(IJCH) How Dare She! (Out Of Desperation, I Learned How To Forgive...)

(IJCH) How Dare She! (Out Of Desperation, I Learned How To Forgive...)

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IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (meaning: My warped, personal opinions and musings)

From the Author:

Salutations.

I am JaiChai.

And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.

My Girlfriend Did it to Me Again!

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Here I am, at home waiting and wondering where she is, getting more furious by the minute.

Doesn’t she know that I hate waiting for anyone?

Doesn’t she know that it’s always a blatant act of disrespect to me when she’s late, especially late with no explanation?

How dare she do this to me! Who the Hell does she think she is!?

"I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!” This is it. It's time to throw in the towel - again.

Besides, I usually have no trouble finding a new girlfriend. It’s not that I am a walking chick magnet, it's just that it's never been too difficult for me.

I’ve learned how to turn on the charm, flash a smile, feign shyness, mimic body language, maneuver into some instantly bonding (and surprisingly intimate) conversation, listen intently, and presto-chango, a new lover is queued.

It was like clockwork.

As soon as the body language is reciprocated, I know I’ve found my next potential romance. The only question was if I stayed interested long enough and if there are no other distractions.

I really shouldn't be so upset right now?

I wonder why that is?

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It’s just that…well, I have to admit that I really love my girlfriend and I always miss her so badly when we’re apart.

I’ve been worried, angry, lonely, and depressed for the last four hours.

Why am I feeling so crappy?

Why do these situations - being left alone, feeling neglected, and unappreciated - always bring out the worst in me?

I wonder, could it be because of my past?

From early adolescence, starting relationships was a piece of cake. At 13 years old, I was an athletic, tanned Asian growing up in the land where brown skin and a fit body were - and still are - hot commodities, the United States.

But sustaining relationships was always a bigger challenge for me. Sooner or later, the grass always seemed greener.

The Ultimate Shape-Shifter

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I literally had a cast of characters, all neatly separated into their own "chameleon boxes".

I would change personalities, demeanors, languages, and sometimes, appearances - at will - to fit the particular situation or appeal to a particular feminine appetite.

In romance, I’d played (no, I’d “been”) all the roles imaginable, such as the hopeless romantic, the loyal best friend, the passionate artist, the playboy, the "angry at the world" bad boy, the traditional husband, the mystery man, the "open book", the intellectual, the athlete, the businessman, etc.

You name the type and I could produce an award-winning facsimile.

And with every new relationship I morphed into "the man of her dreams."

But none of these roles could sustain a relationship - or a marriage - for any substantial length of time.

Puzzling.

Why couldn’t I just be happy in a long-term relationship?

I thought I did everything right. I thought I’d checked all the required blocks; having almost all the qualifications to be, for them, "the catch of the century."

Love Nouveau

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In every relationship, getting to know and explore a new woman’s likes and dislikes was always an exciting journey for me.

It was new.

It was always like a great unread novel, an exciting adventure.

And the "lovey, dovey" stage was especially delicious.

The sparkle in her eyes, the gentle hand squeezes, the head on the shoulder, the sweet half-smiles, and the endless other intimacies between two lovers can be rather intoxicating; basically opening up your veins and mainlining pure dopamine!

Each new romance would affect me differently. Their effects as unique as each lover.

To be honest, I guess I loved being in love – kind of a "love addict", teetering on the fine line that separates romance and chivalry from the ugly practices of sexual predators.

Same Song, Different Lyrics

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Don’t get me wrong.

Through the years I have committed almost every adulthood faux pas possible.

I’ve been married three times, divorced three times, and honestly can’t count how many relationships I’ve had in between.

Of course, there was always a "rational and justifiable" reason for each break-up - too much time working away from home, infidelity, chronic patterns of neglect, loneliness , boredom, lies, financial irresponsibility, etc.

And in every case, I always ended up looking like the "good guy", the kind-hearted and sacrificing soul with the misfortune of getting matched with the wrong woman - again.

But after all these years and relationships, my own pattern was emerging.

Then it dawned on me.

Could it be that I’m the cause of all these relationship failures?

Time on My Hands

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After I retired from the military, my new life began.

Or so I thought…

For years, I kept as busy as though I was still working; basically, I'd over-schedule myself and do everything at a frenetic pace.

I’ve never stepped outside my own experience and tried to observe the current situation - until now.

I’m alone.

I’ve got a lot of time.

Why don’t I finally explore the real motivations, feelings, and fears behind my misery?

Hell, thinking about these things is already giving me a headache.

I wonder if there’s any beer in the fridge?

No, I shouldn’t.

It’s probably not a good idea. I’d only get more angry and depressed if I started drinking in this pathetic, bewildered state.

Oh screw it!

Just a couple beers to relax won’t hurt, right?……

…..O.K., I’ve inhaled a six-pack in the last two hours and what did it help? Zip. Nada. Nothing!.

I’m just now getting over another cycle of uncontrollable rage, depression , loneliness, and tears.

I’m really fed up with this.

Why do I feel so bad?

A less than Joyful Childhood Messes with the Mind

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I remember my childhood and it hurts.

I remember always being out of place in school - too young, too smart, too Asian, and so very lonely.

Racism was alive and well in New England during the 1960’s. And the discrimination in the Southern Florida area of the early 1970’s was worse. I was either ridiculed for my slanted eyes, or brown skin; or simply ignored, ""invisible" – grey - in a "black and white" world.

And I was fat.

Not just chubby or baby-fat cute, I was fat.

I blamed my parents.

In Asia, a fat child was a status symbol, a testimony to the assumed wealth of his parents, and looked upon favorably by all. But in the United States, fat children are stereotyped as being lazy, cowardly, comical, and stupid.

My parents just didn’t get it.

They acted like they didn’t care that I was ridiculed daily. I can’t count how many times I cried over being – as my mother would say – "husky". In fact, I can still remember dreading each new season of shopping for school clothes. I had to buy "husky" sizes. I was so ashamed that I would keep looking around the store to see if any of my friends were around before I went to the dressing rooms.

It wasn’t until I was nine or ten years old that I rebelled. I refused to eat whatever my parents made for dinner, choosing to prepare my own meals.

Of course, this led to a life-long battle over food choices with my parents. I’m sure I hurt their feelings many times. But I just couldn’t stand being the brunt of all the fat jokes at school and other unavoidable social situations.

Then I Discovered Sports and Fitness.

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I played tennis for 5-6 hours a day during my summer break. When I went back to school, half of my friends didn’t recognize me! I literally went from the nice, funny, fat kid to the kid that the girls in school would fawn over.

The girls, oh the girls! I’d never gotten so much attention before. They would sprint down alternate hallways to “accidentally” drop their books near me just to talk to me.

It was quite a big change to get used to.

Then another neat thing happened. The years I spent learning on my own paid off. I was placed in the smart kid’s "Gifted Program".

Funny story.

One day, after I got in trouble for the umpteenth time in school, my father told me I was going to a "special class" to meet my “special” needs. I thought I was going to the class for dumb kids. When I showed up for the Gifted Programs class, I was sure it was for stupid kids.

Most of the kids looked like geeks or retards. It wasn’t until the teacher approached me and explained the situation that I realized that all those weird-looking kids were geniuses - and now, me too, elite brainiacs.

So there I was, popular with the girls, a jock, and a geek. Perversely, I decided to complete my repertoire of roles and characters and befriended a lot of acid rock, pothead friends.

And surprisingly, no one batted an eye as I hung out with one group one week; then socialized with a totally different group during the next.

Sports, especially individual sports made me happy. I liked the idea of winning or losing by my own hand. I didn’t like to play sports where the outcome relied too much on other people - no matter how much the "team spirit" was supposed to make up for losing a game, meet, or match.

That’s why I naturally gravitated to cross country, wrestling and tennis. My prowess on the tennis court resulted in a lot of praise

Unlike my cohorts, I skipped the novice stage, going from beginner to tournament player in less than 8 months – without the aid of professional teaching lessons or a tournament coach. In spite of being self taught, I defeated many players that had much more tournament experience, expensive training and brand sponsorship.

Like everything else I considered important in my life - languages, art, science, psychology , relationships, etc., I learned better and faster by teaching myself.

Soon I garnered some of my own sponsorship from some national sports brands, youth sports programs and local tennis shops. They would give me free tennis rackets, shoes, and clothes - as long as I kept my USTA (United States Tennis Association) State rankings high enough.

That year, I call it my "tennis year", I just knew that my family would get me something related to my new-found athletic passion for Christmas.

On Christmas day, I eagerly opened each Christmas gift.

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But with each present, I realized that my parents didn’t have a clue what made me happy

I got clothes

I got socks

I got underwear

I got school supplies

Everything I got from my parents was totally unrelated to anything that I remotely liked, especially my current passion - tennis.

My heart sank lower and lower as I reached the end of the small pile of Christmas gifts. The last gift I unwrapped was from my older sister. We had always been close

And after this Christmas we would be much closer.

The rectangular box looked like all the rest of the boxes containing a shirt or pants. I didn’t open it with any enthusiasm. But then I saw what was inside. Framed behind a plastic front cover was a set of wrist bands and a headband, the kind I wore to keep sweat from my tennis racket grip and eyes when I played tennis.

That’s when I felt like my sister was the only person in my family - and the world - that loved me enough to know what I was all about.

A rush of bad feelings overwhelmed me. I spent the rest of the day hidden in the guest room’s closet because I didn’t want anyone to see me convulsing with waves of uncontrollable tears.

I hated Christmas time for the next 21 years.

It wasn’t until my second marriage that I learned to feel good about Christmas. My second wife went all out during the holiday season - Christmas lights on the house, baking cookies, dinner parties, Santa Claus photos for the kids, etc.

Her infectious joy during Christmas and New Year’s slowly taught me how to enjoy a little of the festive cheer.

Spending most of my life serving in the military in Asia has made it easier to deal with Christmas because most Asian countries aren’t Christian

If they did acknowledge Christmas, at all, it was to appease ex-pat and other foreigners - and also exploit their currency exchange rate advantage. For example, while I lived in Japan, Christmas was symbolized by expensive “Authentic Japanese gifts” and “Christmas cake”.

Another hurt from my childhood was neglectful and seemingly oblivious relatives.

They routinely did things that struck me as insensitive or just plain cruel.

One event that sticks clearly in my mind is when I finally got my driver’s license

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I was so excited.

I was driven by my sister to the DMV - Department of Motor Vehicles - examining facility. She told me to call her when I was finished for a ride back home.

“After today, I won’t have to beg for a ride from my parents or sister,” I thought.

I was totally prepared. The cursory physical exam, written test, and road skills assessment was a breeze. In a couple of short hours, I was the proud owner of my first Driver’s License.

In my mind, I could almost see the look on my girlfriend’s face when I drove up to her house that night for our movie date.

I called my sister to pick me up.

No answer.

During the next four hours I alternated calling my sister and my parents. If anyone did answer, the responses were the same, "…too busy to pick you up."

I felt alone, neglected, disappointed, and hurt again.

Screw it.

I quit calling and jogged in my Adidas tennis shoes the three and a half miles home, getting more furious with each step.

By the time I got home, it was dark. Everyone was already home!

What a raw deal!

It was supposed to be a special, happy day for me. Getting my first Driver’s License was a major accomplishment in my life; but no one even bothered to pick me up from the DMV facility!

I entered the house, keeping my composure just long enough to nonchalantly say that everything went well. Then I went to my room, grabbed a pillow from my bed and crouched in the corner of my closet.

In the darkness of my closet, I screamed and cried into a pillow for the next two hours.

When my Mom knocked on the door and asked if everything was O.K., I told her that I was just tired from the day’s events and simply needed to go to bed.

It was then that I realized that when it came to anything important to me, I couldn’t really count on anyone - not even my sister.

It was then that I vowed to prevent these situations from ever happening again by relying solely on myself. And from that point on, my independence and self-reliance became a fierce obsession.

I remember calling my girlfriend and canceling the movie date for that night. I told her I was sick. She believed me because my voice was so hoarse and my nose was still runny from the hours of violent crying.

Okay, enough pitiful, "woe is me" reminiscing.

I’ve got to get back in control.

There has to be something I can do right now.

No more tears.

It’s time to DO SOMETHING. It’s time to stop wasting any more time and energy.

I Know. I’ll Go Online! (Yeah, That's The Ticket!)

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Yeah, that’s it, I’ll Google the words: "Frustration, Anger, Jealousy, Sadness, and Depression."...

…What’s up with this?

In just about every article and reference - and there’s thousands on each subject, the word "forgiveness" keeps popping up as the recommended step toward overcoming sadness and healing.

Forgiveness ? Why? I’m the one that’s in the “right”, right?

My girlfriend is the one that is “wrong”, right? She’s the one who should be apologizing to me!

WTF?

Why do I always seem to get myself in this kind of predicament?

Do I really need to learn how to forgive?

$hit!

I can feel another wave of self-pity ready to swallow me up again.

Maintain, maintain, maintain control…I need to stay focused. I need to understand something about this “ forgiveness ” thing.

Let’s see.

Article after article explains that my anger, frustration, sadness, and loneliness IS OF MY OWN DOING? Huh?

I keep reading.

Really?

I have the power to learn from my present situation and grow from it?

Seriously?

What a freakin’ concept!

According to all the experts, regardless of who is right or wrong, without forgiveness, I’m the only one suffering!

That sucks.

Then I read: "What’s more important, being right or being happy?"

And it made me think.

For my own survival, I guess I must forgive; not for anyone else, BUT FOR ME.

If I don’t forgive my girlfriend - or anyone else that has wronged me in the past, I’m allowing another person to control me.

It made sense.

What’s the use of harboring anger, resentment, or jealousy? The only person I’m hurting is myself.

Besides, everyone who has wronged me in the past would probably continue on with their normal life - regardless of how I felt.

The past is past. Why am I letting myself hurt now from something that is done, finished, and over with - in the past?

The Traveling Monks

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There’s a story about the two traveling monks.

The two monks were supposed to avoid all intimate encounters with the opposite sex. As they came up to a stream, they see a beautiful princess in traditional royal attire.

Apparently, she was alone; running away from an abusive suitor that her parents had promised her hand in marriage to.

There were no bridges, boats, or rafts at the stream. The only way to get across the muddy waters was to wade through the muck.

The two monks approached the princess. After assessing the situation, the older monk humbly offered the princess a piggy-back ride across the stream.

The other monk watched in horror as his friend breached the "no contact with the opposite sex" rule.

After reaching the other side, the older monk bent down and gently let the princess dismount. The princess thanked the monk for the help and offered him a few gold coins.

The monk declined the offer; saying that the money would be better spent helping her get away from danger and a life of unhappiness.

For miles and hours the two monks walked in silence.

Suddenly, the younger monk blurted out, “You know we’re not supposed to touch women! Why did you do it?”

The older monk turned to the young monk and just said, “Friend, I made a choice; acted on the best choice I could think of at the time, then I put the princess down on the other side of the stream – many hours and many miles ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

Why am I still carrying past hurts into the present?

I think it’s time to do something just for me, to make me feel better now.

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Hmmm… Interesting.

Contrary to popular belief, I can forgive silently, remotely; that is, it’s not necessary to physically meet and say "I forgive you" to all the people I think should be forgiven in my life.

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What have I got to lose? Here goes...

"I now forgive. I quietly and sincerely forgive all the people I have allowed to hurt me in the past. I do this for me, not for the wrongdoers."

Feels weird to say that - even in my own mind. But I do it again and again.

Jeez, it still really feels weird.

It’s hard to do without hearing the cynic in me laughing his ass off!

I’m so used to carrying around my own, custom-made, invisible 65 pound backpack full of bad memories.

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It’s so familiar and so difficult to let go – no matter what my rational mind shouts.

But I know that I just have to let go. I can’t move forward until I let go of where I am now.

Ok. Here I go again…

"I now let go. I give myself the gift of forgiveness now. I forgive myself for being less that I’m capable of being. I forgive everyone else. I now know that everybody - myself included - is simply doing the best that they can with the knowledge and experience that they have."

Hmmmm...

Something feels different now.

Thinking back on my "Crying Christmas", I realize that my parents did what they thought was best. They were old-world Asians with a very different set of priorities in life.

They didn’t believe in wasting precious work or study time on sports , art, music, or anything that modern Americans consider recreation for “re-creation.”

My parents came from a poor background, so all they believed in was school and work. It wasn’t until they became wealthy and somewhat “Americanized” did they begin to indulge in leisure activities.

Now I understand and I forgive them.

In retrospect, I should’ve been grateful for having parents that could buy and give me Christmas presents while other children around the world had no food or shoes.

And I forgive myself for continuing to react like a hurt pre-adolescent whenever someone doesn’t know what I like.

No one, however close he or she may be, can be expected to read my mind.

Now I know that it’s my responsibility to express my likes and dislikes clearly until they are understood to those close to me.

I also have to accept that I will frequently meet with disagreements – and it’s okay.

It can always be different, better.

I will never stop being fiercely independent. But it’s different now.

Understanding a little about this trait’s foundation and contributing factors takes the desperate edginess away.

My independent nature is now a conscious, personal choice; not an unconscious, uncontrollable obsession.

We all make choices.

We act on the best choices we can think of. But unlike the monk, many of us carry things, heavy things, around with us from the past.

I must remind myself that it’s over - whatever ‘it’ is. I must get over it, telling myself, "That was then and this is now."

O.K. Let me try this again...

"It’s over. I choose to forgive. I have vividly re-experienced some past hurts buried in my psyche. I gave them their own space to be. I allowed them to run their due course. They are done. They can now move on. I let them go now."

That’s weird - a good kind of weird…

Hurtful memories from the past seem to pass easily, unharassed through my mind now evoking no negative feelings at all.

At most, I feel somewhat curious now.

Cool. Very cool.

I'm free!

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I can now recall them as an observer, not a participant now.

No more bad feelings, no more drama thinking about them.

Wow! It’s like magic! I feel so much lighter now.

I feel stronger now.

I can remember any/all hurtful memories without re-experiencing the past feelings of anger and resentment, abandonment or betrayal. I think I’m truly over it!

And it feels great - like a double oxytocin cocktail!

Woo-Hoo! So much positive energy!

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What’s that sound?

Oh, it’s my mobile phone SMS ringtone.

Thank God, it’s my girlfriend:

“Darling, I’m sorry. Be home soon. Miss you. Love…"

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By JaiChai

(This is a revised, edited version of: https://steemit.com/forgiveness/@jaichai/how-dare-she-out-of-desperation-i-learned-how-to-forgive)

Thanks for stopping by.

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About the Author

Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.

After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.

Since then, he's been a full-time, single father and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).

He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.

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"My mind was a terrible thing to waste..." - JaiChai