The dangers of writing late at night

So there I was, writing more of my upcoming Kindle short read late last night. Or early this morning, depending how you look at it.

Source

My inner editor got the best of me and I went to an online thesaurus. I found the right word and went back to work. Later, maybe an hour or so I came up for air. That’s when I saw it.

The thesaurus page was still open on my second monitor. On the right-hand side there was a picture. I blinked my eyes, trying to clear the blur that sets in as the night goes on.

I saw a long, ridged, but not entirely symmetrical object. My mind went to naughty places as it was extremely phallic. Except it was green, and not quite phallic enough. Finally, I noticed the image had a title:

Yodelling Pickle

My mind couldn’t quite make out what I was looking at. Yodelling and pickle are not words I’ve ever seen together.

So naturally, I had to click on it.

The click led me to...

Amazon. It was an ad. But knowing that didn’t help me understand what it was. So I read the product description:

Are you sick and tired of trying to teach your pickles to yodel?
Pickles can be so stubborn. At last, the yodeling pickle you’ve been waiting for. With a mere press of a button (yes, it has a button) this little pickle will yodel its heart out. You’ll think you’re in the Swiss Alps listening to a yodeling pickle.

The fact I wasn’t rolling on the floor laughing, but instead diving deep into my memory to see if I knew the Swiss had a penchant for pickles told me it was time to go to bed.

But I couldn’t stop looking at it. Who would ever spend ten dollars on a yodelling pickle? The description answered this question for me too:

Great gift for the person who has everything except a yodeling pickle

My mind was totally blown. I scrolled down to see if there were questions on the item, still not understanding why such a thing even existed. And there were - 48 of them including whether it was waterproof. Apparently I wasn’t the only one with a naughty mind.

As I scrolled down though, it all made sense. Under related items I saw:

• Instant underpants (just add water)
• Unicorn meat
• Farting animals coloring book
• A lifesize cardboard cutout of Peter Dinklage

I had stumbled onto one of the secret areas of Amazon - kind of like the dark web. It’s always there, but you don’t see it unless you go looking for it.

I wasn’t looking for it

But I wasn’t looking for it. I wish I could remember what word I was searching for (and I’m too lazy to check my history) that made the website think a yodelling pickle was relevant to me. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe the silly little Gremlins who secretly control the Internet decided to have a little fun with someone who was up way past her bedtime.

So it’s a good thing I went to bed after discovering the perfect gift I hope I’ll never have to give. Who knows where they might have lured me next...

If you’re wondering why there’s no image, it’s because I don’t want to anger the copyright gods here on Steemit. But if you want, you can see it here and travel down the Amazon wormhole on your own.

And if you’re feeling especially feisty, make sure your settings allow adult results and then search for “swing” or “indoor swing” on Amazon. You’ll likely discover a whole different section of the store, even if you are just looking for a swing for your son (I really was!). But I warn you, it’s NSFW.

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All images are mine or licensed from Adobe except where noted. Freewritehouse, Pay it Forward and the Bananafish Tribe used with permission from their owners