Depending on a Drug to be "Alright" (You are the Perfect Drug, but the Stash is Buried Beneath Your Fears)

in #addiction8 years ago

I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
~Trent Reznor, "The Perfect Drug"

Depression is indescribably hard to handle, because you do it to yourself. You forgo the medicine you need, for lesser drugs, that just serve to make the struggle worse, in the end.

We've all seen addicts. They depend on some substance or behavior to feel "okay." Going through life without these pain killers feels like an insurmountable task, which realization only serves to make the addict feel more ashamed, and return once again to the behavior to alleviate the painful feelings of this shame.

Everyone is addicted to something, to some degree or another. Some are smokers. Some binge drink to erase painful memories, feelings, and realities. Some use sex as an escape. Some use masturbation as a means to dull profound feelings of loneliness. Some put needles in their arms. Some smoke marijuana excessively. Some turn to food to fill the void. Some are addicted to the approval ofothers. It is all the same, in the end. All the same.

Talking about my own addictions and habits is hard. Since I can remember, I have felt a gaping hole inside. I have tried meditation, abstinence, religion, exercise, counseling, self-help programs, fasting, and ceaseless activity. The list goes on and on. I have always had a tendency toward neurosis and obsessive thinking for as long as I can remember. I would avoid cracks in sidewalks, pick up tiny pieces of garbage in stair wells to keep someone from falling and breaking their neck (it would be "my fault" if they were injured and I had done nothing after seeing the "potentially dangerous" situation).

I even remember once as a child fretting across the span of a whole family vacation, to the point of physical exhaustion and discomfort, that "what if I am attracted to my mother and sister, and this means I am an incurable sexual deviant?!" Some of these things may seem laughable, and indeed, I do laugh sometimes, but to the person feeling these feelings, and this emptiness, the experience can be emotionally debilitating.

What causes these feelings of emptiness, in adequacy, and hopelessness? I am sure the reasons are as various as the individuals experiencing these things, but there is always one common thread: loneliness. Where does loneliness come from? It comes from a lack of self-acceptance. Where does this lack of self-acceptance come from? It comes from one's image of oneself. One's thoughts. Why do some people seem to accept themselves, forgiving even their biggest character flaws and mistakes, and thus seeming "clean" and whole, while others of us seem to strain at even the smallest "imperfection" and thus, to the outside world, seem to ourselves to become all the more guilty and condemned? Well, I don't know, but I would like to talk about my guesses, and then my proposed solutions.

Nature vs. Nurture

I am certain that my upbringing in a home atmosphere that was hyper-religious, emotionally volatile, and borderline (some would say full on) physically abusive had a lot to do with who I am today.

When my son was born, one of my first memories was of him smiling, even as a newborn, when I held him. I was amazed. It was not some biophysical muscle twitch in his face. I felt a wave of unconditional love for him wash over me, and when it hit him, he smiled. The smile and his eyes were so warm and other worldly that it gave me goosebumps and I knew something more than what I can know or understand was going on. I hesitate to use the word "supernatural" because it was as natural as nature itself, but it really threw me a curve ball. Was this little dude's personality already in place? Even as an infant? It seemed he already was who he was, regardless of anything I had done or "instilled" within him in that short span of weeks.

In my experience, and through my gut I can feel, that humans, when their needs are met, are loving and happy. This is the default position. It is not one of "original sin," or a position of having to overcome bodily functions and natural biologically programmed propensities ("the flesh," in Christian-ese), but a position of innate openness and happiness. When I thought about this logically, I had no reason but to conclude I was born basically in the same state: happy.

I think it is important to think about that word, "happiness." By very definition, it does not necessarily mean giggling and thrilled, but, at peace and not fretting about whatever will happen next. Think of the word "happenstance." Whatever happens. "How is Bob? Oh, he is anger-y." I am hunger-y. My son was happ-y. Whatever comes next, it's all good, dad. Just as long as my needs are met, and I am not worrying about that at all, because I am not sure how to worry and fret about that even if I wanted to. I am in the MOMENT. That is another important word, which is a direct cousin of the word "momentum." Life is always moving, and babies are right there with it, no questions asked. Here is where we, the "neurotic," "depressed," and "addicted" come in.

Out of Synch, Struggling Uselessly Against the Current of the Moment

At some point, I must have begun to think too far ahead. We all did. I was told about hell. I then had to consider what that was. If I do something "bad" now, will I really go to a bad place full of fire away from my mommy and daddy and burn? How do I know what to do!?!?! What NOT to do?!?!?! I had better start thinking ahead!!! This is how we learn to worry. Maybe your situation didn't involve religion, but you had parents who were abusive or emotionally absent. Why isn't mommy looking at me anymore? Why does daddy seem so upset? An adult could recognize that people's actions and feelings are their own responsibility, but to a child, who still believes they are the center of the whole universe, these actions of others are understandably interpreted as a result of the something they did, or did not do, or something they are, or are not.

These toxic, misinterpreted "signals" come from all over. Not just parents. Schools, caretakers, television, media, relatives, advertisements, etc., etc. The message is powerful: YOU DON'T FIT IN. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. While many of these signals are not real, intentional "signals" at all, they get interpreted as such by small minds, not yet prepared to differentiate and discriminate. Children are pure. This is their greatest strength, and as with all great strengths, their greatest "weakness," at the same time. We should all strive to become like children, but in a much more glorious way: by having the innocence and knowledge with which to navigate the world. Wise as serpents, gentle as doves. (Why the hell do Christians think that snakes are evil?!?!? It's in their own goddamn book. Well, no time for that discussion now.)

So How Did You Become an Addict?

Well, I have bad news. If you want to talk about faults, it is your fault. I prefer not to think about blame in this way, because it just exacerbates the problem, and misses the real point of healing, but at the end of the day, the individual who interpreted and received those messages was...you.

Even if your parents were outwardly and blatantly abusive and warped your tiny mind (brain structure actually does physically reflect this abuse, by the way) it is now up to you, to be healed. It was you who received and internalized these messages (even if you had no other choice) and now it is you who must heal yourself. I only speak from my own experience, but if I may be so bold, I presume that this is true for all. I have heard individuals in much more difficult situations, who have been wronged by others in unbelievably cruel and abusive ways, even as children, say the same.

Fantasy

When your addiction began, you were looking for a way to kill the pain. I found that even from a very young age, sex, sexuality, and the female body were such a powerful drug that fantasy made me feel, even if just for a moment, accepted and loved. From first grade I began to check out of the real world, I think. I remember imagining running away with my teacher and getting married, and having this wonderful, dream-like life. Slowly taking our clothes off and talking about how amazing and wonderful everything was, and was going to be, from there on out. I didn't really understand sex then, but the feeling of closeness and being accepted unconditionally implied in what I knew of that act made sense to me at a very deep and profound level. The feeling of life, absent religion. Just pure, true, raw feeling. Fantasy was my drug.

It wasn't always sexual. And it wasn't purely sexual. It was, however, always associated with acceptance. I would go on to have ornate and elaborate fantasies about rescuing girls from dragons and bad guys, rocking out onstage at the Grammys to my middle school friends who made fun of me, but were now so impressed. I have an amazing imagination. I don't think this is rare. I do think it makes my drug of choice all the more powerful, though. And, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with fantasizing and dreaming about things. The dig for me comes in that I began to lean on it, and to use fantasy as an escape from a reality that was just becoming more and more painful.

Daddy is mad? Fantasize about someone who loves you and is happy. The girls at the school don't seem interested in you? Fantasize that you are saving them all from a rapist, and that they all are thanking you and amazed at how beautiful and strong you are. Get made fun of for quitting the wrestling team to play guitar? Fuck that. Now I am onstage at the Grammys and they are all regretting not befriending me, and telling me how great I am.

The back story, and other pertinent factors, and other things I think played a part in my self-image being warped from my childhood and adolescence would take volumes to go into, and frankly, I am too tired. Maybe you can see the pattern. What was wrong was not that girls were rejecting me, or that I wanted to jam out at the Grammys someday. What was wrong was that I was living for what I considered everyone else's approval and validation, and never considered that I ought to feel valid regardless, according to myself. I had no foundation. As a child, there was really nothing I could do about this, because I didn't know better. Now I do, and knowledge is power. But can I really heal myself now? Today?

So Where am I Now, and What's the Solution?

To this day I still escape. I escape into alcohol (though not severely). I escape into cigarettes (though not severely). Actually, I just escape by...escaping. I will often drift off into an empty room or a corner when in the company of others just to take a breath and be alone. I escape and retreat into silence. None of these are bad things when done by choice. They are all "bad" things when done prompted by fear and a feeling of intense self-loathing.

About two years ago I became interested in the "no fap" movement which had its beginnings on Reddit (Yes, I am gonna go there). This was a very large group of guys (we're talking thousands or tens of thousands) who found that pornography and orgasm had become addictive habits for them, and that when they abstained from both, they saw dramatic changes in their lives. One of the main things they talked about was how social anxiety basically went away, or was significantly decreased, after a few weeks of abstaining from porn and ejaculation. I was pulled in by this. I had always struggled with nerves, and was finding them to becoming progressively worse and more and more unbearable as I was getting older.

What they said was true. I was not a frequent porn viewer, but I knew I was using fantasy to escape from my true, buried feelings. After two weeks, everything they had said would happen began to happen to me. My skin became brighter, the whites of my eyes more white, my voice deeper and more resonant, and my confidence much higher. I could make eye contact, smell and taste things in a more vivid way, and was laughing a lot and finding myself smiling just walking down the street. I also became more in touch with my feelings of sadness and loneliness on a very real level. There are biological and neurological reasons for all of this. I did several experiments with it, once even abstaining from orgasm for two straight months. Every time, after having a "relapse" as they call it, my mood would crash, and all these "superpowers" would vanish. I learned something.

I learned that many men, including myself, are compromising what could be their best life, for empty fantasy. One more thing I learned: abstinence is another drug.

What always has nagged me about any "self-help" program, including this one, is that while many do work and teach us valuable life skills and realities about our minds and bodies (which we should not forget and continue to apply) very few focus on the root of the "problem." For these "no-fappers" every time someone would go three months with no porn or masturbation to "reboot" their brains, they would inevitably fall back into the trap. In other words, they would go right back to being anti-social, watching porn, and compulsively acting out sexually. There was no balance. It is akin to the asceticism and self-flagellation of many religious groups, which are often followed by weekend benders or "vice" binges. The thought that kept bugging me was this:

Okay, this No-Fap stuff is working, and providing me with results, but what does that say about me if I, say, have sex with my wife or orgasm alone and then I lose all my confidence and feel super bad about myself and anxious again the next day? Was it ever really "confidence" at all?

It reminded me of how I used to feel after a Sunday at church. You get on a "holy high" and feel God is pleased with you and swear off all your vices, but by the end of the week you are at the bar again with your friends looking for alcohol to absolve your sins. None of these things are dealing with the root of the problem.
THEY ARE ALL MOTHERFUCKING DRUGS.

The Perfect Drug

At the risk of offending some people I will say this: you aren't "addicted." You are hurting. Sure, physical, chemical dependence on substances happens. What I mean, though, is the whole reason you ran to whatever escape you chose was originally because of pain, and until you face that pain, nothing will really change inside of you.

I recall reading the account of an alcoholic who woke up in a gutter on Christmas Day, snowflakes falling onto his face as people in the street, busily going about their daily routine, hurriedly stepped around him with looks of annoyance, contempt, confusion, and disdain. He was not some desperate "bum," but just a normal guy, who had a problem. His escape was booze. At that moment, with the snow falling on his face, he saw his problem.

He found the awareness that his "escape" was killing him, and would destroy his family as sure as the snow was falling on his face. He realized he was doing it because he was lonely inside, and if he didn't deal with this loneliness, he could lose everything he loved. Most importantly, himself. He did not go to Alcoholics Anonymous. This guy, unlike so many others who call themselves "alcoholic" for life, never used such terminology. He supposedly even tried alcohol every now and then after this episode, but never ended up back in the gutter. Why? He had found the root. His own pain, and his reality. He understood.

I need to close this. It is meandering, dreadfully personal for me, and too long, perhaps.

You have always been happy. It's just buried.
Nobody can add or subtract from your priceless value.
The NIN song quoted at the beginning of this passage is about an unhealthy relationship, where one desperate man attempts to sexually penetrate some other human being in order to feel whole again.

We are already whole.

Who is the perfect drug? You are.

They've just been trying to make you illegal since you were born. And so have you. And that's what really hurts. You've rejected yourself. So have I. How bad does that feel? How can we ever possibly be healed?

Let's help each other to feel the acceptance we may have missed out on as children, but this time, from a place of understanding. The knowledge and wisdom that you are your only real and true guide and final authority in this existence. Does that mean you know everything, or cannot look "beyond yourself?" Of course not. Even then, it is still you doing the looking. What it means is that you don't trade in your innate, inherent, intrinsic and nature-given birthright--the power of choice--for the opinions, passing whims, flippant thoughts and capricious "judgement" of others.

Is there something more, "out there?" I would say there is probably a lot we don't know. We all want to be protected. We all want to be safe. Like puppies nuzzling close to their mommies. Now we are the "mommies." Our strength is miraculous, because it is, in every sense of the word...human. Animal, meets awareness. Our capacity to be aware....which gives us our ability to love, is our ultimate saving grace.

~KafKA


Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist residing in Niigata, Japan.

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There is so much more coming. Unfortunately I predict it is not for another 3-5 years. People all over the world are self-medicating themselves with addictions to just get through these tough times.

I admire your openess to talk about it. If you're curious about why it has to happen 3-5 years from now before things get better, check out my post here

Good luck to you @kafkanarchy84... it seems like life is a struggle, which it is for a lot of us. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, but this does not seem to be very closely related to the topic of this post. People have been addicted to myriad things, habits and activities long before the crises mentioned in this article. It seems to me you are simply advertising your post here via a tenuous and contrived thematic connection.

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I think you're right that everyone is addicted to something. But it doesn't necessarily have to be the common things everyone immediately thinks of when they hear the word "addiction" (porn, drugs, alcohol, etc). For example, I'm addicted to cryptocurrencies. That may sound silly, but it has had a detrimental impact on my life: I'm constantly on the computer or on my phone, checking price charts, watching my portfolio, running through "what if" scenarios in my head. My wife complains I don't spend enough quality time with my family on weekends. And sometimes I get distracted by it at work and my job performance suffers, or I don't get enough sleep and end up in a terrible mood the next day. I know I should cut back, but I have an irrational fear of missing out on some important, life-changing industry event if I do. This is my drug.

Another part of your post that resonated with me was the bit about kids learning to look forward and think ahead. When I was a kid I wanted to grow up and enjoy adult freedoms so badly. Now, fully aware of what a cruel place the world is and burdened with the constant worries of what if..., I want nothing more than to be a child again. To have someone else always taking care of me and looking after my needs, being able to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow... kids don't realize what a golden period childhood is, until they grow up. I view my job as a parent to primarily be delaying that moment of realization for my daughter as long as possible.

That is a great point, man. It isn't so much about whether something is a "good" or "bad" thing, but whether it is detrimental or beneficial to us, right? Crypto is a great thing, but I suppose it can also take away from other important things. Honestly I think seeing things in black and white as statically "good" or "bad" can be misleading and even harmful.

My goal is to become a kid again, but with the knowledge I have now. I think that is probably about the best place anyone can be!

My goal is to become a kid again, but with the knowledge I have now. I think that is probably about the best place anyone can be!

Amen to that! I can't count the number of times I've wished I could travel back in time and do it all over again with the knowledge I have now.

Thank you for posting this, @kafkanarchy84. It was recommended by @cryptomancer, and was so good that we decided to feature it in our latest newspaper. Click this link to learn more: https://steemit.com/steemplus/@steemplus/steemplus-saturday-october-8-the-daily-newspaper-that-pays-you-to-find-high-quality-content

Cheers. Very happy to hear this!

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