (usually the Filipina's partner) that she deems responsible for her inner grief.

How fair is that?

Then for added effect, the silence is accompanied by the exaggeration or omission of normal daily duties and responsibilities - burnt or no dinner, growing piles of dirty laundry, changing the normal location of the offender's personal items, etc.

Operation Starfish

Sex is normally withheld. But if it does happen, the foreign partner can expect "Operation Starfish", a sexual experience devoid of any feelings, responses, or reactions from the Filipina. "Spread Eagle" and motionless, she looks and acts like a dead, dessicated starfish.

For days, the silent Filipina's actions, facial expressions, and body language convey hatred and/or disgust. Taken to the extreme, the Filipina can make the offending partner go nuts in no time! In Tagalog this is called "Mag Tampo" or simply "Tampo".

It's quite an amusing and confusing spectacle to see - as long as you're not on the receiving end of the Tampo Filipina.

What does a Tampo Filipina act and look like? Well, the closest thing I can come up with is this:

Picture a sweet little brown, sexy woman who has suddenly morphed into a silent, head-spinning, green-goo-drooling anti-Christ that makes you truly believe that she wouldn't love anything better than to eat your sautéed liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

That's a Tampo Filipina!

Enter The Perfect Couple

Just when I was at my wits end and was ready to light into my girlfriend - public place or not - her friend and her friend's husband entered the restaurant, spotted us, waved and headed towards our table.

"Oh Boy! Here comes "Mr. and Mrs. Perfect". Sh*t! First this stupid argument with my girlfriend and now this? I don't know if I can handle it their public banal blabber and goo-goo eyes - always touching each other and kissing (for no reason)," I thought; wishing that our lunch dishes would arrive soon.

Damnit! Of course my girlfriend invites them to sit at our table. Double Sh*t!

I was tortured by the couple's monologue about things I could care less about for the next 15 minutes. And my girlfriend would kick my ankle under the table whenever I looked bored - or upon hearing more trivial nonsense, rolled my eyes; which was about every 1 1/2 minutes.

Thank God our meals arrived and in spite of my girlfriend's insistence to stay at our table, the couple declined, saying, "We'll let you two love birds have some privacy."

I shot them a fake smile that made my face hurt - and earned me another sharp blow to my already bruised ankle.

As predicted, my girlfriend's habitual "deflection is the best defense" strategy was immediately deployed.

And I was so worn down by all the bullsh*t that afternoon that I just remained silent and ate my food; while my girlfriend berated my attrocious etiquette towards the couple and practically deified her friend and friend's husband.

If I had recorded and transcribed her description of the couple, I could send it to the Pope as authentic nominations for Sainthood!

I didn't believe a word she said and vowed to prove it.

Meet Mr. Pessimist

That stubborn, annoying little man permanently lurking in the deep recesses of my mind called "Mr. Pessimist" was on a mission and he would not be ignored.

"Come on now. Unless you're on the short list for Sainthood, there's no way anyone's life is that perfect," he whispered."

"Seriously? A perfect everything between a mid-life crises English teacher an Ex-Street Girl?"

He continued, "Go head. Come on, you know you wan'na. Do it! Vet them. Vet them good! Make them bark, bark like dogs! No one will know what you're up to except you and me, buddy."

Results after two solid days of digging?

What ugly "I never would've expected them to..."?

What shocking skeletons?

What twisted rituals?

What secret fetishes were discovered?

In three words: Zip, Nada, Nothing.

That's right, not so much as an unpaid parking ticket or old, overdue library book!

Damnit, I need a drink - but any other recreational drug will do at this point.

By JaiChai

Many thanks for reading my post. And if you enjoyed it, please: Upvote, Follow, Comment and Resteem. - JaiChai "My mind was a terrible thing to waste..."

About the Author

He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he freefall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water.

He spends his days on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.