If you read this or this you will realize that I've been battling a lot with my creative process and with the meaning of art inside of my life. But I've also decided I should experiment a bit with what I can do in order to learn a bit more about myself.
When I was younger I used to draw eyes all the time. When I was in class, most of the times I didn't even take notes, I just drew a lot of weird stuff on my notebook. When I say weird I mean it. I keep my old notebooks and they look kind of disturbing for me now. And the things I loved to draw the most were eyes. They didn't look like real eyes though, they were just weird-sketchy looking. So when I decided to seriously learn how to draw, the first thing I practiced with was an eye.
I love them, I think for the most part they're super fun to draw, and they're always beautiful. I can't quite put my finger on it, but they have something special going on. I think they're the most interesting part of the human body. The brain is more interesting but you know what I mean, right?
Anaway, I decided to draw eyes again, mainly because I love this pair, but I also wanted to practice drawing male eyes. I don't like to draw men because everything is more difficult. Beards... but this time, those eyebrows... For the love of God. I started this drawing two days ago, I spent SO MUCH TIME on this, and I'm not even that happy with the result, but hey, this is part of the process.
Now let me show you the actual process:
1. Meet the staff:
Pencils: 5H, HB, 2B, 3B, 4B, 6B, 8B.
Pencil sharpener obviously.
Charcoal and white chalk.
And my beautiful notebook because I need paper, of course.
2. The sketch
It's just the basic outlines, pointing out where the shading happens, where the light hits, etc. I'm awful with proportions so it does take a while.
This is the part where I hate myself the most. At this point, my mind wants me to believe I won't be able to do it. It's impossible. Too much work. Too much effort. You can't. It's gonna look awful. You're blind. But because I know my mind is kind of crazy I just laugh and start to draw. And I already want to give up. But no, I'm finishing, goddamnit!
3. Just one eye.
And just like that, an eye appeared. See? It wasn't that bad. This looks better. You can do it. It looks messy. It will look better, I promise. But I hate drawing eyebrows. Ssshhh it's okay, you're learning, you just have to try.
The eyebrows were a mess. I focused on the actual eye first though, trying to get the shading right, and the tiny details that we're all too blind to see. I have to stare for ages to find some of them. AND THE EYEBROW WAS A MESS. And I wasn't ready to do the lashes. I still wanted to give up. And actually, this is where I stopped the first day. I spent like 2 hours on that mess of an eyebrow and I had had enough.
4. More shades, relax.
See? Seriously woman it isn't so bad, I swear it's looking good. I hate it, I want to stop. That's the worst eyebrow ever. Nah, you like it. My back hurts. You freaking old lady, focus.
Lashes are here. More shading. Everything is darker than you think. Not even the white part of the eyes is supposed to be white. I'm still trying to fix the eyebrow, but at this point, I've given up. I decided it was time to start with the other eye. We'll go slower this time.
5. All over again?!
It's a mess again! Another eye! I have to start the process all over again! It looks difficult again, it looks impossible again. And yet, the first eye sits there in silence, looking kind of nice. You can do it, watch how the magic happens. Watch what you can do. Be patient. The eye will come out.
A bit of shading to guide myself. It looks messy, there's lines all over. But once you blend it all in, things start to appear out of the thin paper. It looks terrible. No it doesn't, stop.
6. The second eye is born.
Woman, you always start a drama without a reason, see how great it's all going! Meh, I don't like it. It's a mess. No it's not. You like it. And I did like it, but I swear, these voices... At this point I'm surprised by myself, actually. Regardless of all the details I think I'm missing, this looks good.
More shading, Always more shading. More crazy lines that make everything look messy until they get blended. I think my proportions are not okay but it's too late now, I can only hope the eyes look like his eyes, and not anyone else's. If I can make that happen, it's all ok.
I'm about to finish but the worst is yet to come. THE OTHER EYEBROW.
7. Final result: Not that bad at all.
I did the thing. The thing is over. I'm awesome. I don't know how I did it. Did I do that? Yes, against myself, I did it.
For the eyebrow I spent a couple of hours watching tutorials on how to draw male eyebrows. And you know what? I spent about 3 or more hours trying to draw the first one, and it was a mess. I spent like 30 minutes on the second one, and you can actually see the difference, it looks way better. I tried to fix the first one and I kinda fixed it a bit, but it was too messy already.
More shading, fixing final details, the lashes, MORE SHADING...
And it's over.
You see? It's a battle. I do enjoy to do this, but also, the hardest part is to deal with myself. I don't know how my mind does it, because I know what I can do. And it still insists that I can't. Well, I don't care, I'm doing it anyway.
I don't have much experience. In the other two posts I already showed you most of my drawings. There's only one missing, because I couldn't find it. So I have done this kind of realistic drawings like five and half times in total.
I lack patience, but above it all, I lack trust in myself. The same thing happens when I write, even though I've showed myself over and over that I'm not as bad as I think.
And this is what I use art for, mainly. Studying myself. I was trying to find the right way to say that, and when I looked it up, the first thing that showed up was Svadhyaya.
Svadhyaya is the 4th Niyama in Ashtanga Yoga, and it happens to be my favorite niyama. It's something that I practice every day, with everything I do. It's the study of the self, introspection, the analysis of everything you do, and everything you think.
So I just realized I'm doing yoga when I draw.