Comedy Open Mic Contest Round #43 : Greetings from HMP Bristol

I haven't been posting much since I joined Steemit. I got caught with my old phone by a prison guard so I had to wait for the mother to smuggle a replacement in. Then all the lads in my cell block wanted a sniff of the phone and so I had that to deal with but here I am now back on Steemit.
Originally I was trying to get a gay porn site up for me cellmate Gay-Nigel. Gay Nigel is the only fella I know that robbed a bank to get caught so he would be sent to prison. He was homeless and loved taking cock so he thought he may as well have a roof over his head, get 3 meals a day and have all the knobs he wants. Pretty clever if you ask me.

Nigel
I do Nigel favours because he takes the heat off me. As you can see from my mugshot - I am somewhat of a style guru so I get alot of attention. Nigel just sorts out anyone that even tries so I owe him big time. My bum is exit only thank you very much. I just needed the mother to smuggle in a pair of headphones. I wanted the over the head headphones but all she could fit in was the in ear headphones. It's strange because my auld lad always said it's like throwing a sausage into the grand canyon. She could of fit a pair of industrial ear muffs in as far as my father was concerned but not to be.
Sometimes Gay Nigel likes looking at the Spanish sailors for a break with the norm. I thought Steemit was a gay site but it turns out that it is not. So I paid 15 quid from making 1000 Christmas baubles AND joined up so I may as well use it.
Me? I was sent down for getting caught robbing a house. I can't deny it because I was caught red handed. I was upstairs when the couple came home. I tried to get out of the window but I had no time so I hid under the bed.

They had a long argument about the guy chatting up some other women. They then had make up sex that lasted ages. When she went on top the mattress was slamming off my head.It was fairly claustrophobic. After a couple of hours of that shit they finally fell asleep and I started to make my move. I was battered and bruised and pissed off I missed the session down the pub. I usually do a trademark poo on the mat of the house i rob. Fuck it. For all the suffering I went through over the last 3 hours. So I did a little squat on their rug in the living room before my exit. I was mid poo when the family rottweiler appeared at the living room door growling and showing his teeth. He approached slowly but i had not yet finished.

Asian Squt
Nice doggy , nice doggy

They say a dog is at his weakest going to a toilet. Well this human was at his weakest. The dog attacked and there was drool , hair, shiney jacket, burberry caps and shit going everywhere. The racket alerted the two lovebirds upstairs. I was held down by the naked man and arrested. The judge gave me 1 year in prison for which I replied
I can do 1 year standing on me head

We shall call it two then for lack of remorse said the judge.

To which I replied ,

Beam me up Scotty

On hindsight that was a bad thing to say but I am a massive star trek fan and I always wanted to say it in front of a large audience.

Anyway that's all from me right now. A bag of drugs was smuggled in by Gay-Nigel's grandmother yesterday. Enough for the month so I will have to hide the phone before I am still able to.

Nigels granny before the visit

I will be updating you all on events from the prison. More happens in here than out there it looks like if steemit is anything to go by. Good luck and god bless and don't get caught with your pants down!

I nominate dstors next professional SP update post and dlives loyalty reward scheme for the next comedy open mic post. It will be hilarious. Textbook shithousery there. I'm in jail. I don't know anyone to nominate. Ok then I nominate @johnnytightlips and @mickythehammer

The drugs are starrrttting too take ef.w,nwjnw

@shithousery