Well this one is going to be a bit different. @linnyplant challenged me to make a comedy open mic post about this car scene since I am a car guy to see if I could make it funny. To further complicate the situation I also can't make any penis jokes. This is going to be hard. That was not a dick joke. So without further ado.

The first thing I notice it that for some reason he has to dial up something on his little flip up phone pad. Who are you calling? Ghostbusters? Well now he is off and running with his sweet ass driving gloves and all. Make sure you get miss Daisy to the market on time. Instantly he is spinning the tires, horrible idea. You just turned you traction off by making the tires into little molten grease balls and a car that will handle like shit.

0-100

Wooooo sound fast right? Right up until you remember this is in KPH , that is 60 MPH for the audiance that lives in a country that has put a man on the moon. 60 fucking miles per hour? I do that in a school zone letting my dog drive while i sit shotgun drinking beer. Don't let his stubby little legs fool you , he can wheel a car and if i get drunk enough we get out and piss on the same fire hydrant.

The stairs

He makes a mention on the shocks when driving up the stairs. Not sure what he means by that but somehow they shoot out the top going backwards so it is all irrelevant at that point anyways. It was a decent J hook manuver at the top. That is when you are speeding backwards then swing the front around like that. It is used in a lot of police training and secret service type of stuff to help you escape a situation if you don't have a place to turn around in a traditional manor like Austin powers stuck in the tunnel

Crowd scatter

There is some unrealistic shit in here but the crowd scenes are always the worst for me to watch. This would literally never happen. People are completely oblivious to their surroundings. I mean people can't get out of the way of a box truck plowing through a crowd do you think they would stand a chance against a low profile missile like this little bit of German engineering? I think not. You would crash through those poor bastards like you were the kool-aide man yelling aloha akbar.

The bridge scene

Okay this is the worst. Everything is wrong. First off these people walk up and just start talking to guys in a police chase with ski masks on and guns in their hands.

Are you serious? Not a good Idea. Then he sees the only 18 wheeler that appears in the whole damn movie and it happens to have an open spot for his car. Thank god, that would have been a shitty ending to the movie getting busted 10 minutes in. Sorry folks, no refunds. So he goes back to the old smoking the tires bit. Great dramatic effect, piss poor approach in reality. When we drag race every 1/10th of a second you loose to tire spin in the first 60 foot equals a total loss of 2/10ths of a second in the rest of the quarter mile. That is huge, spinning ain't winning. So anyway you would assume he is power braking it but then they take a shot of his feet................ one is on the clutch and one is on the brake. Um what in the actual fuck? That is how you sit at a stop light not power brake. Then it somehow jumps a 4 foot fence like it is trying to illegally enter the US without any issue and lands perfectly in the open spot on the truck trailer. The suspension has taken more of a beating at this point than Sasha Greys vagina in the last 10 years. It is fucked up and those shocks he mentioned earlier are blown the fuck out now.

Your gun please

Just when I thought it could not be any more unrealistic they go an completely out do themselves. They have obviously never handled a gun or tied a car down on a trailer in their lives. Shooting that handle would have done NOTHING ! In fact the handles that control the trailer are small little hydraulic levers that go up and down. If you can have a car just fall off then you did not even have it strapped down and they are all strapped down. Trust me, I haul cars every weekend.

The French cop

Somehow the most hilarious and most believable part. As an American this is how I visualize the rest of the world and guns. No form, no technique, just randomly firing in a direction. Don't do this kids. That is how all these dumb ass gang bangers always manage to shoot a little kid instead of the other worthless thug they were trying to kill. Then he almost throws the gun down like a whinny kid quitting comedy open mic because he didn't win. Suck it up buttercup.

Well i made it through without 1 dick joke so mark that down on a calendar as my first post without a penis reference or fart joke. It is good to be back COM I will make up for my lack of dicks here in my next post, i promise.

Edit: forgot the 2 nominations . @all.cars and @americancarnage