A Depression Odyssey: Chapter 2 of 10
Chapter 2 - The Park
Lempo walked toward the sidewalk and began walking out of the small suburb toward the park. Surrounding Lempo were well-trimmed green lawns, shiny cars, and beautiful brick homes. Walking down the empty neighborhood, Lempo thought, “Is this what life’s all about, buying a nice house and cars, and having a nice lawn? Is that all there is to life? How is this supposed to make me happy? Because just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Am I destined to live the same miserable life as the adults living behind those brick prisons?”
O – ‘Maybe they aren’t miserable, maybe they’re living perfectly happy lives.”
X – ‘My parents might think I don’t hear them when they gossip, but I hear every little thing about these miserable people living their phony lives. Most of the people living in this small neighborhood are drunks, drug addicts, or pill poppers. And just as many, if not more, are liars, cheaters, or ill-tempered. And everybody is a hypocritical gossiper, including my parents. My dad’s a hopeless drunk and my mom only puts up with it because she pops her pills from her ‘hidden’ stash. Everyone has all this fancy stuff, but they’re miserable as sin. Life’s just one big cruel joke and everybody’s lost trying to figure it out. The sad part is that there’s nothing to figure out; life is meaningless.”
O – ‘Well, I don’t know about that, there must be a meaning to life, or else we wouldn’t be here.”
X – ‘Nah, that’s just a lie people tell themselves to have a fake sense of hope, but deep down they know that everything they do is useless and they are only trying to escape from their inevitable misery. Everything and anything these people do in order to gain happiness will be done in vain and will be a complete waste of time. In the end they’ll be the same miserable wretches.”
O – ‘But there must be something we can do to become happy, right?”
X – ‘Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything to be done to attain happiness because the world is nothing but darkness and misery. Take the people living in these brick prisons for example; it’s easy to see their futility of striving for happiness, it’s actually quite pathetic. They spend the first quarter of their lives going to school and learning in order to get a career and reach the high end of the middle class, or higher. During this period, they don’t have time to spend thinking about the meaning of life, they only have time to earn an education and begin a lucrative career.
O – ‘What exactly does escaping reality have to do with being miserable and unhappy?’
X – ‘It has to do with the condition of being satisfied. You could either be satisfied with something, not satisfied with something, unaware of a thing that will bring you satisfaction or not bring you satisfaction. And in rare occasions, something that once satisfied you can cease to cause satisfaction, or a thing that did not satisfy you, can later satisfy you.’
O – ‘Before this line of reasoning can continue, what do you define as satisfaction?’
X – ‘Satisfaction is the state of being content with a certain condition, object, person, or experience. In this case, I will concentrate on the part of the definition having to do with one’s condition, but before I get to the technical part, I will talk about satisfaction in general. As I said earlier, satisfaction comes in two classes, one is positive and the other is negative. Obviously the positive is being satisfied and the negative is not. A third class is when a person hasn’t experienced something that others have, therefore that person isn’t able to form an opinion yet on whether that thing satisfies them., An easy example would be a mango fruit. Mangos to me are satisfying and the reason is that they fulfill the needs of my taste buds. But this same fruit does not satisfy my dad because mangos don’t fulfill his taste buds; instead he is repulsed by the flavor. An example of a different condition would be my friend Minton from school; if he’s never tasted a mango before, it will be impossible for him to decide whether a mango satisfies him or not until he taste’s one, so in his case the answer will be unknown.
O – ‘So, then what does this have to do with escaping reality and being miserable?’
X – ‘Before continuing to that, it’s better to continue with the simple analogy of the mango and its satisfying or non satisfying flavor. Right now the factor of the unknown is not important. If dad were really hungry and presented with a choice between apples and mangos, what would be his choice?’
O – ‘Obviously he will choose the apples and refuse to eat a mango, even if one was offered to him.’
X – ‘Yes, exactly; this would be his choice since it’s known that dad is satisfied when he eats apples and the opposite is true with mangos. Now I’ll apply satisfaction or non-satisfaction to the escaping of reality. I’ll use dad as an example again. When he drinks, the alcohol has an effect on the way he perceives reality and, in essence, it changes his aspect of reality. And the more he drinks, the more this becomes true. The increase of alcohol causes people to distance themselves from reality.
O – ‘Yes, this is true, but a person being distant from reality doesn’t mean he is escaping from it.’
X – ‘That’s true, but in this case dad is not just distancing himself from reality because of the effect of the alcohol, he’s doing this because he’s making a conscious choice to drink. If a person, such as dad, is always choosing to distance himself from reality, the logical conclusion is that he prefers to be distant from reality. All this leads to dad being satisfied distancing from reality.
O – ‘Maybe he just likes the feeling alcohol gives him.’
X – ‘Well of course he likes the feeling, but it’s important to remember what causes this feeling that he likes. Alcohol doesn’t just make you feel good, it causes a certain subjective state of mind and this is what he likes. In this case the subjective state of mind is a distancing from reality and this gives dad a feeling of fulfillment thus causing him to be satisfied.’
O – ‘So, it’s experiencing this conscious state of mind that causes a person to be satisfied or not?’
X – ‘Yes, it’s not the thing, whatever it might be, itself that causes the satisfaction; it is the subjective conscious experience, or state of mind this thing causes that we find satisfaction in. Being distanced from reality is the conscious state of mind in this case; and if he is constantly choosing, everyday, to be in this state of mind, then logically I must conclude that it brings him satisfaction. Like in the example of the mango and the apple, dad will always choose the apple, because the conscious experience it brings satisfies him and the mango does not. When a person chooses one thing over another, over and over again, it is because that one thing brings him satisfaction and the other does not. Dad chooses to be distanced from reality over our true reality, over and over again, which shows he is not satisfied with our true reality, causing him to escape from it.’
O – ‘How does this revelation tie in with everything that was said earlier?’
X – ‘If someone has to escape from reality in order to be satisfied, this means that his unsatisfying reality is an unhappy place for his conscious being to exist in. Being constantly unhappy in a state of mind, in this case one’s reality will eventually cause misery. Being in misery, this person begins to drink alcohol or take drugs so he can escape from the reality that is not satisfying and in actuality making him miserable.’
O – ‘So what is the point of all this rambling?’
X – ‘Yes, I’ll go back to what I was originally thinking about and tie it all together. These people were once students striving for a career so they could be materially well off, because they thought this is the meaning of life according to society’s standards. Throughout their entire education and even after they attained their career, as can be seen now, they are constantly taking drugs and drinking alcohol, causing them to be distant from reality. And what is the reality that they’re distancing themselves from?’
O – ‘Their reality consists of having a high-end career, owning a big house, shiny new cars, maintaining trimmed lawns, and many other expensive material objects.’
X – ‘Exactly, all this is the reality their subjective conscious selves are aware of. And this reality is the exact thing they’re distancing from. This must mean that they do not like the reality they studied and worked so hard to create for themselves. Everything they strived for was meaningless because now they spend most of their time distancing themselves from it. This shows that life has no meaning.’
O – ‘Maybe this shows the meaning of life is to distance oneself from reality.’
X – ‘If this were so, then all these people, including dad, would not spend a lot of money going to classes and therapy to help themselves stop drinking and doing drugs. So eventually, even this thing that brings them more satisfaction from reality ceases to help, but for some reason they continue to do it, causing even more misery to their life. Being aware of all this makes me lose hope and shows me the meaningless of life. I’m destined to follow the same road as these miserable people and live a meaningless, despairing life. Some day in the distant future, I’ll be a well-educated college graduate working in a lucrative career, owning a big house with a trimmed lawn and a couple of shiny cars in the driveway, drinking and drugging myself to death, because I will hate my reality and life in general. It’s a dark, miserable future I foresee.’
O – ‘Does this have to be my future?’
X – ‘It’s the only future I know.’
With this realization, Lempo looked to the sky asking, “Why?” and silently, began to weep.
Arriving at the park, Lempo saw that there weren’t many people. There were the regular joggers, a couple feeding the ducks, two families having a cookout, and a few other people, but Lempo knew none of them. Sitting alone and already feeling hungry because he hardly ate breakfast, he ate both sandwiches and noticed a bottle of water his mom put in the sandwich bag. Thirsty from the walk to the park, Lempo drank the entire bottle and sat silently looking around. Unmoved, he said, “Why did my parents want me to spend time out here? What’s so special about this? All I see is a small fake lake with weed looking grass and a crack-filled walkway surrounding it. Am I supposed to be amazed by seeing a mindless duck wandering around, looking for crumbs that these people could spare? That man over there isn’t trying to be romantic by bringing his girlfriend to feed the ducks. All he wants is to get in her pants and this is the easiest way for him to do it. And the kids from those two families are spending their entire time on their cell phones; even the mom is using hers. The only reason the dad’s not on his is because he’s too busy cooking. I’ve heard people refer to this park as being beautiful, but I don’t see it and no one sees it either; just look at them, no one’s admiring the scenery. Everyone’s too busy on their phone, or watching food cook, or checking out their girl feed the ducks, or looking at the pavement, listening to music as they run on the track. No one thinks this place is beautiful, that thought hasn’t even occurred to anyone.”
O – ‘What about the girl feeding the ducks?’
X – ‘It’s easy to see that she doesn’t care about the ducks, she’s just trying to look cute for that man. She wants him to think she has a good heart, but in reality she has ulterior motives. He must have money, popularity, or something beneficial to her. But she cares about this place as much as any of these other people. No one thinks this place is beautiful, not even the people who said it, they’re just trying to make conversation so they could start talking about themselves and what they did here. I don’t blame them though, there’s nothing beautiful about this place. I’m better off just using my phone instead of looking like an idiot staring at grass and water.’
Lempo stood up from the table and moved over to the bench under the shade. He took the all-powerful phone out of his pocket and began to see everything he was missing out on. Noticing the stream of pictures he was receiving, he decided to take one of himself, sitting down and sent it out on a message reading, “At the park bored.”
After sending the picture, Lempo said, “Damn I should have taken a picture of myself with the two sandwiches in front of me.”
Putting all his attention back into the world of social media, the god of the youth, Lempo shut out the rest of the world. The only world he cared about was the one of social media. It was the only world where he felt like a real person. It’s the only place people ‘listened’ to him. The world of social media is a place of ultimate connection where everyone includes you in their life. If a person feels happy or sad, they let you know. If a person went out or stayed home, they let you know. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen to a person, they let you know. Your friends care about you so much, they want you to know everything about them and what’s happening in their life. And this is the case with maybe 90% of the people on social media, but in the boring world around you, everyone is a mystery. Social media is a world where a person actually matters, a world where everyone can be included in some way, fashion, or form. This is the reason Lempo preferred to immerse himself in the world of social media and make it his god. Even with all this at the forefront of his mind, there was still something missing and Lempo knew he was empty inside.
Facing the phone without paying attention what was on the screen, Lempo whispered softly, “This isn’t helping me get out of my misery; all it’s doing is distracting me from my misery. What is it that I’m missing? It’s not friends, because I have plenty of them.”
O – ‘If they’re my friends, then why aren’t they helping me?’
X – ‘They are helping me by keeping me involved in their intimate lives.’
O – ‘Is this really helping?’
X – ‘Well, first I need to know what I need help with. I need to know what it is I’m missing. Maybe it’s the natural state of a person to be in misery. This is one of the consequences of knowing life has no meaning and our ultimate goal is to hate our reality. I’m sure that most, if not all, people feel the same as I do.’
O – ‘If this is true, then why do people look happy?’
X – ‘They still haven’t seen that the ultimate end in life is to be miserable and alone, like the rest of the adults in my neighborhood.’
O – ‘Well, whether they see it or not doesn’t matter because eventually they will all come to the realization that everything is pointless and meaningless; and life consists of misery and darkness.’
X – ‘If everything is pointless, then why do I keep using social media?’
O – ‘Because only this world around me is meaningless and social media is a world unto itself. The connection to everybody is a beautiful thing.’
X – ‘Does this mean that the world of social media has meaning?’
O – ‘Of course it does. In this world everyone is lost and alone, in the one of social media everyone is connected and never alone because there will always be someone there with you, as a matter of fact, there’s millions. It’s a place where I can lose myself in forgetting about this dark, miserable world around me.’
Being interrupted by a sudden noise, Lempo ceased this inner dialogue. Glancing around to see what caused the commotion, he saw a bunny hopping at full speed. The bunny could be heard crying out in fear of its life. His curiosity piqued, Lempo wanted to find out what was causing this erratic behavior when suddenly, he saw a hawk returning to the sky from a failed attempt at catching the bunny. The bunny, being in an open field, was attempting to find a place of refuge. Lempo knew how this was going to end, but did not want to see the bunny’s fate. Although for some strange reason, no matter how hard he tried, Lempo could not turn away. He was forced to see nature run its course.
As fast as he could, the bunny ran across the field as the hawk prepared for his next attack. Lempo knew there was nothing he could do to stop the bird from catching its prey. Agony could be seen on the bunny’s face when the hawk shrieked out in preparation of his next attempt. In a sudden motion, the hawk dove toward the earth at a swift speed. Predicting where the bunny would be, the hawk opened its talons, welcoming the body of this defenseless animal. In horror, Lempo saw the talons sink in and pierce the bunny’s soft skin. As this happened, the bunny cried out in agony, squirming in futility as he tried to save itself from its sealed fate. As the hawk steadily carried away the bunny, the helpless animal moved with less vigor, until its movements ceased altogether.
Lempo thought, “Is this why my parents wanted me to come out here, to see an innocent animal get slaughtered as everyone just watches? What did that bunny do to die that horrible death? This is the world’s true nature, despair and death. That bunny wanted to live and did everything in its power to avoid death, but still it suffered a horrible, painful death. What’s the meaning of all this? I don’t understand why that poor animal had to die like that; I wish I never would have seen what just happened.”
Noticing how much charge the phone’s battery had left made Lempo think about the nearest place to charge it. Lempo stood up, deciding on a nearby laundromat, and began to walk out of the park.
He thought “I’m glad I have a reason to get out of this horrible place. I don’t understand why people come here, it’s a dump. All I saw was weeds, dirty water, and cracked cement. It was easy to tell that all the people here didn’t want to be; I don’t know why I listened to my mom and came to this depressing place.”