Dungeons & Dumbasses { Gaming Decades }

Panicked villagers flooded the streets as they headed for the nearest escaping routes, the troll’s deafening growls filling the night.

“The fuck is happening?” Baltazar was pissed off, but one would be forgiving of his sour mood considering he had woken up at such unholy hour due the ongoing ruckus.

“The village is under attack!” For some reason, Aaron had the need of pointing out the obvious.

Lin-Lin snickered before following Baltazar’s lead; the former already had drew out his dagger, charging in a reckless attempt to get back at the monster for messing with his beauty sleep. The both of them went down with a single swift of the beast’s massive club.

Aaron joined the fray too, pajamas be damned.

The warrior still was a force to reckon with. His spear pierced the monster’s arm, slicing the thick skin like a knife cutting though butter.

But the monster wasn’t your average dumb fiend, and thus the battle dragged on. Aaron’s stamina decreased steadily with each pressing minute and even with his companions’ help, little did it change the fact that they were tired and sleep-deprived.

It all snowballed from there. One after one, all members the party went down from fatigue until it was only one of them that was left standing.

Kiel knew that everything depended on him. If he went down, it’d be all over.

Screw it. If he’d be doomed either way, he wouldn’t die without at least attempting to play his triumph card. To the heavens, he cried:

“Roll to seduce!”

A wave of groans ran through the table. Subsequently, a handful of nachos, chips and even a stray pretzel were send flying towards the speaker’s head. Kiel– no, Gerald dodged with a mammals’ grace (none) and took a bite off the fallen pretzel while the others complained at him.

“Is that your solution for everything?!” A voice rang louder than the others did.

“I don’t wanna hear that from you, Cindy.” Gerald rebuked, albeit not without reason. After all, Cindy’s character was the compulsive theft of the group, and she wasn’t even part of said class. Nope, the fucker was a monk, but she adored to waste her actions pickpocketing everyone in the vicinity.

To add fuel to the fire, Lin-Lin (Cindy’s character) had successfully robbed about everyone she crossed paths with ever since the campaign started. What’s worse, their party in-game still had no clue she was the responsible for their funds slipping away from their pockets, in a grains-of-sand manner.

To say everyone wanted to kill Cindy for actively screwing with the party would be an understatement.

The saddest part was that, no matter how many times they rolled to catch Lin-Lin red-handed or prayed for a favorable outcome, the dice never was on their side. Lady Fortune had truly forsaken them.

“Yeah, Cindy. You’re full of crap too.” Josh, bless him, called out their companion on her hypocrisy. To Gerard, he said: “But seriously dude, can you just, dunno, stop seducing things?!” The betrayal was real. “I didn’t complain back then when the cultists let us go, or the time before that, but this is getting old! Stop abusing your elf’s charm level to satisfy your hidden furry desires!”

“Okay, first off: rude.” Channeling his inner nigga, or as nigga as a white, European descendant could be, Gerard wriggled his index around synced with his odd neck movements. “Second: you say that now, but you’re the one who encouraged me to woo Burrito.”

Burrito was Kiel’s cute little pet–

“I didn’t expect it to work in a fucking dragon!”

Ok, not so little after all. Anyhow, as useful as it would’ve been set loose a dragon on the troll, Burrito had bravely sacrificed himself just three sessions ago. Still, it was undeniable that without Kiel’s secret weapon, they all would’ve been doomed from starters. The DM (Josh’s college-age sister) didn’t go easy on them. Gerard suspected they were part of a project for her psychology thesis; either that or throwing shit at them in a controlled environment was just Lila’s weird way to prepare them for life.

Speaking of which, said DM clapped her hands to regain everyone’s attention.

“Please, let’s not get sidetracked.” She said with an even tone, dark eyes staring into the nothing. They wouldn’t judge her for being undoubtedly doped in her own basement at 2:30am, though; it was summer and a Saturday for Satan’s sake. “Gerard, tonight I’m feeling benevolent so I’ll allow it. You shall roll the dice.”

“You can’t do that!” Trevor, the actual party’s theft who rarely got the spotlight, whined in protest.

Lila looked at him dead in the eye.

“Yes, I can, because I’m GOD.” Everyone got the underlying ‘fight me’ in her tone.

Trevor didn’t argue with Lila after that, mostly because despite her calmness, they all had seen her tackle down a guy about as buffed as Jason Momoa at last year’s Comiket. You just don’t mess with a woman like that.

Gerald rubbed his hands and blew on his balled fists, before letting go of the dice.

“Seven.” He looked at the DM expectantly.

Lila turned to her notepad, jutted down a few calculations and eventually turned back to them.

“You’ve successfully charmed the troll.” She said.

Cue to more disbelieving groans.