Is he the one?

I had a bad day yesterday. Not horrible but nothing enjoyable either. I have concluded that some things in my life are not how I would like them to be.

There is this thing in unhealthy relationships where a cycle pattern is established. An argument kicks it off, making up comes not long after, honeymoon period ensues, and digression to the next shitstorm leads to another round. Nothing changes except the days, they pass by, and you do not notice.

There are two things to do, break out of the cycle or give up on the relationship. Being okay with the rat racing wheel should not even be an option. In the old world, people fixed their relations, they worked on them and improved until both of the parties were happy about where they were, and most of the times, in the end, they were smarter, healthier and more in love than ever.

Today, however, we give up quickly and things fall apart double fast, we are a little selfish and self-centered. Not always but mostly. ''But what will I get out of it?'' "What am I to gain?'' ''He/She does not do it exactly the way I want''.

For me, I am in the middle. I want to work on a relationship, but I also know that some things are not meant to be. There are 8 billion people in this world and failed encounters are bound to happen. They just make you smarter. Each of those people you meet, leave something for you, some knowledge. They enrichen you, and you usually step out of the relationship smarter than at the starting point(Not talking about abusive relationships here. Even though, from those, too, you take some kind of knowledge. More damage h done, though)

I am a little selfishcouples want to be happy, not for the sake of the feeling but the behavior of me. I know that I am the only one that can regulate my emotions. No shopping or lovers can ever fill that part because that is not what euphoria is about. For me happiness is building future for others, writing what I want and spending time with like-minded people(I do not mean agreeable people, I mean, the ones that are at the same level as me or that can teach me things. People who do not say how smart they are but give knowledge based on experience)

I am a millennial and still, I hate how most people my age think. I have qualities that I do not look up to, and I am trying to work on them. I ramble(awfully lot), I am very sensitive in the sense that I do not forgive quickly and I never forget. I am sarcastic and sometimes too much. My boyfriend occasionally receives remarks that he does not deserve, I feel wrong about them, but I also think them to be true. I hate that. He is clumsy and forgetful, but he is also funny and smart. Still, we are the complete opposites, me a control freak and him a spontaneous soul.

Opposites do attract but here I am, standing at the crossroads and thinking if we do more harm to each other than good. I have learned a lot in this time of us being together. I know myself better, the qualities that I see in me to be undesirable are more evident. I love him but I also know it is plainly psychology, we spend time together, he was bound to become an essential part of my life.

I have only had one semi-serious relationship before, in my teens. It ended, obviously, and I look at it as the perfect example. It was terrible at first after the breakup, but with time I realized how stupid it even was to date at that time, we were never going to work out, and I am thankful we did not. Plus, we were just kids, god, I am still just a kid who knows zilch about life. I mean, I know things, but there is this quality to time, it gives you more, a broader perspective. Just compare what you knew as a child and how your being has expanded. A year makes a huge leap in a mindset already.

I remember the last months of that first relationship I had, particularly the last week. We talked, and both decided that it was better for us to go our separate ways, my ex brought me to the train station, and we said our goodbyes, then he left. But me being the softy I was and still am, after a couple of minutes I went after him, he caught me in his arms, and we promised each other never to do that again. After a week we broke up, this time by his initiative. This time, thankfully, for good.

I still see this as a mutual decision, though. We talked about it the week earlier but our affections clouded our judgements. We had been together for almost a year, of course, there were feelings. I can without a doubt say that it was the best decision that could possibly be made in that situation. The guy never really loved me and I came to realize that I did not adore him either, I just wanted somebody to be with at that time. I wanted the label.

I didn't have anybody serious for four years after that. Now I am in a completely different situation, still I can see some similarities, this time the roles are changed though, I feel like I am the one with the clearer head, still I am lost. I most definitely love him, he understands me and believes the crazy things I tell him, my dreams and my stories, he takes it all.

But with time I see some resentment building up, in both of us. We have come far and we are trying to work it out. The issue is, my mom is a psychologist, therefore I take after her and my brain is constantly analyzing human behavior patterns. I know where low-key resentment leads and I can spot it immediately. I have seen too many midlife couples being together just because it is more comfortable than going through a divorce.

I have seen too many couples going through a divorce. I am not interested in being with someone just for the sense of being together. I want something more but I do not know if there ever will be that. I know all the emotions I have felt but I have no idea about the ones yet to come. Is there anyone out there that can tell me that they ever truly fell in love, real, stable love, healthy without compromises that made one of the parties give up on their dreams? Is there someone who fell in love hard and fast or powerfully and slowly?

And most importantly, why do I fell all of the emotions twice as strongly when I sleep? In my dreams I have loved one like there is no tomorrow, I have been happier than in my wildest life moments. They say that intelligent people are happy much more rarely than fools. I do not consider me to be above the average in many things so my question is, do we all long so often for something unreachable?

Have a great day, today, tomorrow and forever,
Linda