How not to write a horror story - Comedy Open Mic Round 34

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Right of the bats (pun intended), I want to nominate @nobyeni and @mariannewest for writing a funny story for comedy open mic.

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The blank page is staring at me in derision. Writing a horror story is difficult. Why? because scaring humans can only have so many possibilities.

Bloody intestines, emo vampires, sexy witches, gloopy aliens, retired mothers- in law...the list is endless.

"The battle for immortality had started. The zombie looked at the vampire's thin frail body and made a play for the vampire's brains. The zombie apocalypse had forced the vampire to go off the iron rich diet he had and turn to robbing blood banks."

Ugh, a zombie would pass over my brains if I wrote such repulsive pap. I mean, like any normal person I've wondered that when the zombie apocalypse comes, what will happen to vampires. Nobody thinks about their food chain. No human, no food.

I abandon the vampire vs zombie idea. It is too mainstream. My second attempt is a romance that turns to horror as is the case in real life.

"Her first kiss. She'd been waiting for it. He looked like a knight in shining armour with his dark tousled hair and a warm smile. She opened her mouth to make a memory. Her tongue rose up like a serpent. It wound around the sixteen year old boy and choked him. The witch thought he might have been the one."

It seems like I'll be stuck in my day job forever. That's the real nightmare.

I can't even, I'm so odd.

My next attempt was go to the world of mythical creatures. When I say mythical creatures, I don't mean nice guys that bring you chocolate.

"The Dullahan rode in the moonlight night as the world slept. He had tucked his head under his left arm to hold a basin of blood in his other arm.
Linda had just woken up to get a midnight snack. She slathered peanut butter on her bread and was looking for strawberry jam when the Dullahan lobbed over the basin of blood at her. Linda stared at the man with the severed head and took a bite of her peanut butter sandwich."

Well that put the dull in Dullahan.

Finally after going through vampires, ghosts, witches and dullahans, I write a really frightening beginning.

"Linda from accounting borrowed Kate's stapler. For two weeks Kate waited for Linda to give it back. Then one evening, when they were both working late, Kate took a deep breath and went to Linda's cabin and asked for the stapler. Linda turned her 180 degrees and held the stapler mockingly. The pins from the stapler flew out and pinned Kate to the nearest wall. Linda kept on reloading the stapler pins and soon the pins covered Kate like a mummy. Linda went back to her virtual meeting."

This is awkward.