Short Story Friday - God, Gophers, and You: A Religious Satire

od has a high reverence for humans... except for that one time when he decided to make the world flood. He considered us less than humans then, though there was not much less than humans at that point. (This was awkward for humankind to explain at dinner parties.) God just wanted all beings created in His image to be perfect examples of divinity, perfectly doing His bidding upon the Earth…

That fateful morning, God had been thinking of new things to give names to as he came down from the 2nd-cloud study to the 1st-cloud kitchen to make morning love to his Wife. Wife greeted him with that casual smile of long-loving marriage (so you can imagine what the sex must’ve been like). It was a smile that hit God like a ray of sun mildly subdued by a grey fog.

God’s eye twitched; Wife’s smile was less-than-godly this morning.

“Wife,” he stated as he sat down with the milk weaned from a cow sacrificed to him only a few moments ago, “what is the matter? You must tell me. You are the 15th Wife so far and, as you know, a 16th is not too hard to come by.”

“Well, you see, Jev, dear, I have become pregnant.”

We are to bear in mind here that God has not conceived a son with this Wife. Therefore, this Wife has cheated on Him. And of course He knew. He knew she would cheat the moment He married her. Also, He knew the child would be male because all-knowing is just what God does.

He casually buttered his unleavened bread as he said, “Our son then shall be called Jesus. You will become a human and suffer this same disobedience on the Earth. Your husband will never touch you in love, and I will send your son down into your womb to bear knowledge upon the Earth. He will devote his life to carpentry, then teach nothing of carpentry to his students.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

“Indeed kind as I will be killing him as a martyr. You will cry a lot. Now, as I have spoken, I would like sausage with my milk today.”

“Yes Jev, Dear.”

After breakfast (and hot, passionate love only the Almighty is capable of) God decided to hold off on His 16th Wife until He had cleansed the Earth of Satan’s evil, the source of humanity's decline so far. Lucifer had been a nuisance ever since the creation of the heavens. God had decided it was time to deal with it. The devil had stolen His 1st Wife from Him, after all, and God had been calling her Eve—like the body moisturizer of the same name—ever since.

This should be of no coincidence since that’s how God felt about her after the betrayal—slimy.

He quickly got over it after He bought more natural body-care products. Even so, ever since Eve, Satan decided to mate with all her children too. It had gotten a little out of hand with the inbreeding, so God was a just rightly miffed. Satan was not free to elope so carelessly like that and He hadn't created AIDS yet, so the bastard didn't even need to be careful.

Ultimately, God felt left out.

So God decided to drown Satan’s children.

He chose a random bearded man that looked strong and hearty. And of course, Noah looked fantastic for his age—quite muscular. If God was gay, He would’ve… ^_(AHEM…)

Noah looked at His little burning bush parlor trick as if he was going crazy.

“NOAH.” God’s voice boomed louder than anticipated; this is what happens when the Creator of the Universe amplifies His voice for divine effect. “THOU SHALT MAKE ME AN ARK OF GOPHERWOOD AND PAIR THE ANIMALS OF THE EARTH WITHIN FOR THERE WILL BE A FLOOD.”

“…Okay.” Noah said meek and ran off, ax in hand. It was a touching sight, seeing a devoted human. God wiped the falling tears out of His luxurious beard.

A few days later, God sat down with His new wife and a cosmopolitan to watch the flood waters rise and take the boat afloat. As God sipped, He realized, this would make an excellent story. And then He laughed a booming laugh as He pointed. Suddenly, the world zoomed in on his finger, paused for dramatic effect, and ended.

...You may wonder why God wanted to end His story that way, but well… it wouldn’t be the meaning of life if God let writers in on the whole story, now would it?

Maybe it has something to do with gophers... No, let's hope not.