Performance Anxiety

Through the insight of a good friend, I realized that most of my interactions with the outside world are performance based.

I post things on social media that I think people will find interesting about me, so that they will think about me in a favorable light. I publish books that I believe in 100% but I also try to prove to everyone that I am an intersectional academic. I don’t even know if a white woman can be intersectional. I post pictures about my kids and my autistic daughter to show that it’s not so bad, but sometimes it really is tough. I don’t talk about how I don’t have residential custody of my kids because I am afraid people will think badly about me (what did she do, how could she live without her kids. It’s been awful. Ask my therapist.)

Basically what she said was, No one is thinking about you, so why do you care so much about what other people think?

Now, as a Leo, it’s hard to hear that no one is thinking about me. That’s my big old ego. But it’s the truth, because I’m not doing anything of substance for people to think about. Now of course I don’t mean my family and friends. I have a beautiful support system.

I mean the people I follow on social media that I have made emotional connections with because of their posts, who literally have no idea who I am.

I mean the passionate, angry posts I make to my politicians, not because I think they will see them, but because I want other people to see that I stand on “the right side of history.” The only thing that will change politics is voting in state and local elections. And we can’t do that on social media (yet) so I’m wasting precious time.

I need to figure out what I believe in. I’m going to work it out here on steemit. No performance. Just discovery. What do you believe in, steemians? I’d love to hear your perspective.