"My girlfriend preferred her job over me so I broke up with her. Now I feel miserable - what should I do?"

Excerpt: Do you know what is perhaps the number one reason for relationships to break-up or not even begin? Unbalanced Ego. When the universe summons two people together, there is magic in the air. A separation is, in many cases, not the ultimate solution to a situation, if only they knew how to handle their childish ego. In this Q&A I describe what's going on in the head of a man who allowed the childish-aspect to take over his life, and suggest an alternate approach.

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Hi,

I have a problem and I need your advice.

I have had a girlfriend for a year and a half now. When she got a new job she relocated to another country. She had financial difficulties here, so she planned to work there for six months, save money and return.

Although when she left she didn’t want to end our relationship, I was not as certain as her. Because we loved each other (and still do) we decided to wait and see how the relationship would develop.

As soon as she left I began to feel lonely and blamed her for leaving me alone here. The issue intensified after she told me that she was not working as much as she had expected and that she partied (even if not much) and also traveled. I accused her of being disloyal; we argued on the phone and I demanded that we break up. She protested but I insisted.

I was very hurt that she wanted to leave for work rather than stay here with me. When she contacted me, I told her not to call me again and that the relationship was over. We didn’t speak for six weeks but then I could not help myself and called her. Since then we regularly speak on the phone and will apparently resume our relationship once she is back.

However, I am bothered by her current tone. She doesn’t speak to me the same way she used to and I don’t feel the same warmth and love from her. Before she left we had discussed the problems we had in the relationship so now I think that perhaps that’s why she left in the first place. Perhaps our relationship was not good for her after all?

But the most bothering thing (and it took some time until she agreed to tell me) was the fact she had a fling with someone. I simply cannot accept that and I feel extremely bad; physically and emotionally. I don’t think I can go on with this any longer.

Is it normal? Is there a way to fix things and get them back on track?

Thank you,
Geraldo

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Dear Geraldo,

Great amounts of unbalanced ego are involved in this situation. To handle the matter properly you must first understand that you have brought it on yourself; this is what you have created. Then you will automatically realize that you can undo what you did,

A poignant motive in your character was and still is your insecurity. Feelings of jealousy, ownership or dependence - although human – are not appropriate for a True Love kind of relationship between two spiritually developed and sovereign masters. Your girlfriend’s travel brought up that issue and so gave you an excellent opportunity to work on yourself and better the person you are.

At first, you reacted as a lover who lost control over the situation would react: You chose to be the victim of what happened, blamed your spouse for your misery and hoped that she would feel bad enough to come and rescue you.

But guess what? It did not work because your girlfriend was smarter. Consciously or not she knew that this temporary separation was a great gift for you both. Since she believed in your love she didn’t want to break up; that is why she told you how much she loved you. She thought that the time in solitude would allow you (and her) to work on your issues and to grow in becoming better loving spouses for each other.

Your unbalanced ego was not willing to accept the different perspective. It was not ready to understand that what might seem negative is actually beneficial and appropriate. Therefore, you broke up with her on the phone, felt good for a short while, but then realized that you lost everything. You found out that being a victim is not a beneficial strategy in a relationship and in the long run you would end up more lonely and miserable than ever. As you were.

What bothered you more was the fact that your girlfriend had fun; she did (try to) enjoy herself; she did try to find the best way to get over the huge crisis. Can you imagine how it was for that poor girl? To be all by herself in a foreign country and to hear over the phone that her loving boyfriend didn’t trust her and didn’t want her anymore? Can you understand the emotionally hectic time she went through?!
Now you need to ask yourself – what do you choose? Do you love her? (It seems you really do). Are you willing to do the inner work, to learn about yourself, to become a strong loving human being? If so, we suggest the following –

Firstly, tell your girlfriend what you really feel. If you love her and miss her – tell her so. If you feel that she is the woman you want to live with forever – tell her. Share with her your new insights, the new wisdom about yourself you discovered. Convince her that you have grown, that you are developing each day and are learning a lot about love and relationship. Do it all in the clearest way possible, without reservations, without accusations, without blame, and with lots of love, warmth and understanding.

Then release your grip and let the universe run the show. Don’t press her to commit to you; hold back from asking her “do you love me? When are you coming back?”! Remember that you were the one who violated her trust in you and her ego now wants to make sure she won’t get hurt by you again. Trust is fragile and needs time to develop.

When both of you are ready; when both of you have taken the necessary steps to make your relationship healthy rather than to ruin it, the universe will find a way to reunite you. Allow freedom and live in the moment with no expectations regarding the timing of her return or its circumstances.

Good luck!

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