Dealing With the Aftermath of Homelessness: PTSD
If you have followed me for the past 6-7 months, you already know our story. If you have not, I will give a simple break down.
We (the kids and I) hated the cities and wanted to come back home to #LadySuperior, but could not afford to buy a place of our own. I hatched a plan to save up and buy an R.V. and we would live out of that while I worked and saved and the kids would go to school.
Someone called CPS on me. For living in our R.V.
CPS made threats. Claiming that in "their opinion" I would not be able to keep the camper warm enough in winter months. And because of their opinion and not any actual law they instructed me to find housing immediately or they would take my children away.
Children who were thriving in their environment, BTW. They were clean, fed warm, dry, doing their homework, bed at a decent time, all that normal stuff.
This forced us into a homeless shelter. All security and safety and SANITATION lost. There was blood on the walls literally above my head.
It was 7 months of hell trying to keep my family, and our pets together and safe, surrounded by drugs and violence and filth. All at the hands of the souless person who called CPS.
CPS dropped the case without ever checking in on us, BTW.
We have been in our home since the end of February. Six months.
Still at this point every little thing terrifies me about potentially losing our home. For one thing, I cannot subject my children to the absolute HELL of that "shelter" again. For another, what if CPS finds out and comes slithering back?
I cannot drive anymore. While we were homeless I accidentally allowed my license to expire. And when a light went out on my camper I was pulled over. License revoked. Yay being too poor to pay to get it back! No license means I cannot renew the registration on the camper. The camper is gone. Nothing to fall back on. No going south to warmer climes where people mind their own damned business.
Twice in the last 6 months, I have paid rent late. Of course, there's that $30 late fee that just chafes at your soul.
But the real problem was the gut wrenching, all encompasing fear. Fear of calling the land lady to tell her I will be late. Fear of any harsh words she might utter. Fear of being evicted.
And when I say fear I don't mean like, "Oh that was scary! Time to move on!"
I mean like, hyperventilating, full on panic attack with extremely painful muscular contraction from over-ocidixation. I mean like, not sleeping for days at a time to avoid the nightmares. I mean constantly checking to see if the land lady's son is around so I can avoid talking with him type fear.
She mistakenly text me once. Accusing me of not cleaning the dog mess in the yard. I assured her the yard was 100% clear of debri and waited. Hands shaking in anxiety for her response. 17 minutes of agony.
She apologized, told me I am "A good tenant" and said she text the wrong person.
I have been agonizing over August. I have put in hours of overtime at work for August. School supplies for three children. New clothes for school for three children. Ella had blood in her stool. Vet visit costs. I had to buy a new phone.
So many expenses for August. But, I have just barely managed to make sure I have enough to pay September's rent on time. I have $6.34 for the next 2 weeks. But rent is taken care of.
My trio will have to wait a bit longer for the gym shoes the school wants each of them to have. But it's going to be okay. I made it through and August can kindly fuck off, thank you very much.
And now, today, this.
It took him 26 minutes to reply. In that 26 minutes I paced, shook, cried, and panicked.
Logically, I know that we are safe for the next 6 months as we have a 1-year-lease. Even if they do sell the house, we have that 6 months.
Logically I know that they may not even sell it. My thinking parts know these things.
PTSD doesn't give a fuck what I know. PTSD is already evicted. PTSD is already watching my babies be torn away. PTSD has us back at the shelter. PTSD is making contingency and escape plans. PTSD says RUN!!!!
PTSD has me alone, and afraid and bawling my eyes out in the bathtoom while the people around me, who have never dealt with the trauma of homelessness can't even begin to fathom why I am so afraid.
It's been 6 months. When does it stop? When the hell does it go away?
Ugh, seriously, hex that asshole who called CPS on happy kids. CPS should only get involved in like, those cases like that one in the news about the kids who were literally being tortured - and yet they never seem to catch THOSE people, only harass parents who give a shit about their kids but aren't privileged enough. GRR.
I'm sorry about all the stress. My PTSD is for an entirely different reason, but yeah, I wish it would bugger off. I'm with you on the no money, no license too: on my 21st birthday, I had never parallel parked before. Backed into someone. Did NO damage to their car, but they called the police. The police said, well, I wouldn't report it, because you did no damage, but your friend (whose car I was driving) has no insurance.
The friend didn't even know her insurance had lapsed, because while we were in college, her parents had agreed to pay that bill for her. Her FATHER had let it lapse.
So I got cited for no insurance on a car I didn't own whose owner didn't know it had no insurance.
At age 21, that would have meant in order to get a license, I would need high risk insurance attached to non owner insurance, at an absurd cost per month I couldn't afford, to maybe borrow a car every now and then.
When it had been seven years and I thought it had fallen off my record, I went to the DMV to get a license. They said, oh no, no insurance NEVER falls off your record.
For a car I didn't own.
Now, at age 40, in order to get a license, I would need to buy six months of non owner insurance with high risk insurance attached to it in one lump (and only one carrier offers that), plus pay $100 reinstatement fee, plus all the usual permit and license costs, meaning that I need $500.
To get a license, when I've never owned a car, and the worst thing I ever did caused no damage but I didn't interrogate my friend who WOULD HAVE SHOWN ME HER CURRENT INSURANCE INFO IF I HAD ASKED, ANYWAY.
And that is why I have never had a license in my life (I had a permit at the time I backed into that person).
Amazing how poverty snowballs a minor nothing into a life-changing event.
Duuuuuuude, that is so lame! And that's exactly how it is, too! Everything is systematically set up to make life damned near impossible for the poor it makes me so damned angry.
Me, too! And apologies, I didn't mean to hijack your thread with many Epic Tale, but really, poverty makes something that would be a blip if you had money into this epic snowball. Someone said something like, fines don't make actions illegal, they make them legal for rich people only. It's so true!!
Ugh, I read a thread very simular. Talking about certain rich people seeing fines as "the cost of doing the thing".
Right? If you're rich enough, you wouldn't care about a fine.
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Homelessness is a terrible thing to go through as a mother, I have seen one of my good friends struggle with a similar situation. Never forget the blessings though, and the fog will clear. I do hope things work out for you! And if you like herbal tea I can recommend lemon balm or Mellissa officinalis as a great herb (easy to grow too, super, and 1 plant will cost you 3 dollars and last you many years) that REALLY helps with just being calm through anxiety and stress and stuff.
I do enjoy tea, thank you for the suggestion. I've not heard of Mellissa Officinalis before so I'll look into it. Thank you again. 💙
@hickorymack: thank you so much for sharing this. It's horrible to hear about the terror a rogue call to CPS can cause.
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