Fiction short story: You Can't Choose Who You Love

Photo and Story by Randy Stiefer

Loraine's mind filled with thoughts of what she was leaving behind, as well as returning to, as the pod zipped along the interior of the Evacuated Electromagnetic Tube at four hundred miles per hour. Having just finished her studies at the Great Mother University in New Albuquerque she was returning home to Lolonia, a small village in the northeast corner of the Nation of the Great Mother.

A curious nervousness came with thoughts of her impending return home. After four years in a big city, would she struggle adjusting back to village life? Her visits home had been like leapfrogging through time. Her niece Alyssa was two when she left for school and each return visit saw her add a couple of inches in height. At six her niece had become a precocious self-assured little girl that reminded Loraine of herself. Loraine bet that her older sister was looking forward to seeing her little sis almost as much as having an extra babysitter.

Her mom's recent appointed to the elder council was reason to celebrate tonight. Loraine’s own ambition was to hold a seat on that council. It was why she had chosen small community administration as the focus of her university studies. While not a requirement for appointment, Loraine knew it wouldn't hurt.

When Loraine left for school the village was a collection of ground dwellings scattered in small clearings and a large central meadow. Over the past two years the village had been converted to an elevated woodland community, the tall pines that dominated the area becoming pillars for a village in the sky. A variety of buildings including individual sleeping pods, family dwellings, shower rooms, and rest rooms were anchored to single trees. Larger buildings suspended between several trees hung in the air above the small clearings that once held the ground buildings. Those larger buildings included meeting rooms, technology centers, storehouses, a dining hall, a communal kitchen, and the elder council meeting room. Walkways of sturdy wood and braided metal cables connected everything. Two clear strands of material incorporated into the outer surface of the cables illuminated at night, bathing the walkways in soft white light. The central meadow was transformed as well. Gone were the rows of tiny huts, replaced with solar panels, greenhouses, and raised bed gardens.

Two people from school came to the front of her thoughts as she reached the midpoint of her journey. While the memories themselves were warm and fuzzy, thinking of them brought sadness for they would no longer be a part of her everyday life.

There was the best friend whom she'd known since her first year. Luna was half a foot shorter than five foot ten inch Loraine. A sassy little redhead whose shoulder length curls made her stand out in a sea of wavy brown hair like the title character of a Where's Waldo book. Loraine's big brown eyes missed getting to look into her brilliant green ones. An instant friendship developed out of a chance meeting during a lecture. Luna had a girlfriend when they met but that relationship fell away as the two became close. The relationship turned romantic for the first three months of the next school year.

Loraine adored Luna, but she also felt the pull of the opposite sex. When she broke that news it hit Luna hard and they didn't talk for a month. One day Luna approached Loraine as she sat in the cafeteria and asked if she could sit with her. They fell back into being best friends like the hiatus had never happened.

The following year Loraine and Luna both found new romantic interests. For Luna it was an age appropriate female that happened to be a rugby teammate of Loraine’s. Loraine's choice was a bit more unconventional. Alexander Jones was a professor of biochemistry and twice Loraine's age. He had dated colleagues over the years but never made the deep connection he yearned for. They met at the opening of the University's new planetarium. She was fascinated by the stars and, had it not meant moving away from her village, would have studied astronomy. The shiny new Planetarium drew a large crowd, and chance had put them next to each other in a line that was plenty long enough to give them the time to get to know one another.

Their conversation was sporadic for the first half hour but the boredom drove them to engage further. They were joking and laughing by the time they stepped inside. The professor found a seat first and Loraine plopped down next to him. Smiles were exchanged as the lights dimmed. After the presentation Alexander asked Loraine to accompany him to dinner and she accepted.

Professor Jones didn't look like the kind of guy you'd expect a tall, fit, rugby playing college student to fall for. He was the same height as Loraine, had short brown hair, a full beard, and brown eyes. None of that mattered to her, she was fascinated by his intellect and personality. They remained platonic for the first six months despite an unspoken mutual desire to make it otherwise. The tipping point came after they attended a gala event at the Natural History Museum. Their inhibitions had loosened thanks to several flutes of champagne. When it was time to go home Loraine offered to adjourn to the professor’s place. He was quick to accept.

After that night, Loraine began splitting time between Luna and the professor. Luna finished her studies and returned to a small town on the western edge of the Nation of the Great Mother at the end of Loraine's third year. This left her with more time to spend with her favorite professor during her final year. He cautioned her that a time would come when things between them might end, but she dismissed his admonishment, preferring not to think about it. Soon his feelings had grown and he too put off worrying about the future.

Three weeks prior to Loraine completing her studies the professor proposed. She looked into his eyes for what felt like an eternity. Every ounce of her heart wanted to say yes, yet she knew she couldn't ask him to leave the university. Likewise, she had enjoyed her time in the city but couldn't bring herself to live there permanently. As the tears began to fall, she felt her heart being torn by this impossible choice. She either had to give up her home or give up the man she loved. The long silence was interrupted when Loraine brought herself to utter a single phrase.

Loraine choked out, “I can’t.”

She spent the next two days in her room alternating between sleeping and crying. It hurt even more that there was no one to blame. He had not pursued her like some middle aged man having a midlife crisis. She had not chased him like some impetuous school girl looking for a fling. Their relationship had grown organically. The real problem wasn't that they loved each other. It was that they loved different things. The professor loved teaching at the University. Loraine wanted to return to her close knit community. It became clear to Loraine that you can't choose who you love.

After the two day sulk-fest, she pulled herself together and finished her last couple of weeks. She attended her rugby team’s end of the year party to get her mind off her heart. The rugby girls reminded her that she would never forget them thanks to the small scar she carried over her right eye. It was a memento from an accidental head clash during one of their more raucous practices.

On her final day she roused the courage to see the Professor one last time. They spent two hours reminiscing before one last lingering kiss. She shed a few more tears on the way back to her room but still felt she made the right choice.

The pod slowed as it pulled into the transport station that served four villages, including Loraine's. She was thankful to be the lone passenger, as it had given her time to think rather than having to engage in idle conversation in order to be polite. The pod shifted from the main tube to a side one and then shifted again to one of the birthing tubes as it slowed to a smooth stop. There was a rush of air as the vacuum was broken by the upper half of the tube swinging up and out of the way. Next the transport pod opened, allowing Loraine to step onto the station’s platform carrying her satchel.

Loraine's stomach rumbled but sustenance would have to wait till after she walked to the village. The day was warm but the walk was pleasant thanks to the trail winding its way under the thick green canopy of the forest. The completion of the western most staircase since her last visit came as a pleasant surprise. After ascending the stairs, she followed walkways indicated by the directions on her tablet to the also recently completed cafe bar.

Loraine was impressed by the village's cafe bar. It had an art deco dinner feel to it and was equipped with the newly developed multi-drink machines, which could make over one hundred different kinds, both hot and cold. All the tender had to do was keep the bins filled with the necessary ingredients and clean it at the end of the shift. It took the guess work out of preparing refreshments and freed the tenders to do more of what drew them to the work in the first place, socializing.
She greeted the mid-30's man who was tending. He was just over six feet tall with brown hair that was already starting to recede. He sported a scruffy little goatee and his nose had a slight bend to the left from a childhood accident.

Loraine smiled at him, “Hi Robert, Got any sandwiches?”

He looked up and smiled, “Well welcome home kiddo, long time no see. You back for good?”
Robert went rummaging around the fridge to see what was on hand.

Loraine answered while he looked, “Yeah I'm back for good.”

He came out of the fridge with two sandwiches in hand, “Turkey or roast beef?”

Loraine let the rumbling in her stomach decide, “Both, please.”

Robert plopped them down on the counter, “And to drink?”

Loraine replied, “Water would be fine.”

Robert got her a container of water then proceeded with the questions Loraine was going to have to answer over and over again the next few days. He asked about her time in the city, how she got her scar, how she liked college, and what she had studied along with a smattering of follow ups. Robert, without knowing it and most likely due to his own personal struggles, had mercifully not asked if she had met someone special. He was outgoing and likable on a casual level but couldn't get past his fears when approaching a woman with the intention of romancing her.

In between bites and questions Loraine managed to message her mom. The return message stated her mom was about to get out of an elder council meeting and would be right over. As Loraine shoved the last of sandwich number two into her mouth, her mom appeared. They exchanged a warm hug as Loraine hurried to choke down that last bite.
Mom went first, “Oh I missed you Loraine. I'm so glad your home.”

“I'm glad to be home mom.” Loraine replied after what sounded like a painful gulp. “How are Deloris and Alyssa?”

Mom was polite enough to greet Robert first, “Good day Robert. How are you?”

Robert smiled, “Just fine Ashley, just fine.”

Ashley returned her attention to her daughter, “They're fine. Thomas has grown a lot as a Dad and a husband. I think their little family is coming along.”

Loraine let out a sigh of relief at the news. Her sister had married Thomas, a man from a strange land to the east of their village. He seemed nice, but there had always been stories about the people from that place. They were often characterized as dishonest narcissists. Loraine assumed Deloris's love for Thomas, similar to her love for Alexander, was another case of not being able to choose who we love.

Ashley put a motherly hand on her daughter's shoulder, “Loraine, What happened a month ago? Your messages slowed and turned somber. I can see sadness in your eyes. Does it have something to do with that young man? His name escapes me. Alex wasn't it?”

Loraine had kept her mother in the dark concerning many of the details, such as him being a professor and twenty years her senior, about Alex. Silence hung in the air as Loraine began an internal debate about what level of detail to reveal. She thought what does it matter? It's over now. Yet she worried her mom might think less of her. In the end Loraine went with honesty.

“Mom, I kept some things from you. Alex is Professor Alexander Jones and he teaches biochemistry. He wasn't my teacher, but he's twenty years older than me.” Loraine came clean.

Ashley looked a little stunned, “And he's who you've been seeing for the past two years?”

Loraine nodded as she hoped mom wouldn't find disappointment with her.

The silence returned as Ashley pondered her daughter's revelation. The mother in her wanted to give Professor Jones a piece of her mind for taking advantage of her daughter. There was a problem with that, Loraine wasn't the vulnerable type. She was the self-confident, rugby player that would not think twice about punting a boy's nether region. Ashley had to admit that even with maternal instinct attempting to discard the reality of it.

Ashley broke the silence, “So why the depressed mood?”

The first sign of tears were starting to form in Loraine's eyes, “He asked me to marry him.”

After another stretch of silence Ashley prodded further, “And?”

Loraine wiped her face with the cloth napkin Robert had given her with the sandwiches.

“I said no” Loraine replied.

Ashley realized that she was going to have to continue prodding, “If you didn't want to marry him then why the down feelings?”

Loraine replied after wiping away another tear, “I did want to marry him, but he wouldn't want to leave the university and I didn't want to stay in the city.”

Ashley put her arms around Loraine and gave her time to compose herself. Ashley felt the pain every mom feels when their child confronts an untenable proposition. She entertained the idea that the Professor should have known the ramifications of his proposal. She also knew that the hurt would have come had the relationship ended under different circumstances.

“Tell me what you’re feeling now Loraine” Ashley asked.

Loraine let her words flow in a stream of consciousness, “I don't know. Luna left last year. Now I'm without Alex. No rugby. No school. All the holes hit at once.”

Ashley counseled her daughter, “Sounds like a lack of direction. The past four years held a lot of certainty for you. The door just closed on a big part of your life. Often the best thing to do when that happens is open a new door.”

Loraine furled her brow. She got where her mom was coming from but had no clue where she was going.

“What do you mean?” Loraine asked.

“Have you considered motherhood?” Ashley replied.

“Mom! With who? I just broke up with the only guy I ever....” Loraine didn't finish the statement, deciding that was one detail her mom didn't need.

Ashley retorted, “No, I'm not suggesting the normal route. The village north of us found a six year old orphan last winter. Her parents had succumbed to the weather while trying to flee the horrid conditions of the Northern Tribes. They've been caring for her but no one has stepped up to be her permanent care provider.”

“Mom, you can't just replace people like when your pet dies and you go get a new puppy.” Loraine protested.
Ashley replied, “It's exactly like that, except you aren't replacing them. You are planting a new relationship in the fertile ground left by the old one.”

Loraine continued to protest, “Me, A mom? I don't know the first...”

Loraine stopped mid-sentence when her mom pulled out her tablet. On the screen was an image of a small girl, small even for the age of six. Luna came to mind in an instant as Loraine stared at the girl's long, tightly curled red hair. Her eyes were deep blue, rare for a redhead. Ashley remained silent as Loraine took in all of her features.

Loraine had a question, “What's her name?”

Ashley couldn't contain her smile, “Marie.”

Loraine continued to look at Marie as she softened to the idea. How could she not? It was easy for her to imagine this was Luna as a kid or maybe Luna's kid sister.

“No promises, but, if you want me to, I'll meet her” Loraine relented.

“Splendid, I don't have council meetings for the next two days. We can leave in the morning.” Ashley sprung the plan on Loraine.

Loraine was surprised by the suddenness, “Um, okay, I guess.”

Loraine filled the rest of the time till evening meal by visiting friends and family. There was Lidia, a heavy set black girl with an audacious sense of humor. Next was Lucius, a slender six foot five reed of a man in his seventies. A master storyteller and ever since she was a little kid Loraine had loved sitting with him for hours as he told vivid tales of events, both real and imagined, from long ago. The final stop was her sister's. She knocked at the door of their family dwelling.

Thomas smiled with warmth after opening the door, “Hi Loraine. Welcome home.”

Loraine was startled by the offer of a hug from her brother-n-law. The Lolonia were the hugging sort, but Thomas had been aloof, keeping an emotional distance with everyone except Deloris. Now, except for his green eyes and creamy complexion, you couldn't tell him apart from the rest of the village. It dawned on Loraine that it had been nine months since her last visit.

Loraine accepted the hug as she heard six year old feet running her way. Thomas released the hug and turned on his left heel like a gate swinging open, clearing the flight path. Right on cue, Alyssa leaped into her Aunt's arms from two strides away.

“I missed you Auntie Loraine!” shouted Alyssa with exuberance.

“I missed you bunches too!” Loraine replied back, feeding off of Alyssa's excitement.

As Auntie Loraine and Alyssa got reacquainted, Deloris walked into the room. Like most mothers with young children, Deloris looked tired. She tossed the towel she was drying her hands with aside and waited her turn to hug her sister.

Loraine tried letting her niece slide down but Alyssa hung on with a tight grip.

“Can I say hi to mommy now Alyssa?” Loraine half asked and half pleaded with the six year old attached to her.

“Okays” Alyssa slid down her Aunt.

Loraine gave Deloris a firm hug and they then spent the next hour catching up. Thomas took over the cleaning so the ladies could have their chat. He was straightening up Alyssa's room when Loraine asked what had changed with Thomas.

“Thomas seems like a whole new person. What gives?” Loraine inquired.

Deloris beamed with pride, “He started counseling sessions with mom. She's helped him work through some stuff.”

Loraine expressed her happiness, “I'm glad to hear that. You and Alyssa seem happy.”

Deloris nodded, “Happier than ever.”

As she sat with her family at evening meal in the dining hall, many of the villagers stopped by to welcome her home. This is what she had missed while at university. In the city people were busy doing their own thing while the central theme of life in the village was togetherness. Family, friends and community were what made up the daily routine. As the meal wound down, Ashley took time to show Loraine where her sleeping pod was on the village map. She also reminded her to get some rest before the trip tomorrow.

Loraine found her sleeping pod without a problem. She was surprised that someone, mom most likely, had already taken the time to stock it with clothes and supplies. She tossed her satchel on its hook and got comfy on her new bed. Her brain was exhausted but she still found the time and energy to message her friend Luna.

Loraine included the image of little Marie in her first message, “Hey Red. Check out this little girl. Remind you of someone?”

Luna replied after about three minutes, “Oh my gosh, she's cute! Who is she? Love the hair!”

Loraine explained, “Her name is Marie. She's six and an orphan. My mom wants me to meet her and suggested that I adopt her.”

Luna next message came quicker, “That's a lot of responsibility. Are you going to do it?”

Loraine answered, “I don't know, but after seeing her picture I did agree to meet her.”

Luna replied, “Don't rush the decision. Love you lots. Goodnight.”

Loraine kept looking at little Marie's picture till she was ready for sleep. Something about her was mesmerizing. She worried that she didn't have parenting skills, but right now Marie didn't have a parent. A feeling of selfishness washed over her for considering the burden this would put on her.

Loraine met mom for early meal. After eating they headed over to the communal kitchen and picked up box meals and containers of water for the walk to the northern most village of the Great Mother. It was a three hour walk and Loraine was worried about her mom making such a long trip.

“Mom, are you sure you're up to this?” Loraine asked out of genuine concern.

Ashley was perturbed with the question, “If a guy my age can keep up with you then I think I can handle a little walk in the woods.”

Loraine said, “Fair enough.”

Ashley might have taken offense to the questioning of her stamina, but she was a little concerned about it herself. It had been over a decade since she'd done work that required physical exertion, though she wasn't over weight and took walks when her schedule allowed. She was sure a moderate pace and a couple of breaks would be all she needed.

Three hours of walking, half an hour of breaks, and two water containers later they arrived in Sternworth. It had yet to make the transition to an elevated village but the sign marking the southern boundary proclaimed the project would begin later this year. The two women found their way to the village's old ramshackle version of a cafe bar. Drink choices were limited as there would be no multi-drink machine until after the conversion. They both selected ice tea to wash down the pear, carrots, and turkey sandwiches that filled their boxes. While they ate Ashley messaged her contact. Half an hour later a middle aged woman walked up and introduced herself.

“Hi I'm Clairiese. I recognize you, Ashley, so I'm going to assume that you are Loraine” She said.

Loraine held her hand out, “Yes I am.”

Clairiese gave the extended hand a good shake, “Lovely, shall we go make the introductions? She's shy, so don't expect much the first meeting.”

Loraine nodded in affirmation as they left with Clairiese to track down Marie. They found her in the village's playground by herself with a well-worn teddy bear. She was teaching her bear to dance to music that only she and her teddy could hear. Several other kids were playing together but Marie seemed to prefer the company of her bear.

Clairiese and Ashley went to chat with the young woman who was supervising the children as they played. Loraine was nervous and looked to her mom as if to say, what do I do now? Ashley waived her hand telling her to go over to the little girl. Loraine feared she'd startle the timid six year old, so she moved slow. Marie clutched tight to her teddy as Loraine crossed her legs while sitting down.

“Is that your friend? What's his name?” Loraine spoke with the same voice she used with her niece.

Marie looked at her teddy, “His name is Timmy bear. My mommy gave him to me.”

“He looks like a very nice bear” Loraine said.

Marie scooted closer and showed off Timmy. They both played with Timmy and built a sand castle over the next two hours. Marie blossomed with Loraine, going from shy and timid to smiling and laughing. Then, like children tend to do, she asked the question that was on her mind at that moment.

“Are you gonna be my new mommy Lo-anne?” Marie asked looking up at Loraine with her big blue eyes while struggling with her name.

Loraine scooped up the little redheaded and hugged her tight as Marie hugged her back. Tears rolled down Loraine's cheeks as that gnawing in the pit of her stomach started to wane.

Loraine said, “Yes, I'm gonna be your new mommy. I need to talk to the grown-ups for a little bit okays?”

Marie looked at her, “Okays I'll be here.”

Loraine walked over to the three adults still wiping tears away.

Ashley put her arm around her daughter, “You okay?”

Loraine composed herself, “Yes. I'll take her.”

Ashley was surprised. Just yesterday her daughter wasn't receptive to the idea. Now she sounded sure as rain.
“Are you sure? This is a big responsibility.” Clairiese asked.

Loraine straightened and said, “I'm sure. You can't choose who you love.”



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