The Stoner Buddy Movie Pitch - screenplay

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Watched a fella pitch a movie. This is exactly how it all went down.

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INT. BULL’S BOTTOM COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Dark brown wooden interior of the old barn thick with the musk of fresh ground coffee.

Outside the windows, blue skies and palm trees in from the beach’s breeze.

Inside, up front, oldies reminisce. In the back, tourists mingle with locals and lowkey bums.

In the back back, JERKFACE, smells like shit and just made a family scatter stink face. He farts a little when he moves too fast, so he tries not to, which only makes the farts extra pumped when he does.

Back up front, a couple of sweet smelling old ladies recollect working in the industry back in the day.

    JEANIE
Well there’s a way to be,
self deprecating and not be so-

    NOD
Yeah.

    JEANIE
You know what I mean?

    NOD
Yeah.
    
    JEANIE
Right.  There’s a way to- 
Remember Hallibut Fairbanks?

    NOD
Yeah.

Fella in a blue cap walks in and joins them.

    FISH
Here we go again…

    JEANIE
FISH!  Do you remember Halibut?

    CLEM
Saw him at The Forum
back in- Wait who?

    NOD
Yep.

    JEANIE
Right. One time- hold on a 
minute, my daughter is texting...

In the middle of the shop a bit, up the steppy steps by the rail, on the wicker chairs, a couple of Veteran Caps with the papers. The LOCAL JOE and CAL FROM MAINE.

    CAL
That’s neat. You live here now.

    LOCAL
Really.

    CAL
Better than Baghdad hahaha-
HEY you ever been to Venice Venice? 
The Real Venice?

    JOE
Uh. No. You?

    CAL
Hell yeah All the time. 
When stationed down in-

    JOE
Really?

    CAL
Yeah! Canals are huge. Get this,
they use them as streets.

    JOE
Really?  

    CAL
Yeah but it’s still not legal.

    JOE
Uh-

    CAL
Yeah! That’s where,  
if Trump makes Marijuana legal,

    JOE
Oh.
    CAL-
I mean IF he does, IF,
that’s where I would like 
to walk around, you know?

    JOE
Really? In Venice Italy?

Jerk Face tries to stand without farting.

    JERKFACE
I’m sorry.

    JEANIE
Here we go again-

    NOD
Yep.

    FISH 
Did I already tell ya bout the whale
I caught this morning?

    NOD
Nope.

    FISH
Whopper!

    CAL
You fish around here? I’m 
from Maine!

CRASH! Jerk’s table falls forward, he stands, pulls up his pants.
JERKFACE
Movie House. Everybody Fire.
(louder)
Sorry, but were you guys talking
about making Movie Pictures?
(louder)
Me Friend has Best Marijuana
Movie Idea Ever. Wanna hear it?

    CAL
Is that gauze wrapped around 
the outside of your pants?

    JERKFACE
Yes.  Were you talking 
bout the ganja ganja?

    CAL
Uhh, my brother’s has a shop
in Calabas but-

    JERKFACE
You big time investor
Hollywood Producer Man?

    CAL
Buddy I’m retired Military 
visiting family in town. 
Just met uh…

    JOE
Joe.

    CAL
Joe here little while ago. Joe
what’d you say you do again?

    JOE
I’m a big time Hollywood 
Producer Man.

    JERKFACE
Really?

    JOE
Sure dude.
    
    CAL
Really? I thought- Ya know,
it smells like shit in here or 
is that me?

BANG! JerkFace leans over the table he just picked back up. He gathers papers from a pile.

    JERKFACE
No that’s me.  Wanna hear my 
buddy’s idea for a movie?  Thank
you for your service USA.

    CAL
Thanks.

    JOE
No.

    JERKFACE
   (to the front)
YA WANNA!?

    FISH
     (sips coffee)
Jesus Christ No.

    JERKFACE
It’s movie about the marijuana!

    CAL
Really now?

    JERKFACE
Billion Dollar Industry bigger than
Bitcoin.  Big Hit Marijuana Movie
for the Modern Day.

    CAL
Really?

    JERKFACE
Solid Gold Story about Facing Change, 
Finding Each Other.  Action packed
character driven road trip comedy. 
Sideways meets Blues Brothers meets 
Cheech & Chong meets...

FISH pumps cream in his cup.

    FISH
just shut up already-

    JEANIE
-ok calm down-

    FISH
-yeah but he stinks!  
We out of napkins? 

    JERKFACE
Got some in my shoes. 

    FISH
Jesus.

    JERKFACE
     (golf clap)
My buddy’s movie will make 
you all the moneys nom nom nom.

    JOE
oh really?

    JERKFACE
Yes and wanna hear the pitch?

    CAL
Hey this guy speaks your movie words.

    JOE
This guy’s just a bum-

    JERKFACE
NEVER THE LESS, wanna hear 
me pitch my buddy’s idea for a 
marijuana movie?

    JEANIE
Tommy Chong used to stop by for 
coffee after surfing back in the
day. Also, you can’t pitch     
another person’s picure. 

    CAL
Really?

    NOD
Yep.

    JEANIE
Nice guy Tommy. Great sense of 
humor. Smelled like roses.  

JerkFace removes his hoodie, rolls up his sleeves, rubs his hands together, slaps his face, squats.

    JERKFACE
   (to himself)
Movie movie movie…

    CAL
Well well well, I’m gonna see an 
old fashioned Hollywood Movie Pitch-

    JOE
I doubt it.  

    CAL
This is how it happens right?

    JERKFACE
Yes. 

    JEANIE, NOD, JOE
No.

    JOE
He’s a bum. 

    JEANIE
40. 45. Worthless. Probably won’t 
go home cause his family tried
to have him committed.  

    NOD
Yep.

    JERKFACE    
Hollywood! 

Last friend I ever saw 
had best idea for a movie-

    FISH
Jesus

    JOE
Idea or  a Story buddy?

    JERKFACE
Story.

    CAL
What’s the difference?

    JERKFACE
Once upon a time!-

    JOE
Is it you or your buddy’s?

    JERKFACE
Definitely his.  I got nothing.
Great idea. Funny Guy Great Guy.
He smart good guy.  Handsome nohomo.
Put him in pictures now! Me just dumber 
than putting mittens on kittens? 

    CAL
Sounds more cute than dumb.

    JERKFACE
Ever find a box of both and tried?

    JOE
  (getting up)
Looks like the Marine Layer is 
lifting outside.

    JERKFACE
Once Upon a Time!-

    CAL
Here we go.

    JOE
Really?

    CAL
Really. Why not Joe? Look, we were just 
talking earlier about how Trump 
need to make more time for the little guy.

    JOE 
WWTD?

    CAL
MAGA. 

    JERKFACE
USA. USA-

    CAL
Look Joe, you’re already living the 
American Hollywood Dream.  You there in 
the Blue Jeans Track Suit, you in the
French Beret, you with the fishing hook 
in your lip…  looks like you got  
something worthwhile. You got 
all the time in the world. 
What’s wrong with just giving a bum
a couple minutes of false hope?
Let’s hear the bum’s pitch-

    JERKFACE
buddy’s

Skateboards zoom past the front of the store. Palm trees in the breeze through the windows.

Joe stands up, his coffee on the table, he takes deep breath of musky coffee shop.

    JOE
It used to smell like coffee around here.
Now it just smells like shit.

    NOD
Yep.

    JERKFACE
Yeah sorry about that-

    JOE
If I listen to your movie idea, 
will you leave?

Joe sips his coffee and gives the bum the High Noon stare down.

    CAL
Sounds fair bum, what do you say?

Jerk looks from Joe to Cal back to Joe then to Jeanie and Fish who look away. Nod shakes her head. Jerk looks back at Joe.

    JERKFACE
Here’s the deal.  I’m gonna pitch 
you and everyone in this coffee shop
my buddy’s movie.  Then I’m gonna 
pass the hat for investors.  Then 
I’m gonna leave, but ONLY BECAUSE
my buddy’s got a movie to make-

    JOE
Where’s your buddy?  
Why isn’t he here?  What about you?
What do you want?

    JERKFACE
This guy with the jokes. Once upon a
time!-

FROM THE BACK Jerkface approaches the center of the shop.

    JERKFACE
Happy Four Twenty Everybody!-

    JEANIE
Couple days late and ten 
bucks short.

    NOD
Yep.

    JERKFACE
Shut the fuck up and listen.

Prohibition is over. What was once 
taboo, has become another 
billion dollar luxury
for winners, wealthy, & elite.

Life goes on in the valley. 
Family, Friends,and Enemies 
rise and fall. Bills are paid
with busy days. One can not 
go it alone for long.  

In this chaotic world, 
TWO friends from back in the day 
who took different paths, reunite 
each night in the city of angels 
to get high and remember where 
they came from-

Fish spits his coffee!

    FISH
That’s your movie?-

    JERKFACE
One buddy’s got a good life: family,
talented, professional, funny,  
good acting career, nice tesla, 
and was always the loyal friend.
The other guy made some money, lost it
all, now lives in the good      
guy’s garage.  

    CAL
He parks his Tesla on the street?

    JERKFACE
Then one day the nice guy’s wife 
has had enough!

    JEANIE
Drama.

    JERKFACE
She loves her husband, but his 
buddy in the garage has got to go! 
So she packs up the car and takes 
the kids to Hawaii for the 
week.  He’s got 7 days to 
kick his old friend out. 

    CAL
She take that Tesla to Hawaii?

    JERKFACE
So Here’s the Opening Shot!

    JEANIE
Wait, how am I supposed to know 
all that other stuff?

    JERKFACE
Flashbacks of course.

    JEANIE
Of course, so this is the opening now?

    JERKFACE
Yes and Lights up Wehrenberg Theaters!

Ba ba-ba-ba ba-baa ba-baa ba-ba-ba!

So there they are, standing on the roof
of the Garage, looking out over
Los Angeles.  The evening traffic
twinkling under the purple haze of 
the horizon. They’re standing there,
passing a blunt under puffy clouds.
The one guy doesn’t know what’s 
coming, and the other guy has a 
tough call to make. 

So they’re standing
there and you know what he says to his 
buddy? The guy with the house? He turns 
to this guy he’s known since he was a 
kid, and they’re looking out at 
Big Bear in the distance, and 
he turns to this guy he’s gotta 
kick out of his garage and says-

    JOE
“You wanna get high on that mountain?”

    JERKFACE
Yes! Yes! 

“You wanna get high on 
that mountain?”

Intro Montage plays “Medicine Jar”
by The Wings.  The two 
guys go on a 21st Century

    JOE
Stoner Buddy Road Trip.

    JERKFACE
Yes! Yes! and guess what the 
name of the movie is?

    JOE
High on a Mountain.

    JERKFACE
High on a Mountain.  

Jerkface tries to catch his breath as he looks at them with his wild dog tooth grin and bloody eyes. Cal’s a nice fella...

    CAL
Well shucks sounds nifty kid. 
Sounds like something my 
brother might watch on Netflix.
“High on a Mountain”... Hey Joe,
how’d you know that that fella
was gonna say?

    JOE
Cause he said the same thing 
last week about the same thing.
Well it was nice meeting you-

    CAL
Cal. 

    JOE
Cal, nice meeting you.  I should 
probably get going

    JERKFACE
Here I’ll give you my buddy’s info
in case-

    JOE
No thank you thank you.
Sounds like your buddy’s gonna
be fine.

    JERKFACE
But-

    JOE
Regular Mice & Men you got there Lenny.
Buh bye.

Joe leaves out the front with his belongings in his arms.

    CAL
Well he seemed like a nice guy.

    FISH
That guy?  That guy’s homeless.

    CAL
That guy?
    
    JEANIE
Sleeps on the rocks outside
my house by the canal.

    NOD
Yep.

    CAL
He said-

    NOD
Nope.

    CAL
Really. That's funny.

JERKFACE
What?

CAL
Same thing happened to me in Venice Venice.

BLACKOUT

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HIGH ON A MOUNTAIN . Concept & Story by Chicago & LA’s Aaron Caponigro.

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