Well folks today I am here to inform you that there is a swanky new contest on the block
chain with some cool prizes that you really should consider entering.
"But why should I enter Steven?"
Well if you will be patient for just a tad longer I shall tell you exactly why Dear Reader.
The contest is the disturbing brainchild of none other than @rycharde who is clearly a masochist as he now must read through all of the mind-bending entries for the contest I am about to disclose.
The aim of the contest is to ((wait for it!)) write a beautifully crafted piece of NONSENSE, yup, ya heard me right, nonsense!!! Why is that important and why should you enter? Well in my opinion writing ((or in my case sometimes talking)) nonsense is incredibly liberating. Think about it whenever we need to write something in life we must filter ourselves so utterly to maintain an air ((or illusion of)) professionalism. We must come across as reasonably sane and even, dare I say it? Level-headed.
But no more, crazy party people - The lunatics are takin' over the assylum!
Now you can unleash the silliness, anarchy and utter unbridled nonsense that lurks just beneath the surface. You may even win a prize, but don't enter for that, enter for the sheer, unadulterated fun factor.
Check out THIS MAGICAL TRANSPORTY LINK so that you know exactly when the contest opens and closes. The current contest closes in several hours, depending on where you are in the world. I have it on good authority that if the contest is popular ((and it is!)) this will be an ongoing thing. I don't think I am being too presumptuous to tell you that it will as the response I have seen is phenomenal.
Well just to prove that any idiot with a keyboard and half a brain can indeed accomplish such a task, I have included my own entry below for your delectation, approval, or ((more likely)) thinly veiled disgust and utter mockery.
Beware! Viewers, readers and psychics of a nervous disposition, should read no further, the contest entry below contains politically incorrect subject matter. I have also included a liberal sprinkling of extreme misogyny for comedic effect. One further trigger warning I should probably mention is that I use a phrase that some community members may find disturbing... Donald Trump.
Well as promised here I am with my aforementioned entry to the Donald Trump lookalike contest... Oh sorry on reviewing some of the entries perhaps I have misunderstood the concept slightly. Never mind, a quick change of tack and it's onward and upward.
Oh it's a nonsense writing contest, I could likely add any of my comments posted on the platform and romp home as the undisputed Emperor of nonsense, but that would merely shatter the last 3% of my remaining self esteem, those comments were from the heart, in all honesty, not my heart but a heart, and it was human too, or so the gentleman I bought it from assured me.
Where were we? Ah yes, nonsense.
I will refer you to a recent speech I gave for the 666th chapter of the Women's Institute, otherwise known as the W.I here in England on October 31st last year. I trust you may glean a touch of nonsense from within if you search hard enough.
Ahem ahem clears throat
Ladies, ladies ladies. We find ourselves in unusual times, our place as Ladies in the community and on the world stage has been given a makeover of late and as well as the vote, we now also have the right to curse, drink fortified wine and spit.
In these unprecedented times we owe a debt to the very section of society who gifted these rights to us. Of course I refer to our obvious overlords MEN!
Without whom, where would we be?
Who would catch the spiders that often make their way in to our beautifully cleaned homes. Who would put up shelves? Clearly as Ladies we are far too fragile and dainty to accomplish such unseemly tasks.
As a 47 year old British man, I feel particularly equipped to understand the challenges we ladies feel on a daily basis. I think I may have thought of a few more drawbacks that may not have occurred to you betwixt your daydreams of new curtains and flower arranging.
If the humble Lady continues her rise through the upper echelons of the nations public services, broadcasting, the arts, who will perform those vital tasks that shall remain incomplete?
I refer of course to laundry, ironing and the most feminine of pursuits sandwich making. In a recent study by the leading male scientists the average time it took a man to make a sandwich was some 57.4 minutes, compared with the average lady scoring some 4.2 seconds.
Faced with such overwhelming empirical evidence and data I am certain that the obvious solution is clear. The lady must return to her natural habitat, the home, maybe even more specifically the kitchen!
If we do not tackle this issue which is only slightly more pressing than climate change a whole generation of children may grow up completely bereft of the knowledge of how to fashion a napkin in to a pretty swan.
I think we have all become familiar with the concept of fake news in recent times and I am sure we can all agree that the word and concept of misogyny belongs tightly locked in to that category. Only recently a man informed me that the word misogyny itself was created by a lady, doesn't that just show how far you have come? I wish I could pat each of you on the head for your exceptional contribution to furthering our species.
Why not hand back the right to vote, that stuff is just confusing anyway right? Treat yourself to a bright new lipstick and a 5 pack of dish cloths and do what you were born to do cook, clean and gossip.
I paused at the end of what I deemed to be a rousing speech and waited for the ovation, it never came, I think perhaps the content was too complex for them to process.
Okay, okay, I know that I am gonna be stoned in the village square but no ladies were harmed in the creating of this satirical nonsensical account. If anything, it was a ridiculous lambastation of dumb-ass, male-mini-minded Victorian values.
P.S please, please, nobody bring this piece or writing to the attention of my good lady, she will quite categorically destroy me!!! She may also refuse to catch the next spider that creeps in to the house... Eek!