"My Dog Died Yesterday and I Miss Him Terribly

My dog 'Lucky' passed away yesterday. He was 8 Years old. I'm a complete wreck without him. When I found out he was gone I cried for hours. Whenever I was lonely or sad he'd lick my tears away, but now he cant. He didn't show any signs of being sick. He was happy and playing around yesterday. I don't understand why the kindest and most caring creatures on the planet have such a short lifespan. It doesn't seem fair. Every time i walk out of my room I expect to see him running up to me with that little smile on his face. He had a smile that could make even the meanest people weak.

Those of you who've been through this will understand. And those of you who haven't, I'm not nearly a good enough writer to describe it to you. It is the most tragic, traumatic, and emotionally devastating experience I had ever been through. I didn't know what to do. I cried day and night. I felt like someone had ripped out my insides.

I never knew anything could hurt so bad. I cried a whole ocean of tears. I went through self-hatred for putting my pet to sleep, to depression, to acceptance. For a long time I couldn't even watch a dog food commercial.

Lucky was the first dog I’d raised from cradle to grave. I had other dogs before him, but what I had with Lucky was different. He was born the night my grandfather died, so I somehow imagined he had come into my life to watch over me. Intensely challenging to raise, fear aggressive from an early age, and overly protective of me at times. Lucky forced me to become a more patient, compassionate person, to work with his issues but to also accept him for who he was.

He was my baby, and I was his mom. He saw me through some very difficult and tumultuous times, and he was a constant, steady presence in my life, always there to lick away my tears. I adored him and in return he gave me his undying loyalty and devotion. While I can’t ignore or deny the fact that he’s just about the sweetest and most loving dog I’ve ever met, I often find myself getting frustrated with him for silly things that shouldn’t upset me. I love him but can’t get myself to play with him as often as I should or give him enough attention.

All I can really do is think about Lucky, how much I miss him Lucky and I had a very special connection that I feel like I’ll never be able to have with another dog. I somewhat regret getting another dog so soon after losing Lucky and even sometimes feel like I should simply never own another dog again. My family tells me how strong I am for recovering so well, but I’m still grieving silently and I’m unintentionally taking it out on Lucky. I feel terrible about this whole ordeal and just don’t know what to do.

None of my friends seem to understand how much his loss means to me. I wish more than anything that I could have him back. Even if it's just for one more hour. At least I'd have a chance to say goodbye. Wherever he is now, I hope I'm with him some day. I miss you so much, baby.

Thank you for your time!
@bindu