"FAMILY NOT ISSUED"

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This is my Introduction chapter of the book I am writing. I am nervous and excited to put this out there for everyone on this platform to read and see. My heart is fully out with this book and am so anxious to get going on finishing. My goal is at least one chapter a month, so I can complete something I have had on my mind for a very long time!!

My ultimate goal for this, is to give a tool to those going through similar situations, and to be a support to others. I appreciate @derangedvisions support and encouragement to get this out there and ready for publishing at some point.

Thank you all for reading and support! I will be posting each chapter as I finish them and am looking forward to sharing our experience and knowledge from being a part of the Military family.

Enjoy

Arms stretched out long, rigidly dangling over my right shoulder screaming with tears streaming down his round rosy cheeks “daddy, don’t go!” This was the moment I realized our story book life had come to a complete end.

Our story began February 2001, we were young and so utterly in love. We dated for a few months and decided that we wanted and were ready for marriage. We quickly announced our plans and started preparing for the great event! We eagerly made our invitations and our favors. As the month passed by, we were trying to decide what the best option was for the future that we could dream up. We found out we were expecting our son, so we decided that going Active Duty Army would be the greatest start to our new life together. We soon were married July 2001, ready to embark on our new journey together. We were making plans on my visit with him throughout his training in Newport News Virginia, and scheduling out what we thought would be the timeline. Little did we know that making plans in the Military was like washing chocolate sauce from a white shirt. It just doesn’t work.

We went on a quick Honeymoon to Disneyland and had the BEST time of our lives! The time came that we had to say our first “goodbye”, not knowing when our next “Hello” would be. I quietly sat next to him, while his dad drove us to the airport. And off he went, luggage in tow and dreams of creating the best possible life for his new family had begun.

September 11th 2001, I was sitting enjoying my first bowl of cereal in months, freshly sliced peaches right off the tree floating in my bowl. The phone rang, I jumped up and ran to answer it in hopes it was my love calling to say hello. My heart sank, it was my mom frantically trying to get out the words “our country is under attack”. I didn’t know what to do, I ran downstairs and turned the T.V on just in time to watch the second plane hit the towers. My body collapsed to the floor, and I began to sob. I gathered myself enough to run upstairs to my sister in law (who’d been sleeping away her school day) slammed open her door, holding my belly and trying to relay what I had just witnessed. She jumped out of bed, not knowing what I had said. She thought I had lost our baby. I finally was able to get the words out, “we are under attack.” Both of my In-Laws worked at a near by Air Force base, all we knew was that they were under lock down and were ok. I had no communication with my husband until he was done with his training for the day.

September 15th, on one of the first flights out of the Salt Lake International Airport I headed off to Newport News, Virginia to reunite with my husband, I was terrified. I landed safely in Virginia, just outside of Newport News. My husband was excitedly waiting for me near the luggage pickup carousel, I ran to him the moment I saw his handsome face. He quickly leaned over and kissed my belly, I had grown a bit since he had last seen me.

We had our beautiful son in February of 2002 and headed off to my husband’s first duty station, Ft Hood, Texas. My husband had trained to be an apache helicopter technician, and was ready to use his skills. We had prepared ourselves for the possibility of deployments and an impending war as best we could. All of 2002 was spent training and gearing up for the announced deployment in 2003. This is where our many lessons of life began.

The Iraq war began March 2003, my husband was trained, geared up and ready to fight for our freedom. We said our second “goodbye”, this time with babe in arms and another baby on the way. We got to see our newest baby growing perfectly just a few weeks before he left. I was so excited and scared knowing I would be raising our son, and growing a baby while I worried for my husband. Our son was a year old, sweetly kissing his daddy with no understanding of the time he was going to be away. At 14 1/2 weeks pregnant I lost our baby, because the war had just begun there was no lines of communication set up. I had contacted my FRG (family readiness group) to send out a red cross message to my husband, so he would know what had happened. Over the next few months, I hardly allowed for people to reach out, I was broken. Trying to raise our son and support my husband was difficult to say the least. My husband made it home safely March 2004, that summer was filled with cruel jokes ranging from our home being hit by a car, to jet ski accidents. To top off the summer, we received the news of a new duty station assignment…South Korea. We had 2 months to prepare for another year long separation, he was stationed near the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) which is the boarder between North Korea and South Korea. 4 Months quickly soared by, we sat in a local airport August of 2004 waiting to say another long goodbye. Our son was now 2 1/2 and REALLY didn’t understand why his daddy was leaving again. 2 weeks later , we found out I was expecting our 3rd little love. My husband spent the whole 9 months of my pregnancy in Korea, making it home on his R & R (rest & relaxation) 3 days before having our sweet daughter. He finished up his assignment in Korea in August of 2005 and we made our way back to Ft Hood, Texas. Just in time to be allotted to leave for a long deployment to Iraq. He re-enlisted (added more time to his contract) for 2 additional years, knowing he had at least that much time through the stop loss (pause on any military separations). June of 2007 we prepared for another long goodbye, this one being the longest we had ever faced. 22 months of total time, we had to choke down. January 2009 came slower than a turtle trudging through mud in a rain forest.

He was HOME! Finally, we could be a whole family, the relief we felt was indescribable. Little did we know the next few years were to be the most challenging yet.

We had been married for 8 years by the time he had made it home from his last deployment. 6 years of the 8 we were separated due to deployments or training leading up to deployments. When he got home, I had raised our two babies to young children, had a job, and had a routine we had established while he was gone. This in itself posed it's own complications, but add PTSD, and the anxiety of getting out of the military and you have a difficult combination that COULD have resulted in the end of our marriage.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you are invisible to your spouse, especially after you'd been separated for 22 months. Trying to figure out where I stood, and where he stood was quite difficult. He was in the process of getting out of the military and was working towards becoming a Police Officer. Through this process he was very busy, and when he wasn't working on any of this he was pulling himself away from our family, unconsciously. He was so focused on his trials throughout his military career and the losses of friends during deployments, that we just slowly drifted apart. The arguments began and the frustration built up. I didn't know where I fit in his life anymore, other than raising our children. This truly was the hardest year of our marriage. Have you heard the line "the 1st year of marriage is the hardest"? This was our "1st year" only after 8 years of being married. We both realized we had 2 choices, we either buck up and make an effort to fix things together, or think of what our next chapters where without one another (truly this was an impossible thought..therefore fixing was our only option.). Not only was our marriage in a scary spot, but our son was struggling with the stress of the unknown of what was next to come. Our son boldly challenged my husband every chance he got, as he was the "man of the house" for his whole life basically..and now daddy was back, which caused a whole lot of tension for our 7 yr old little man.

Wes separated from the military May of 2009 and began his position as a Police Officer for the city of Temple, Texas. He was an incredible officer and was very respected in the city. Every night of duty, he witnessed the things of people's nightmares and would come home drained emotionally each and every day. He LOVED being an officer, but didn't realize the triggers he faced each night he was on duty. This caused a fall back to the seclusion and the unconscious wall began to build again. My Grandfather passed away in 2012, I flew to Utah from Texas for his funeral and made the decision we needed to move "home" to be closer to family. Which meant we both had to leave our established jobs, and start over again in a new area. Within 6 weeks, we were Utahns's.

Wes began the hiring process for the local prison, and was quickly hired on. I had searched for a job for months and months, with no view of a career opportunity for me any time soon. Depression filled the space, and another spiral began. Wes hated his job at the prison and I felt useless. I had no job, and we were running out of money quickly. I finally got a job as a 911 Dispatcher, which I was not made to do. I was with the company for 4 months and quickly found that, emotionally I was not able to handle the stress. This month we had lost our renters in our home in Texas, lost my job, and just purchased a new home in Utah. With no more money and absolutely no control of our situation, I was desperate for some relief. Gratefully, I was hired on at a bank near our home, and have been there ever since. It is a wonderful company and I have loved each year I have worked here. But, looking forward to the day I can travel with my love and help make the world a better place.

Wes decided to utilize his GI Bill (military covered schooling), and stopped working at the prison and started school. During this time he has been given the opportunity to find out where his true passion lies and what makes him feel the most whole and happy. He is now a photographer, and gets to document amazing things!! I am proud of him and the changes he has made, regardless of the daily challenges he faces. War takes a major toll on your mental health and the physical ailments from all the gear worn during war, ruck walks, pt, ect...it is important to support things that your Veteran loves to do to keep their minds in a healthy space.

Reading this Introduction, I hope you see where there were signs of PTSD seeping through, we just didn't know what we were dealing with. And didn't realize that PTSD doesn't only effect the Veteran, PTSD can slowly drift to family members and wreak havoc on each person closely involved with the Veteran. Our 7 year old son, our 4 year old daughter, and even myself had symptoms we didn't even know existed. From seclusion, to anger for no reason. We have all had our share of symptoms and still do 9 years later.
To bring this to a close, I hope you enjoy this book and I hope this helps you or your loved ones learn a few things to help cope with the challenges that are a natural part of the military life. I hope if you are struggling with similar issues, that this will aid in finding a source of relief, or at least find where to jump start your journey to a better life with your Veteran. It is possible and it is hard. My hope for you, dear reader, is that this will be a new beginning or a useful tool for your journey through military life. We aren't designed to go through life on our own without help. There is no shame in reaching out for a hand, when you are in a place where help is needed. Give yourself the benefit of learning from other people and allowing yourself enough humility to grow.