I am not sure what to write, whether or not I wish to share what has been happening. My days continue like a dream, they seem to all roll into one. I wake up and go down stairs to feed my 3 girls. I do everything slowly, this is no time to rush. Indeed at times it seems as though time stands still.

I know what is happening, what is inevitable, yet I also have my 3 girls who look to me to show them the way, to show them how the day will proceed. So things happen slowly and then we decide who will go into the hospice first. My girls always come with me, but do not always go to visit their aunty. Luckily there are some really nice family rooms, with puzzles and games that keep them entertained and little fairy doors that are hung around the centre.

Their amazing energy which is so full of life, is at times too much for my sister. So sometimes it is just me who goes to sit with her. To reminisce and try and remember all the fun times we had, all the mischief we got up too. We both grew up loving music and dancing. So we would spend hours making up dances to Michael Jackson and Madonna, we were little super stars back then. Nothing was out of our reach. Sometimes we would put on shows for our parents and their friends. I remember using a whole tub of baby powder on our faces and hands, when we reenacted Thriller by Michael Jackson. That and destroying some of our clothes so that we had the same torn zombie look as the dancers in the video.

I remember playing a really cruel trick on my sister. I wanted to get back at her for something, so I said I was going to bed early. Instead I went into her room and hid behind the curtains. I must have waited their for at least half an hour after she came in to go to bed. Suddenly I just jumped out and I really scared her so bad, she started crying. We can laugh about it now, but for years I was waiting for her to get me back. Every night I would check under my bed, check the whole room to make sure she wouldn't jump out on me.

She never did.

My sister is such an amazing aunty to my girls, they absolutely adore her. I adore her, even though we had times in our youth when we were nasty to one another, we both recognized that we were that way because of how we were raised. Because we had been through so much together from such a young age, we have this huge bond. This understanding between one another. We just get one another, we know what we went through, what we had to endure and through all of that our love for one another blossomed and grew. Through the dark parts of our childhood, we were the light we needed to get through it.

This is why it is so unfair, so very unfair that my wonderful, amazing sister has to suffer like this at the end of her life. She has spend most of her 43 years looking after others, nursing the elderly and those with disabilities. She suffered early in life and now she is suffering again. Where is the sense in that.

Why, so many why's.

I know I will never know the answer. I know, that that is not what life is about. Life is about those moments of love and light. Those moments of dancing together, of creating together.

I just want my sister to be in peace, to not suffer any more. I want her to feel the love that surrounds her, the love that she has helped to create. I want her to know that we are all better people because of her.

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