Unconditional Love & Acceptance: The 2 Things That Helped Me Stay Sober
Some of you may have read in June that I have been sober for 10 years now.
Meet my Uncle Ken and Aunt Dawn
These two beautiful souls have been like parents to me. Definitely the parents I always wished I had, yet we don't get to pick that stuff, we're born where we are born, and sometimes it's up to us to make our own families. So without going into too many details, lets just say I grew up with a lot of judgement, and a lot of un-acceptance.
Love was very conditional. I had to do things to get love. I had to be the best in sports, get straight A's...all that shit, I had to be perfect, and then and only then did I matter in my home growing up. It was always short lived though because there were always new and next goals I had to achieve.
Drinking and Self Esteem
When I discovered alcohol it was like I found the magic potion to stop giving a fuck what anyone thought of me. I could feel good. I could be in public without any nervousness! And of course you don't need to read my previous sobriety blog to know that it's a slippery slope to hell using a substance to give us self esteem, self worth. My life became more problematic than ever as the years progressed. I wish I had more photos to show you but the internet wasn't really a thing yet when I was boozing and there was certainly no social media, one day I'll write some memoirs of my stupidity but for now here's one pic I found:
So this was me, from about age 15 until 26. I was the ultimate party girl, fuck I'd drink anywhere, if you had me in your vehicle...there was a beer in my hand. Beach...beers. After work...beers. Beer Beer Beer Beer! And my life was spiralling out of control. I was hurting people I loved. I never could hold down any kind of relationship for more than 3 months. I was fighting a lot. Saying stupid shit all the time. Just being a punk.
In my life growing up, if I ever made mistakes, stupid decisions I got "kicked out". Of the family. Oh yes, I was out and in more than...well I can't think of any good analogies that aren't totally sick, so let's just say, I'm not used to acceptance and unconditional love. When I made the decision to quit I hadn't talked to my immediate family for a pretty long time, and I was living in Edmonton, where my closest relatives were Aunt Dawn and Uncle Ken (who I will refer to from now on as Mumsie and Popsie cause that's what I call em).
Mumsie and Popsie are the most loving and accepting people on the face of the Earth. They don't judge anyone, and let others live their lives. I did some stupid shit, and they never kicked me out of their lives. They never said "I'm disappointed in you Lyndsay". They never cut me loose. It was just love, love love and some more love and then a bunch more acceptance. It was because of that unconditional love that I was able to self reflect. No one was pushing against me. I had nothing to rebel against...I really got some good looks at myself and my behaviour and I decided after one particularly scary and rough night, enough was enough.
Quitting and Staying Quit
Did they respect me more after I quit? Was I treated better? No. Mumsie and Popsie still loved me the exact same, sober or drunk. They never made a big deal of it, or said what a better person I was sober. They just Love ME. Any way. Any day. You know how damn scarce that kind of love is? For me, I only have a handful of people in my life that are like this. My husband is one, and my best friend is the other. It seems like all other love I've ever had in my life was absolutely conditional on me, my choices and my behaviour. At this point I hadn't even met my husband yet, so really, these are the first adults that really showed me what Unconditional Love is.
My most defining moment, and I will always remember this as long as I live...is this one night. I had been quit for about 3 months. We were having a fire in Mumsie and Popsie's backyard, and Popsie comes over to me and he says: "You know Lyndsay, even if you hadn't quit drinking, I would never give up on you." Okay, pausing to cry...
Those words are the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my entire life so far. Just knowing that I didn't have to do anything special to have them by my side. I had no hoops to jump through. I didn't have to be any certain way...that was what kept me sober for as long as I have been. That sigh of relief...that acceptance...that knowledge that I will be loved no matter what, gave me the breathing room I needed to live the life I am proudly living now.
My immediate family still judges me, now it's for the life I live, being a free-hug giver, an activist, someone who doesn't care a fuck about money, someone who wants to grow food, give everything away. They think I should only help "my family" and not concern myself with strangers' problems around the world. They think blood is thicker than water, but to me, everyone on this planet is my family. I haven't even talked to them in 3 years because I just can't handle the negativity and the awkwardness. The conditions. And in comes Mumsie...the last time they were here visiting...and she says to me: "Lyndsay I'm so proud of you, just keep doing exactly what you are doing".
I'm Everything I Am...
I am not able to write the comment here that I need to write, but I just want to say how much I am happy at your ten years of sobriety.
I have been sober for fifteen years, but in the end, mine doesn't come with the beautiful story of unconditional love, although I got sober because a stranger (or near stranger, a university professor) cared enough to extend their hand to a drowning man.
And I was able to grab on and get back to where my feet could touch the ground. That was a lot longer than fifteen years ago, but the very same experience was enough to replay in my head when I had fallen off the wagon.
Took a while and several disasters, but seven years after the first time, and one year after falling off the wagon, there I was, climbing back on.
Once again with no contact with sober people to help, nor any support at all, having burned my life up entirely, just a knowledge that I wouldn't be able to keep on drinking without paying the ultimate price, sooner or later.
The original experience with the AAers served twice as I got sober the first time by learning, and the second time by remembering there is only today, and every day that I don't take a drink I am sober, and tomorrow can be dealt with when it comes.
And here I am, living in Spain, with alcohol everywhere, including in my own fridge, and I don't have the slightest problem with it.
well, I am rambling, but anyway, all power to you.
you have done good little weed, damn good
Not rambling at all, I loved reading that, I've read it a couple times now...I just want to tell you that you are so strong to have been able to quit all on your own and with your own strength with no one else to lean on, you are Amazing. Your life has a purpose, and I know you will find all that you need as you continue on. <3 <3 I'm so grateful you shared this part of your story with me, with all of us here on the blockchain. Thank you for being so real.
I have hardly ever been straight, I suppose I should point out too, in all that time. :)
I like most drugs and still use some of them.
well, I was straight for three years mid 2007 to 2010, to become a better bike racer, but alcohol just became no go for me, once I got sober and even though I have considered it, I have never since fallen for it's wiley charms.
I know it's my back up plan if suicide ever became today's real topic, I am sure I would crack open a beer first, and see how I felt after that.
might be useful, sort of leaving las vegas style
:)
Thanks for your comment and your article.
stay strong
You stay strong too, thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know you better <3 :)
DAMN...You were a drunk too.
I was from 15-27...Sunday I just hit 20 years....
I know, that makes me old.
Amazing article that summarizes what takes place. There is a saying that I am not rewarded for doing what I should have been doing all along. That is exactly what happens when we get sober. We expect the kudos, a round of applause, and the world to bow to us. Of course, most of the world isnt drinking either and showing up for work (that one tended to be a tough one for me at the end).
I can identify with the negativity. It is amazing, in 20 years, my dad hasnt changed a bit. He is still full of the defects of character that he helped to instill in me. I can see his misery and control issues today. They did not leave. He derives his worth by putting others down. I guess when your favorite phrase is "You're wrong", that tells the entire story.
In the end, we need to do what is best for us and true to ourselves. It is totally insane to live for the opinions of others. Ultimately, they are either as neurotic as we are or simply do not care.
Congrats on 10 years and keep up the inspiring work.
I wish I could give this 1000% SP Upvote.
Omg I love this it's soooooooo true:
Thank you for that gem...and for writing a bit of your story here. It's cool to have found another kindred spirit <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
You know as well as I do that when it comes to this dance, my and your stories are one...it is all the same. The thinking, the reactions, the isolation and destruction of those around us is all the same.
Incomprehensible demoralization....big words but something we are intimate with.
Thank you for sharing @lyndsaybowes, I've learned a lot about you on a personal level - but you've also shared some life lessons that everyone (I'm sure) needs to be reminded of.
I for one am not very comfortable in being myself, not only there's some concern for what others think, but I'm not always pleased with my level of flaws - past or present. I would like to, in a lot of areas, adopt the care free attitude you have.
I read a quote (on twitter?) last week that spoke something to the effect of, "It's those who have been through life's worst who can best offer encouragement to others".
Thanks for not hiding who you are! :D I'm glad to have known you even for a short time frame.
Well I thank you for the authenticity it took to write down one of your struggles here. I think that as humans, and adults, we're so used to trying to appear like we have it all together, that there isn't a lot of realness at times, and definitely vulnerability is looked down upon. So, thank you for being so real with me. I'm really glad to call you a friend!
That is so frikkin beautiful! I am that one person that cries in every movie, no matter what and this made me drop a tear, too.
Unconditional love is hard to find, sometimes your own family is unable to give it, that is unfortunate and painful, but true. I guess you can't give unconditional love if you don't know what it is and a lot of people are living without this beautiful thing.
I am happy that you have people to love and cherish, as everybody deserves that in their lives!
Thank you so much for this heartfelt response Linda, I'm glad you felt what I was conveying...it definitely made me cry just writing it all out. I'm lucky as hell, and super blessed to have them in my life. Hugs for you!!
You, too, best of wishes!
Wow, powerful story. Its seems hard backgrounds and upbringings can really make life challenging for many people, but you're one of the ones who is strong, makes a huge change and inspires others. Beautiful story, and congrats on getting over major life hurdles, and much love to the ones who loved you and helped you along the way. You're an important warrior in our fight for a better planet!
Thank you very much @enjay, it's so good to hang with you here on Steemit!! YAY!!! My warrior Brother!!!!! xoxoxxoxoxox Thank you for innerstanding this story and for supporting me always!!!
Great post. I know personally what love can do. Love is the reason why am here today. I spent 10years at the same institution I schooled, not able to graduate, i was ready to give up, but the love of my loving mum kept me going.am happy you are sharing this, I belive through this story and comments a lot of lives will be influenced for the better, parents will learn to love their children and give them attention, cos that's the most important thing a person needs in those dark moments.
Bless your dear Mum <3 <3 <3 I'm so happy you have someone like that in your life Gabriel...Thank you for this awesome comment!
You welcome Lyndsay. And thanks for the upvote
Very moving story. You were indeed blessed to have these amazing people offer what you nedeed most when you needed it most. Your post makes it clear your problems had much to do with your parents and the way you were raised, so I tried to read it as a parent. What struck me most was this
That's a good reminder to us all. God luck on your journey and many more years of sobriety.
Thank you very much for being able to take something out of this Lady Rebecca. Their ways have certainly helped me become a more conscious and able parent. Thank you for the kind wishes...<3 Hugs!
First of all . Congrats on 10 years. You are a miracle. I dont know you but trust me I know you. I love how the best way to heal ourselves is by sharing our story in an effort to heal others. I am sure that your story has saved more than one life. Its is you who are giving out the unconditional love. The more we give out the more we get. Yours is the story of a hero's journey. I have recent realized that ours is a journey with no end and no room for rest. If we are not moving forward we are moving backwards. Its not that we owe to ourselves to keep moving , we have to lead the way for those further back on the path
What a heart touching and beautiful comment @sostrin, it actually gave me goosebumps. Thank you so much for the empathy, and I understand by your words that you have had a similar path to mine with addiction?
November 3rd I will have been clean for 5 years. Recovery is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found so many brothers and sisters that I never knew I had. I thought that I was the only one. What a relief
Wow, congratulations on your amazing achievement!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I'm glad also to know that I'm far from alone...
omg thank you @lyndsaybowes this was amazing.. we have more in common then you know. I'm so happy for you! 10 years is an incredible accomplishment! I'm on my way:) I totally relate to your story in so many ways, including the unconditional love! we are so lucky to have family that is not wiling to give up on us.. like soooo lucky! my mom and dad have been in my corner through all my struggle and doubt. they never left my side and I couldn't be more grateful for them especially being on the other side. wow this brought me back.. I'm so happy I found you. I can't wait to continue reading your articles and maybe we can be friends:) thank you.
Thank you so much for this passionate comment Steven! I can feel the good vibes just pouring off you :) :) :)
I don’t have too much to say. But I’m proud of you! I just wanted to let you know that I was here, I support you, and all that mushy gushy stuff that I’m terrible at. Much love friend Lyndsay.
I wish we were closer geographically! <3 I think of you as a friend and feel a real close connection to you! I’m sure you get that all the time. You’re such an awesome person.
I definitely feel a connection with you too, haha, I know I wouldn't have to censor myself around you and THAT is something that means a lot to me!! Would be so cool to be neighbours...
I’m so glad I’m not the only weirdo around these parts! ;) maybe one day I’ll visit Canada! Haha if you’re ever in Oregon you must come for a visit! :)