About relapse

Today I thought I would talk about relapse.  Today I would like to share with all of you what my experience was when I "almost" relapsed.  However, I never relapsed as long as I have my Higher Power I hope I never do.  Why do I say that?  I look at myself as not being "bullet proof!"  I look at myself, regardless of how many years I have spent staying sober as one drink away from a drunk.  I look at myself as a "recovering" Alcoholic not a "cured" Alcoholic.  There is a big difference!  A recovering Alcoholic or Addict continues to be accountable in his or her recovery.  A cured Alcoholic or Addict stops working all measures of recovery and becomes dry, lives in denial and eventually looses his sobriety.  

When I first came to Group of Alcoholics Anonymous the thoughts of using again were still there even though I was "willing" to get sober.  The thoughts I had especially around any Holiday seemed as a threat.  The thoughts of using again were still there, regardless of how many meetings I went to.  The thoughts of using again were still there no matter what I tried to do, change, face, deal with or share at a meeting, rather it was with a friend or with my sponsor.  I stayed sober by the grace of God.  I continued to go to meetings.  I continued to do what I was told to do even if I disagreed, didn't want to or just was bored with the whole routine.  I stayed sober!  On the other hand, in my fifth year of sobriety I hit a wall which was called people pleasing, denial, fear, control and rejection and I am sure there were a lot more but those were the ones I remember the most.  These feelings that I avoided in dealing with or correct in my thoughts and how I perceived myself caused me to "almost" relapse.  

 If you look at the big picture...that is five years of "thoughts" that were not dealt with, looked at, and avoided.  It was as though I was sick for five years without going to the doctor and because I waited so long to deal with the sickness... my sickness became a cancer which; in other words, would be the relapse.  Get the picture?  So, what caused me to avoid feelings?  The pain!  What caused me to "almost" relapse?  My denial of my stuffed emotions!  What did I do to stay sober and not relapse?  I came too!... understanding how powerless I am over Alcohol and people, places and things!  How did my thoughts cause me to have the temptation to relapse?  In me not being 100% willing to face all of my pain, denial and powerlessness!  In my opinion, my thoughts of a relapse prepared my body, mind, spirit and "almost" physical act of doing or engaging in a relapse long before I ever thought it was going to happen.  It is like they always say... "The mind is a dangerous place for us Alcoholics and Addicts!" 

 I never quite understood what they meant about that until my fifth year of sobriety.  After having a "Spiritual Awakening!" before that "almost" relapse I looked at that time in my life as an opportunity.  I looked at my life and still do as fragile, precious and powerless.  I looked at my life and still do as a humbling yet sacred time in my sobriety.  It was a time I will never forget.  I still remember where I was at, who was with me and how I came too!  I came too!... I came too!  I came too... understanding my life and what I have avoided by emotionally stuffing issues and isolating from others and mostly from my pain, fears and insecurities.  I came too... understanding my needs are more sacred than others in order for me to stay sober and alive... "people pleasing!" became clear to me.  I came too... realizing that confidence in my sobriety is another word for cocky!  I came too... allowing myself to become willing to seek help, ask for help and welcome help... I understood how to become humble!  I came too...realizing I need to listen and walk the walk... not preach, judge and criticize others who are not sober!  I came too... spiritually, mentally and physically...I became aware of my Higher Power, I became more mindful of my thoughts and where they could lead me and I became aware I must take action in my willingness in order to stay sober.  I came too... with the realization of so much denial that I still had in my life... I became willing "not" to deny or mask my pain, feelings and emotions.  My sobriety since then has been spiritual.  

My sobriety has been willing 100%...not 30%, 50% or 90%.  Willingness must be 100%!  I repeat, sobriety must be 100% in all I do, seek of myself, my behaviors, my non avoidance in my emotional life, my courage in all I do and change in my life.  I am sure there are many more 100% acts at which I must do in order to stay sober and clear of relapses or thoughts of them, but I can only write so much on this page.  Lastly, I must always remember who I really am and what I am capable of in order to avoid such devastation in my life if I was to pick up a drink.  When I wake in the morning I say to God... "Your will, not mine and I am an Alcoholic!"  I will take care of my thoughts so that my thoughts do not become a relapse.  Do you have thoughts of a relapse?  Do you feel confident you will not use but still think of the temptations?  If so, try to deal with your pain, denial of stuffed emotions and get to a meeting... we should never be "too confident" in our sobriety!  Today, I will exercise my responsibility in understanding my thoughts and if I should have a negative thought about myself I know I have the tools and support to help me through it.  I am not alone!