Ramble, too depressed to be coherant

I was sitting in my chair today, unable to do anything. I'm binge-watching TV shows when I should be working. There is this emptiness inside me. A cloud of shrowded darkness. Not always, just today, after a long, long time. It has been hard, the last months. I seem to slip back into old patterns. I am overtaken by work, my brain constantly in movement. There is no time for myself. I overwork my mind and know it. But I take no pause.

I know where these patterns lead. When there is more darkness and tiering days than just air to breathe, I spiral. It may last a day, or two, maybe a year. In my teens, the time when I went through change and development, I was always in the dark. It taught me things, I learned to embrace it. But I also lost time. Weeks at a time I would spend in bed, lost into books, computer games, and tv-shows. There was a time when I could tell you all the shows that were airing in a year. And there were hundreds of them.

I found my escape from life in imagination. I let my mind go numb, it was almost like I was on drugs every day. Like I was sleeping, never waking up. I feel like it now. My hands, they tremble, but not outside. There is electricity going through my veins. I am me but I am less human. My heart beats but it is painful to breathe. I am provided with blood flow but I am not sure it has any use.

My mind is one of those that have strong beliefs. I just know them, I have no proof. Somehow, the life after life seems like a good thing. Death too early is not an option, though, even though I already feel hollow inside. My spirit escapes only at night. I travel the worlds, the millions of dimensions.

Past, engraved in my veins, pulsing through me. I have memories of days when life was much different. I am just hurting, in the darkness. Even though sometimes I see a ray of sunshine. I was okay, for a year, maybe two, but I let myself slip. Remember the humanity, keen on repeating patterns and stepping on the same rake far too many times.

That is what makes me feel helpless. The endless wheel of our actions repeating and though there are improvements, with more people come more mistakes. We are here, together but separated. Wondering through life, looking for a purpose. And finding it if we are lucky but losing our way in the corporate machine far too often.

I am not part of the 9 to 5 cycle but that has made me realize that it is not the problem. We are. Our minds, or genes, the invisible bags we carry. If it is not guilt it is anger or self-loathing. We have our pet peeves and I wish that we didn't. We learn to deal with them, get rid of them or embrace them but they are always there, even a shadow of a fading memory matters.

I wish it was easy, to live, love and forget but do I even know how those emotions are felt? I know my purpose, I know what I want to do. Still, my heart aches, my mind goes in circles. I am a step further than I was last year at this time. But I just want something, that I cannot reach quite yet.

My life is going to be quite long this time. But will I get to do all I want to? There really are no obstacles but me myself. When I leave me be and look at the body as a shell, I see all that I do wrong, all that I should and could change. It is hard or maybe too much at once. My mind knows how to always be prepared to make excuses. Maybe it is smart assessment, maybe I am just cowardly. But somehow, I know that I will not be happy because I am not home.

A vision of a garden untouched, of a sea as clear as the beautiful blue skies. A forest filled with most capturing scents and mountain as fresh as Spring itself. I see it all, I see it and miss it. It has been millennia since I have been home. I came, to hold hands, to guide and support and somehow got lost and became one of us. A human. Solving my own created challenges. Dreaming of home, one day or another. Somehow, giving up and still hoping.

Two sides of me, the one that longs and the other that has given up already. That side is on top today. Just floating in an endless ocean. You are the stars, the moon, and the skies, you are just a part of the molecules moving. Just energy, pure, untamed energy hoping to arrive at your destination safely.

Have a great day my dear Steemians, today, tomorrow and forever,
Linda