The Weather Report - w.e. 22.09.2017

Winter is coming to Baghdad. you can tell because ISIS has swapped over to their black winter fatigues (as opposed to their black summer kit which looks totally different). for the first time in many, many, months the temperature is below 40 celsius, and while 40 degrees might not seem terribly cool to the rest of us, in Iraq it is practically jumper weather. there will be strong winds of up to 17mph, ensuring the heating remains on and the air remains sandy. Iraq is so lucky!

meanwhile...

NORTH AMERICA: USA - people take a temporary break from “because hurricanes” reverting to the favoured “because black guy” in attempts to relieve the relentless tedium of storm damage - and opting instead for several days of “because RIOT!!!” as former police officer Jason Stockley was found not guilty of the 2011 murder of Anthony Lamar Smith. Smith was shot FIVE TIMES at point blank range as he sat in his stationary vehicle following a car chase. typically, the defence claimed there was a gun and the prosecution claimed the gun was planted. there was no gun, but the officer was caught on dash cam audio saying: “i’m going to kill this motherfucker, don’t you know it!”. 60 seconds later he executed Anthony Lamar Smith. Stockley claimed he wasn't referring to the man he subsequently shot dead when he said “i’m going to kill this motherfucker, don’t you know it!” but rather was referring to killing another motherfucker, somewhere else, of which he claims there are “many”. the obvious pacifist and all round good egg, Stockley, left the force in 2013 following suspension for an unrelated case - he was carrying an AK-47 on duty. despite American law enforcement’s increasingly horrendous record, the Donald preferred to tweet about loser terrorists and North Korea.

ASIA: North Korea - everyone says “WE NEED MORE SANCTIONS!” and put more pointless sanctions in place whilst promising childish repercussions. China told the US to “do no more than enforce UN sanctions” by which they mean “do no less than enforce UN sanctions”. in response to such a unilateral global threat to disarm, Kim & co have promised to launch a hydrogen tipped ICBM, as soon as physically possible, in the most interesting game of Dare since ever. next week further sanctions will be put in place, so expect a neutron bomb. this is going to be the shortest war, ever.

SOUTH AMERICA: Brazil - just weeks after lawmakers voted against putting President Michel Temer on trial to face corruption charges (in keeping with brazilian presidential protocol), and with a second criminal charge expected any time in the next 2-10 days, police raided the flat believed to (read:does) belong to former top congressional liaison Geddel Vieira Lima as part of ongoing “Operation: Lost Treasure”. in the raid, police found $16.4 MILLION in mixed Brazilian and US notes. it looked like this (well, assuming, for some reason, the super-corrupt Brazilian police didn’t remove a couple of suitcases before taking the picture. they totally did):

not to be outdone, previous and currently impeached presidents Luis Inacio Lula da Silva and Dilma Rousseff have been charged with committing “a series of crimes” concerning the state owned Petrobras oil company and forming a criminal organization. along with 6 other members of, ironically, the Workers Party, they are charged with crimes including cartel formation, corruption and money laundering. despite facing four other corruption trials - and following his appealing of a current corruption conviction (all for “Operation: Car Wash”) barring him from running for president in 2018 - Lula, is still Brazil's most popular politician. in typically Brazilian style, whether Lula bought the popular vote or not is still genuinely unclear.

MIDDLE EAST: Israel - 100% all-round saints - Benjamin Netanyahu and his wonderful, third wife, Sara - are in trouble. again. but not for physical assault this time, which is nice. Our Sara, it is alleged, may have maybe, possibly, slightly, exaggerated professional hosting funds. whoops. taking a break from whipping the help, and indulging, allegedly, instead by: using public funds for the PM’s official residence on furniture and improvements for their private home; paying for her elderly father’s care; inflating dinner party numbers to justify more staff, including private chefs; receiving 23,000 Shekels (£4.8k/€5k/$6.6k) in recycling funds; hiring (indirectly) Likud (of which Bibi is head boy), former central committee member Avi Fahima (not for the first time) as an electrician (as you do), including at greatly inflated prices on several Sabbath days and Yom Kippur (kind of a big deal to Jews). all of which seems: “very unlike him” according to a neighbour, as Mr. Fahima is somewhat religious: “[so]…it’s illogical that he'd work in the PM’s house on Shabbat”. don’t tell God.

EUROPE: UK - Uber new license request rejected by TfL. in a serious upset, the illegal “it does seem a marvellous business model if you can get away with it” outfit have been operating on principles no-one else is allowed to, with some having opined it may be to do with large sacks of cash. it looked like Uber would get the license - they certainly bribed all the right people for the license. the shock move comes after TfL said it had nothing to do with money and to prove it, should Uber be approved to trade (now or at a later date) their bill would be rising from £3.5k to £3 MILLION. why bother raising a figure like 3 million in the first place? co-incidentally, Britain woke up to news of a £20-40 BILLION (£20billion/year) brexit bill to leave Europe. where they will get the money from is unclear, but Uber have 21 days to appeal.

have a sunny weekend,

HA